The last couple of weeks I've been frustrated with the creative writing. So much so that I've lost my equilibrium. If I'm not writing, I'm losing my mind. It's been hectic in the day job and my usual steady state has been topsy-turvy.
I had drinks with my very good friend CF on Friday night. She encouraged me to just give playwriting another try. As I was waiting for the train, a small idea took shape and I grabbed my journal and began to write. I had the beginning of something.
I spent the whole day on Sunday working on a 10-minute play. Good lord, it's been awhile since I've tried writing a scene. I feel rusty. The conflict is too easy...I need to raise the stakes. Make the conflict a bit more difficult on the characters. Make them work for what they want. It's the issue I am constantly struggling with on the page. After one day of writing, I am starting to feel like my old self. Strange how that happens. It's like all the chatter that happens in my head begins to die down.
All the contentious issues I'm dealing with in my personal life and my day job become not quite so big. The problems deflate a bit. And I'm able to stop reminiscing about lost love. Thank goodness.
As promised, I finished Clara Betta last night. Hoorah! Doing a little snoopy dance around my room. I have to give a big shout out to my very good friend Christine for all the wonderful feedback. Her words of encouragement and the fact that she read almost every single version of this story has been a huge help in this process!! Of course, big thank yous to all the other readers Tamara, Patrick and William. All the feedback helped me cross the finish line on this project fairly quickly. :-) Yep, that's a smiley face. I am sending it out this afternoon to a literary magazine I scoped out a couple of months ago. Hopefully, it's a good fit. We shall see. Wish me luck.
I also have a decent draft of the piece that I'll read on Wednesday. I'm all fluttery nerves about this one and I have to remember to breathe otherwise i'm going to rush through this piece like a bat out of hell. Hehehe. Seriously! I just have to get the accent down so that will be my homework for the next three nights. Teek Spanish Ax-cent. Eek!
It's amazing how quickly the days go by during the holiday season. We are almost at the end of November. Here are some tidbits on what's gone on + Upcoming Event at Nuyorican Poets Cafe:
Me and my mother cooked a feast for Thanksgiving. We roasted a turkey that was so tender that the meat slid off the bone. Hoorah! And to think most everyone who sat at the table swore up and down that they didn't like turkey...we made believers out of them. An 11.3 lb turkey was stripped down to bones in record time. hehehe. No leftovers from that bird. It was fun to watch. Lots of spirited talk and laughter. I'm usually such a grump during the holidays and this year I really enjoyed being around my family. Not being in pain really helped matters.
My 6 year old and 9 year old niece stayed the night and slept in my bed which meant I slept very little / not at all that night. At what point do two skinny minis turn into elbows / knees / kicking monsters. Anyway, I spent most of Friday in a bit of a zombie state from lack of sleep.
Once they left I curled up into a ball on my bed and watched a long French film called Violette. A film about the writer Violette LeDuc who Simone de Beauvoir took under her wing and encouraged to write. What an amazing film. I love films that depict writers. And of course this woman LeDuc raged and howled at the difficulties in her life but she continued to write.
After watching this film, I woke up, ran some much needed errands, came back home, procrastinated a bit and then went to work on the writing. Spent some time writing up the monologue that I'm presenting at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe this coming Wednesday, Dec 3rd. It's in conjunction with the book launch by Applause books. I have a rough, first draft-two pages. It's resting now. I have to practice the thick Spanish accent and I have to write the intro to put the piece in context. Okay, I know I've been crap about promoting upcoming events in a timely manner. For some reason I was having an especially hard time making up my mind about showing up to this event...one night last week being unable to sleep, I finally made up my mind to just do it. I don't know what the hemming and hawing was all about but I'll be there with bells on.
Next I have to finish up Clara Betta. Just took a dinner break and decided to write this much needed blog entry before I go back to Clara.
Tomorrow I will give the monologue a once over--make edits/changes/deletions as necessary then ...practice, practice, practice the dialect until I have it down. Make changes as they come to me. That's the plan and I'm sticking to it.
Who wants a drink?! I do, I do. That'll have to wait 'til the work is done. * sigh *
I spent yesterday and today revising my short story, Clara Betta. I've sent it to a couple of trusted readers but I'm ready to send it out to a literary magazine very soon. It feels good.
Now it's time to go face my novel again. I almost restarted revising today but I lost my nerve.
Instead, I faced a box of soaked files. A couple of weeks ago my basement flooded. I was able to shred five years worth of paperwork. It made me aware that I could get rid of more stuff. I have that bug again as I was going thru it all.
I found pages of my time as a sales rep and all the background with my transfer. I didn't realized I've been carrying that around for so long. As I was reading through the material all of the old anger came back up for me. It's amazing that I've never really let that go. Good Lord!! After I ripped the pages up I promised myself that I was letting it all go.
I also finished Sarah Waters, The Paying Guests. I really enjoy her writing. I shlepped that 500+ page hardcover back and forth for weeks. It's interesting that since I know her writing, I was anticipating a twist in her story. And when the obvious twist didn't happen, it was a surprise. The ending was bittersweet.
On Friday, I read at an open mic at Le Poisson Rouge on Bleeker Street. Usually I announce beforehand so I can get folks to come support but I wasn’t sure if I was going to get on the roster that night. I went up first which was a good thing. We were in the gallery space beneath the music venue so while I was up it was nice and quiet. There is something so amazing that happens when I am up there in front of a new audience and the room turns perfectly still. I feel myself expand and reading from my work allows my wings to stretch out a bit. Usually, I am trying hard to tamp myself and my personality down because it doesn’t fit into the culture of my day job. So I contract in order to be able to just get the work done. But when I’m doing my work, my writing, reading from my book of poems, I feel the power of that moment. It radiates up through my feet, makes my legs tremble, moves up to my belly where the butterflies are aflutter, through my lungs where breath and voice connect and out comes the words in these flowing waves and I more present then at any other moment in my life. * happy sigh * I managed to sell a book which is always a pleasure. It was a great night of eclectic writers. There was one cat called D-Bird that cracked me up with his poetry. Funny and so well-worth the price of admission.
Then I went to see Disgraced on Saturday night. I’ve written up a separate entry on that experience.
Then on Sunday afternoon it was Writing Group time. My short story Clara Betta went over really well. I was honestly surprised at how well it was received…it made me blush. So now it’s time to make some final revisions, one more look see with WG and then send it out to see if some magazine will publish it. Hmm. So much to consider. Where to send it? First I’ll make the final tweaks and then see what might be a few possibilities.
I watched Kill Your Darling the other night and man was it an awful film. This is one of those moments when I wish they had done more with the actual writings of Burroughs, Kerouac, Ginsberg. Someone should have killed this movie. What crap!
I did spend tonight working through some new poems for the reading next week, so that's something.
After trying to make the last scene work in Clara Betta, I decided to cut it out altogether. Another 6 pages cut. I hope it works. Anyway, I'm done with it for now and I've sent it out to the writing group.
I'll find out soon enough if it's working or not. Eek!
What's next? There are a couple of poetry readings I'd like to do in the next couple of weeks so I'll be writing up some new material for those events. I'll post info when I know better.
I've spent the past five hours working on the short story Clara Betta today. Last night, I put in a couple of hours worth. It still needs more work tho'. So I probably won't send it to the group until tomorrow. Call me cautious but I'd rather send them something as close to a finished state as possible. Eek!! Nervous butterflies in my belly.
I love this quiet writing time. I used to write while listening to music but I've noticed that I need the quiet space to hear the voices trying to come through to tell their story. It helps the process and there is less resistance when there's quiet to feel my way through the story arc. I saw this great mug online the other day. It read, "Writer's Block: When the voices inside your head stop talking to you." It made me laugh out loud...'cause it's true.
Tonight I am going to a play reading. I think it's going to be several people presenting work so I'm excited at the prospect of seeing works-in-progress. I have ideas swirling around my head and I have to keep reminding myself to just jot things down. I never know what will be used or what the next project may need to give it a fresh perspective and those mini-ideas come in handy.
I read an article by Quiara Alegria Hudes in this month's The Dramatist magazine on Subject Matter and it was a great reminder about love for the writing craft. Pen to paper is the only way to build that writing muscle.
I hope this entry makes sense because I'm now on my way out the door.
Well folks it’s been awhile. I’ve been acclimating to my new schedule, 6 months into my new day job, and finding time at lunch or after work to spend time on the creative writing. I’m currently working through a short story right now (not science fiction). The ending is bugging me. I keep re-writing it but blah, it’s just not coming out quite right.
Let’s see, I’ve joined a new writing group since my old writing group has split off. I present this month so I need to keep working through the problems of this short story before I send it out to the group on Saturday night. That’s my internal deadline otherwise I’m going to be putzing with it until it’s a tortured mess of a story. We want to avoid that result.
Movies-Must make mention that my crush on actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt continues. I recently saw a few of his movies back-to-back. An earlier movie called Mysterious Skin (2004) where he plays a young gay hustler and the key moments when the character is the most vulnerable are heartbreaking. I also watched Premium Rush, ‘cause who doesn’t love a good chase movie but really it was candy (no nutritional value). Then I watched Don Jon, this movie surprised me. He wrote and directed this film which made it better for me. His character Jon is a player who sleeps with anyone he can get his hands on. He meets “the one” in Barbara played by Scarlett Johansson, who plays a Jersey girl so well she scared me a little. Haha. But when Jon doesn’t get his happily ever after, he meets Esther, played by the the wonderful Julianne Moore. The movie was a lot better than I anticipated. Sweet, sweet, sweet. Don't you love it when a movie makes you smile from all the way inside?
Health, I have my good days and I have my challenging days. All the doctor visits haven't helped pin-point the underlying problem but I've managed to strike off a few illnesses off the list. I guess that's the silver lining. Then I came down with a rebounding migraine that left me feeling a bit hollowed out. The food restrictions had washed down the headaches to once or twice a month. So to have this last one come on so strong and for so many days was a surprise This week, I've slacked off on the food restriction list, it's amazing how quickly the weight starts to creep up. I just have a soft spot for baked mac & cheese. I have to get back on my strict guidelines again. The one thing that I have been struggling with is going to yoga classes on a more consistent basis. Being healthy is hard work sometimes. I know i feel good after a class, just have to show up for them.
I haven't written in awhile. For the most part, I've been busy with summer activities.
Still dealing with some health issues. Altho things are on the upswing. Yay! Not feeling quite so terrible.
I'm learning to spend time relaxing which is hard work for someone who is used to constantly working. I was thinking about what my life was like several years ago: I was working several jobs to make ends meet, taking grad classes and making a go of my creative writing. It's been quite the adjustment.
Last weekend, I even spent some time sunbathing in my backyard. The day was warm with a rich breeze and I was so caught up in the book that I was reading that I burned. Lots of Aloe Vera slathered on for several days after that.
June 24th, I went to see Tegan and Sara live in concert. They were fantastic and I always enjoy their live performances.
June 27th, I went to see Neil Gaiman at Carnegie Hall. He read from a couple of stories while a string quartet played along as they projected graphic images. Loved it! So much fun and a much appreciated birthday gift from a good friend.
I have also been suffering from a bad case of World Cup fever. Sunday afternoon is a big game between Mexico and Netherlands. Eek. Can't wait!
I've been reading lots of fiction. Currently reading Hate List by Jennifer Brown. The writing is okay but it has some really decent emotional moments.
I've been pulling books from my overflowing bookshelves and setting them out for neighbors to scavenge. I've managed to fill and give away two boxes of books.
What else?
My writing has stalled. I've been writing on scrap paper again. Can't quite get enough momentum on either of the pieces I've been working on. So I keep writing bits and pieces.
I'm on my first week of giving up sugar. For the next six weeks, no fruit, no fruit juices, no sugar, no honey, no starchy veggies, no rice and no soda. I'm just adding to my very long list of food restrictions. This getting healthy is hard work.
I have to add aerobics to my exercise routine. hmmm. Again getting healthy is hard work.
Also, I am hooked on the Canadian sci-fi show Continuum. I caught the first season on Netflix and now I'm moving through season 2.
Last but not least, I'm working on a new set of goals. It's mid-year and I'm reassessing what I've accomplished so far. Time for a new set for the second half of the year. I can't believe we are almost done with July...good lord, time seems to pick up speed as we get older. Yikes!
Today I spent the day writing. I'm experimenting with narrative poetry and I'm not sure how it's working yet. I am thinking of Kristin Prevallet's essays in I, AfterLife or Dennison Smith's novel Scavenger. Neither example actually fit the term narrative poetry but it's definitely a specific kind of storytelling that I'm trying. I'd mention Walcott's Omeros or Ondaatje's The English Patient but that kind of storytelling is a league all their own.
I am just letting the words come out first. No holds bar. It's partly autobiographical and at time I can feel my censor sitting on my shoulder whispering..."you can't write that, then everyone will know." And I write the words anyway. It's terribly graphic and I have a tendency to want to fix the language from it's raw state but I stop myself and tell myself to keep going. I wrote over 2,600 words with my starting point being a 300-word working poem called Sour Kiss.
I turned down an invitation to go out because I have been promising myself some quiet time to write. I wanted to get beyond journal entries and note scraps. I wanted to get beyond the recycled bullshit that is constantly churning in the grey matter. I'm writing about being with the Cuban...a pivotal relationship that I had back in the late 90's. It's taken me a long time to be able to write from an honest place about that chapter in my life but I finally feel ready to tackle it. It's not an easy process but the mix of creative narrative with memory helps with the transitions.
It's strange to listen so closely to the echoes of my past. I'm trying to capture moments and feelings but it still feels like I'm on the outskirts of the story. Tomorrow I will work some more and see how far I get. My goal is to get the words down...no revising for now. But I've worked long enough and I need a dinner break now. I think it's time to go get some sushi or at the very least order in. Hmmm decisions, decisions. A good walk in the afternoon rain sounds about right.
For the record, I know I have been M.I.A. for quite some time. I did not fall off the face of the earth although at times it kind of felt that way. My life has been in serious need of some adjustments.
Although, I wanted to start my own editing business...things have detoured a bit from that plan. Instead I landed a full-time permanent gig working as an executive assistant. God! to have decent medical coverage again makes this such a huge relief. The people I work with are genuinely decent and respectful folks and I'm really grateful for the work and the steady paycheck. It also gives me breathing room to deal with some ongoing health issues as well as time for my creative writing.
I wish I could say that these past few months I have been writing up a storm but alas, I spent a lot of time curled up in the fetal position unable to face making decisions on my novel, on what my next move would be, on what I wanted for myself...you get the picture. I spent time tutoring (homework duty) with my young nieces (6 year old and 8 year old), binging on two seasons of House of Cards, catching up with my reading, taking care of an ailing body. Basically, trying to sort myself out. Hibernating inside my crabby shell.
March 3rd I started my new job and my day-to-day changed drastically. I am learning the way this office works, learning new systems, trying to gain adequate access to half a dozen different applications. The stress level is low which is really good. My days are full and by the time I make it home, I've been crashing. It's been an adjustment but I'm hanging in there. Yay!
Let's see, so much to catch up on but I'm going to pace myself today.
I'm currently reading an anthology of short sci-fi stories. It's okay...nothing has excited me quite yet.
The last movie that I saw and that I thoroughly enjoyed was Spike Jonze's HER. Loved it!!
Just saw the finale to the sc-fi show Helix. Lots of interesting questions are coming up and I look forward to another season in 2015.
And last week's episode of the Good Wife and Being Human (US ver) left me in a state of shock. Yes, I am completely hooked.
The three songs that I have on heavy rotation are Pharrell's Happy, Hall & Oates' ManEater, Dawn & Hawkes' cover of I've Just Seen A Face (I've attached the song below in case you wanna listen).
The last play that I went to see was The Architecture of Becoming...it was a collaboratively written piece (never a good idea) Altho' it had some decent moments, what connected the stories was flimsy at best. I wanted more of the surreal elements they promised at the beginning of the play to play out in a grander way but by the end is was all a big let down.
I know I'm late to the party on this one but I just started watching Game of Thrones, Season 1. Really enjoying the twists and turns...I know there is more to come but I am taking my sweet time with this one.
I've also started writing up a sketch of a monologue. A tiny ember of an idea is surfacing and I wrote what I could of it earlier today. More to come.
I've also had some groovy dinners with friends: Katt, Yoav, Christine, William, Brenda and skype visits withTony...so glad they are in my life. :-)
Gosh, so that does it for me. I am going to try to get back on a weekly schedule with these blog entries again but no big promises. In the meantime, I am getting back to work on my writing schedule as well as trying to figure out a decent exercise schedule. All for now.
I am starting my own business.There is much to do but I am working up a
business plan and some real workable and substantial goals to make it
happen.By next spring, I am going to
open up my very own Editorial Service for Creative Writers.I have both the education and the work
experience in publishing to copyedit, proofread and give creative writers
feedback. [The only genre I won’t be
able to work in is science-fiction.Unfortunately, it’s too close to the genre that I currently write in.]I am
still in the early stages of working up a plan but I wanted to get the ball
rolling and let folks know what’s coming down the pipeline.
The next five months will be about writing up my business
plan, setting up the website, setting down some standard rates, getting the
word out, and test piloting the plan. I’ve been doing research on my down time
and making lots of notes for myself.I
am also using a couple of resources to help me plan things out. [I love this
part.] I’m sure I’ll also send some
updates via my blog and social media to keep everyone up-to-date on how things
are moving along. I am very excited about this new endeavor.
*****
In the meantime, I am also still writing.I spent Veteran’s Day working on my novel for
about five hours. I enjoyed it and felt some satisfaction on the changes that I
have made with this revision. It’s an excruciatingly slow process when in the
midst of creating while revising but can't seem to do it any other way. Mostly, I just want
to make sure that the intention of the sentence is in line with the intention
of the characters, without trying to be too precious with the language.
I wanted to mention this odd thing that inspired me
recently.Edward Burns has a commercial
where he talks about his first movie and how he had a stack of rejections from Hollywood.He talked to his dad because he was bummed
out over the many rejections and his dad reminded Burns that he made the movie because
he enjoyed the process.
For whatever reason, that story gently reminded me that
despite all my complaints and whinging in the past that I really do love to write. I write
all the time.In my journal, on my blog, I write to my
friends long meandering emails about what’s going on with me and then I write
notes to myself reminding me about something that happened in the past, something
that bubbles up from the depths of my psyche.I enjoy the feel of language beneath my pen and under my key strokes, on
the page and in my head, always in the midst of trying to transmit and
articulate.I feel incredibly blessed
that I have the freedom to do so in this time.I am loving life on this cold November day.
Hmmm, I had a pretty decent writing jag today. I wrote the backstory for one of my characters to get a better sense of who she is and what motivates her. I had started on this some weeks ago but I stopped once I became sick. I picked up where I left off and I was able to keep the story going until she meets the main character in the novel and then I took a break. Five and a half, single-spaced pages. Sweet! I'm not sure if I'll use any of these pages in the final novel but I definitely got to know her much better.
When I got back from my break, I took a look at some of the most recent pages I had worked on and started going over it with a fine tooth comb in order to fix typos, misspelled words, grammar, etc. It's the nit-picky work that I've been letting slide little-by-little every time I broached the page. I've been so intent on figuring out the story that this is the first chance that I've had to cross out lines that don't work and fix the language. It felt grounding to get back to my work. It's been awhile and it feels amazing.
The weekend went by too quickly. Partly due to a writing group session and a small wine party afterwards. Partly due to coming down with yet another cold and a migraine.
The good part of the weekend involved a writing group session, meeting up with fellow writers and going over new material. Then a get-together with some folks from grad school. It was an evening of catching up, talking about the craft of writing and more than a few laughs. It was exactly what we all needed. It made me very aware of that part of me that I've been neglecting lately. My day job has been taking up too much head space leaving me pretty blank by day's end. I've neglected journalling, writing blogs, and the novel. No wonder I'm feeling so stressed and out-of-sorts. The plan is to get back on track. More writing every day. Did some writing today and I've started to feel sane, I think. Can't really remember what sane feels like so I'll pretend that I do until it's true. :-)
Still sick though. I've been fighting the same cold for the past three weeks. It seems to be getting the best of me unfortunately. Add another layer with a splitting migraine and I was not a happy camper. I didn't even drink at the wine party which makes it doubly frustrating. Anyway, lots of rest and hiding under my duvet. Today the migraine is mostly gone but the cold lingers.
Let's see, it's been awhile since I've written an entry. Here are the current stats.
Writing: Slow and steady, I am working on revising the novel. I am re-writing points of views so it's about re-shaping the way the story is being told. Not sure yet, if it's working but I'll just plug through until I've made a solid pass across the whole manuscript.
Health: Had my first appointment with a naturopathic doctor to figure out the pain that I've been dealing with. She's recommended a restrictive diet to weed out the possibility of food allergies and some herbs to help tonify organ functions. I am feeling positive and glad about being pro-active about my health. Let's see how it all sorts out.
Music: Went to see Blue October play live at Irving Plaza on Saturday. Their music live is so worth the price of a ticket! The group has some rabid fans but the best part of that is the ability to listen to the whole audience singing/shouting/carrying along with music. Frontman Justin Furstenfeld has such a great growl and when the music crescendoes, the audience is riding along with that wave. Irving Plaza was a bit too small for this group's crowd but I was able to grab a spot near an open door, that helped keep my claustrophobia at bay. His rendition of Bleed Out (from his new album) was so genuine and heartfelt that I could feel the intention of the song down to my toes. He also sang the first song that turned me onto this group Hate Me. I also wanted to mention the song Fear, the version that he sang at Irving gave me the chills. The song was sung with a full open voice..really beautifully done. I can't stop listening to their music. Hoorah!!
I think that's all I have for now. I have to get some sleep. Enjoy!!
Writing Update--No work done on the novel this week. No excuses, just no work.
Monday, I tried to re-write a paragraph. The frustration was too great. The results too crappy. So that went straight to the bin.
Starting this new temp gig has had me on overdrive at work with very little brain power at night. I've been going on fumes and now that it's almost Friday...I'm looking forward to this long weekend for some much needed writing time.
I've also been dealing with some health issues. Nothing so dire to land me in the hospital but just enough of a nuisance to make me make an appearance with my primary doctor. Follow up visits to ensue next week to get test results.
I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. Have a great holiday weekend.
Peace,
Lily~
Monday. It's a grey overcast day and it's a good day to write. I've spent the late morning/early afternoon working on the novel. It's coming along. That's as much as I'll say about the writing. I've hit my wall though. I need more caffeine. I made the mistake of drinking decaf tea earlier and now I'm paying for it with big open-mouthed yawns. I have more work to transcribe so I'm going to take a little break, freshen up my cuppa tea, move around a bit, perhaps a bite for lunch (leftovers) and then back to work.
My temp gig ended last Friday and for a change it didn't freak me out. I thought: at least I'll have some time to work on the writing. Altho' my very efficient agency may have another gig lined up for me starting tomorrow. In the meantime, it's a good day to get some of my own work done. Yay.
Let's see, this weekend, I caught up with a couple of shows that my friend Tony has been telling me to watch for ages. The Fall with Gillian Anderson. It's a UK crime show and she's brilliant in it. There are only a handful of episodes so I was able to watch most of them.
Also, I started watching Hemlock Grove on Netflix. That show I'm still on the fence. Lili Taylor plays a guest role and I love her to bits in this series. The lead characters feel a bit stilted for me but I only managed to watch a couple of them so far. Famka Janssen also plays a character and she steals the show. The evil characters always seem so much more interesting than the do-gooders. She definitely has the creepy mama vibe working for her.
That's all I have for now. Off to find more tea.
Peace,
L~
Writing Update.
Is this the part where I tell you that I want to quit writing?
The part where I tell you that I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing with this novel.
And I really, really want to give up on it. I mean REALLY!
Light the manuscript on fire and let the whole thing go up in smoke.
Yep, that's how I'm feeling about it these days. I know this feeling will pass but until that feeling passes I wait.
I want to move onto a new project. Perhaps go back to my first love, poetry.
Throw some snow on the wall and see what sticks.
Go back to playwriting and write 110 pages of a full-length play.
Do almost anything else but deal with the vast blankness that I have pertaining to this novel.
The writing muse is gone...or at least in a deep sleep...or a coma....or on vacation.
I try to fake it for awhile but there is just so much faking I can do before I know that the words are not right. The writing isn't getting better. The story is floundering. And so am I.
I read in one of my many books on writing that sometimes if you have shared too much of the story... the creative self will stop writing. Might that be the case? Well I can't un-do the sharing. I can't unpop that cork. Going forward I may hold back and keep my fingers still from writing on my blog about the next project but for right now...I am slowly wallowing in the murky depths of a story that doesn't quite work. Ergh! If I were to start over, hack it up, what would be left over? Perhaps I'm not meant to be a novelist? Who intentionally signs up to be a writer anyway?
I wrote to an old friend to tell them how writing was my first love. And that in my early twenties I thought myself a force to be reckoned with...I wanted to take the publishing world by storm.
Twenty years later, I'm just working on facing the page and not quitting.
My friend reminds me that I persevere, no matter what...I keep moving forward. I feel stuck tonight.
I spent the better part of my adult life working on Plan B, trying to sort out a career, a relationship (a couple of them), some savings for the future. Yes, well that didn't work out either.
There is no more Plan B. Writing is what I have. It's all I've ever wanted to do. And as I sit here rubbing my eyebrows off, I have to say tonight, I just wish I was a better writer.
Better at the craft. Better at making it work. Better at not allowing the funk to get the best of me.
I'm still writing...I spent the better part of the day working on one character. One small slice of the story. How do you build them up so that they seem like living breathing characters? One layer at a time. Ergh!
There have been all these articles lately about how a "writer" must conduct themselves pertaining to their blog in order to build their audience. They say not to share too much personal information, not to whine, not to complain too much. Yep, I've done all of these "no-nos" in varying degrees since I've first started this blog back in 2008. And really, it's not bad advice since you always want to put your best self out there. But for f**k sake this is PART of the writing process too. This unmitigated impatience and pity-partying tango is part of it too. Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. Those articles be damned!
11:30 am on Saturday and I am procrastinating on writing with laundry. Even writing this blog entry is about not working on my novel. Ergh! It's that thing that I need to work on but it feels like work so I'm avoiding. This week I've been distracted with life, concerts, dating, poetry readings and now I'm trying to catch up with myself. Good thing, right?
The problem with catching up with myself is that all those feelings that I've been distracting myself from are now sitting in the forefront. They are just feelings and they will pass but breaking off with my last gf has left me feeling shitty. I just miss her company. Bleck!! :-P
Am I using this "feeling shitty" as an excuse not to write? Damn Skippy!
I finished reading Barbara Kingsolver's Flight Behavior. God! She's such an amazing writer and altho' I did not like her last title Lacuna...this book..this book...was magic. These are her opening lines to Flight Behavior:
A certain feeling comes from throwing your good life away, and it is one part rapture. Or so it seemed for now, to a woman with flame-colored hair who marched uphill to meet her demise. Innocence was no part of this. She knew her own recklessness and marveled, really, at how one hard little flint of thrill could outweigh the pillowy, suffocating aftermath of a long disgrace.
There are moments in this book that broke me open, dug into the middle of my chest and crushed the air out of my lungs. The suffocating emotions she evoked were carved out of this stark small town landscape and the monarch butterflies were the catalyst to Dellarobia Turnbow's transformation. Kingsolver has a way of crushing together hard science, the natural world and the human species into a tangible relationship. Beautifully written. I found myself choking back unexpected tears.
Okay, enough procrastinating. Time to face my novel.
Peace,
L~
I write and I paint. Then I try to articulate some coherent thoughts about the creative process on this blog. In between those moments of producing work, I take photos, listen to groovy music, watch indie movies, read (a lot), go hear live music (preferably someone that rocks), go to the theater to see a new play from time to time, watch sci-fi movies, and continue to cultivate my curiosity. Then I write about that too.
