Love - The Only Why

It's Friday night. I have the weekend left before I head back home to NYC after a week vacation in Texas. I'm having an internal struggle about going back to work. Not that I want to stay in Texas. Too much of a car culture. My preference is easy mass transit (even with all my complaints).

I am feeling a bit contemplative about what I want to work on in the new year. This is what my list looks like at the moment:
1. Write (every day, all the time, any chance i get)
2. Breathe Deeply
3. Smile from my heart
4. Laugh often
5. Be present
6. Minimize material goods
7. Stretch

That's as far as I've gotten but it's a good start. In the past, I make these huge lists of all the things I want to accomplish and all the projects that I want to complete and it adds a certain level of stress to my life. To the point where I start to feel the clock tick-ticking away in the back of my brain when I haven't achieved a number of things on my ghastly lists. I am giving myself a break. An actual PASS from my perpetual TO-DO lists for the next twelve months.

Instead, I want to try some new things, explore interests that will wake me up. I've been too dormant. Too passive. Expending too much time and energy into things that are NOT important to me. And not spending enough time with my nieces and the rest of my family. I've been neglectful because I've been too busy earning a living. At the end of the day, that doesn't really cut it for me. I want to connect with friends and family in a different way.

I was trying to paraphrase a line from the movie Collateral Beauty and no matter how I wrote it out, there was a whole emotional context that was missing.  I'm opting now instead to write out loud that I need a new reason to get out of bed in the morning when I have to face my day. I don't want it to be about paying bills, I want my life to be out so much more.  Connect to those things that will bring music back into my soul, literally and figuratively. For starters, explore Latin Jazz ...I was listening to some old Cuban music and an ember of interest burned hot in my belly.  I'm going to follow through when I get home. Find some venues to listen to some live music and see where it takes me.  You get my drift.  Of course, there is so much more to write but for now I'll leave it there.

This is my last entry for 2016.

Peace,
Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

James Bay's show at Radio City

Glittery NYC (9.30.16)

8:02 pm

today was a day of rest. slept in late (now that's luxury).  made some breakfast and a big mug of tea. then went out to catch a double feature: suicide squad (yay!) and star trek (double yay!) It was a good day for it.  then raced home before the storm clouds caught up.  i wrote that as a flash of lightning lit up the sky with thunder rolling in.
peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

10:50 pm

it was a very hot, humid day and i still managed to get quite a few things done.  a little exercise, bought much needed groceries, did a little laundry, cleared out some junk drawers, threw out old files while listening to some cranked up music. it was a good day to get some chores done.  there is more to do but it was a good decent start.  I finally stopped around 7:30 pm so i could eat something...but now i'm feeling just plain grimy.  definitely need a  shower but i'm having a hard time peeling way from watching the olympics.  i have one more think to tick off my list and i'll be done for the day...
peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:24 pm

this is what happens when i turn apathetic. i go blank. forget what i give a shit about. forget who i am, what i'm about. i'm looking for the escape route. the backdoor. boredom blankets my day to day. i am hungry for more of something else. anything else. i forget to breathe. there is more need for quiet. more need to be alone. i have vacation in a little less than two months but i am hanging on by my fingertips.  white knuckling through the week. this is not my self-pity speech. all i have to do is do something different. any thing different.  i'm just stuck in a rut and bored by it all.  i'm reading but need something more substantial.  maybe i'll re-read the english patient.  that book is pure poetry. i want decadence, something i can sink my teeth into, something to remind me what my purpose in this life might be. perhaps it's time to revisit kathe koja...her writing is like music to me.

peace
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Protect Yo Heart

12:10 am

i'm a reluctant participant
in this life of mine at times
figure it's worth a cup of salt
water first thing in the morning
the world is on fire, blood on
the ground and military coups
in the making against a dark sky
how many lives actually matter
during a torrential downpour
we are lost pieces in a battle
steeped in a reactionary war
who really lurks in the shadows
promising bullet holes and bombs,
the world is on fire while the taste
of salt lingers on my tongue
there is no boogie man, only fear
and the inability to sleep alone

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Cloud Gazing on Coney Island Beach

stumbling

she wears a dress
color of ripe melon
flesh to hide the pink
sunburn on her pale
white skin, clever girl.

my niece wants
to grow up and
keep the planes
of her changing
body flat, angular,
to be a clever boy.



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:09 pm

it bubbles up
presses against flesh
heads up, you'll miss it
come up to the surface
along the eyelash line
see the dewdrops
about to fall, halfway
done, need the sun
to break, call home
you've been gone
for far too long
thunder rumbles
in the distance
calling, calling
guitar strings
plucked, stroked
slides along
skreech sounds
across lei lines
where pressure
builds up, an edge
along the tooth line
can you feel it?
way down we go
the back of my throat
aches when i think
of you alone.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

7:31 pm

the day is hot. sunlight pinpricks my skin walking up a hill.
a warm wind sweeps down, a caress, a kiss and i've missed you
again. humming beneath my breath to alicia key's in common
song reminds me of what we had in the swing of a drum beat.
tree branches move slowly reaching outward, the sky is quiet
thin heat drying out the cavern where a heart once beat softly.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Alicia Keys - In Common

I heard Alicia Key's song, In Common, a couple of months ago and loved the flow of the music. Should have shared it back then but here it is now....enjoy.  

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:08 pm

this week flew by. it didn't help that i came down with another migraine mid-week. stress-related. how do i know? a sty is growing in my left eye at the moment. a sure sign of stress. i'm listening to cats fighting in the backyard hissing and screeching at each other. every one seems to be stressed out lately.  i want to take cover.  hide. stick my head in sand. disappear.  yet here i am writing this missive tonight so i must be lying. we are all liars. trying to fit. square peg/round hole. trying to smooth our edges. hide our anger. trying to play nice. i'm tired tonight. fireworks are going off somewhere in the neighborhood. it poured earlier. like a lot. thunder storm rain. tornado warnings for nyc until 10 pm. if i could put my head down on my table i'm sure i'd fall asleep. i am restless. creative hunger lingers. i burned my back and it's only now starting to itch. the smell of smoke wafts thru my open window.  i got a couple of poems published in Downtown Brooklyn, Issue #25. the weekend is upon us. my apt is clean and my mug empty of tea. now to actually sit down and write...


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

8:44 pm

i spent time at the beach today.  waves crashing onto the shore is one of my favorite sounds. a lazy swim in the ocean felt yummy. i spent time with my nieces and my sister and it was fun, even when they were driving me bat s**t crazy. exactly what i needed. it's the first long weekend in a long time, a chance to unwind, decompress. a little burned on my back, next time i'll ask my sister, not my niece to apply sunscreen on my back. i read for pleasure and listened to frank sinatra songs coming from a neighbor's radio. tomorrow is another day of work but it'll be a little easier to face.

peace,
l~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

11:05 pm

it was a gorgeous day. after spending most of the day indoors yesterday it was amazing to go to the beach today.  only for a couple of hours.  the water was cold.  the waves and wind were strong.  the sun bright.  i chatted with my sister ces, catching up with her. it's been awhile since we've spent time. too much work.  too much time away.  we rattled on and it felt good.  sand between my toes.  salt water in my hair.  sun on my skin, warming my bones. yum. my head is clear. i can face another day.

peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Brain Rumblings

My brain is on fire.  I have a migraine that won't let up.  It has been intense the last two days and in the worst moments I feel like I'm coming apart.  Ripping at the seams.  I am functioning enough to get through my day job but there is nothing left over by the time I get home.  Hollowed out.  Think pumpkin-seed entrails. What the hell is bringing this on?  Stress?  Probably but when isn't life stressful. I am unable to string together enough coherent thoughts together.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

i read Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo and really couldn't put it down. i decided to read the first chapter and i was hooked and not in a small way. for example i resented having to go into work because it would be too many hours before i could pick up the book again. it's a good blend of humor and action. it's a heist with a fantasy-magic-teen fiction vibe. it was also a lot of fun. i had a clear sense of each of the characters, their power-abilities and i cared about whether they lived or died. i will admit there was one moment in the story where i rolled my eyes because it felt overdone (summer blockbuster overdone). i let it slide and kept going. basically i devoured 465 pages in 4 days.  when i had less than 60 pages left i knew that there was still more story left to tell...luckily i only have until september before the new book Crooked Kingdom comes out. it's been months since i've been excited over something i've read.

peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:03 am

Last night I dreamt about vampires and succubi having a night of awakening where they changed into their true nature and the rest of the world would be their playing field. At morning light, no one but the changelings would remember.  It was a dark dream full of sinister desires.

Jumping thoughts...
A show host asked some actors (tv & theater), "which do you prefer, making money or doing theater?"  It made me laugh out loud because it's so true.  You do theater for the love of it. I miss it.  It's been years since I've worked on a theater project. I have skeletons of plays in my file cabinet...it's time to bring them back out into the light and flesh them out.

I remember skimming thru a short quick piece I had written long ago and I had a moment of "when did I write this?" It had been so long since I had seen that 10 minute play that I thought it belonged to someone else because I didn't remember every writing the words that were on the page.  Yes, it belonged to me, my name was on every page. Good lord the making of a mad woman.  I've gone on long enough, I need a shower and some breakfast to face my day.

Peace,

Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

7:23 pm

It's been a long hectic week and I'm sitting in my living room listening to James Bay sing Let It Go. It's a gorgeous evening and a soft warm breeze is coming in through my window.  I just got back from doing laundry, folding/putting away clothes and now I'm taking a small break enjoying sitting here, writing this entry.  I'm trying to decide between leftovers and take out.  My veggie soup may win out by sheer proximity.

I was writing in my journal earlier about possibly wanting to stay in this apartment another year and then a slew of complaints came raging out.  I changed my mind very quickly. So there you have it, I just need to man-up and find a new place. Bah!

I've been to see a few of the early blockbuster superhero movies and to be honest I'm quite bored by them all so far.  I hear fanboys/grrls gasping in dismay for that statement but the story lines are quite tired and played out. The exception is Deadpool, of course, mostly for all the 80s references and superhero in-jokes. I think it's time to break out and see some of the indie films to get a dose of substance over flash and cgi effects. One last point on the subject-Ben Affleck as Batman?!! Come on!! What genius made that decision?

Oooo, I forgot to mention...I went to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway last week.  I've wanted to see this musical for so long that I may have been anticipating more from it.  Despite my sister and her husband telling me about it, I don't know *shrug* it was just okay for me.  Again it goes back to story arc, music was decent and some parts funny but again...I think wanted more.  Story of my life.

A stray tabby is stalking a bird outside my window...they totally took me out of my thoughts over musicals.  There is a slew of stray cats living in the backyard of this area.  One day this week I was sitting up against the corner of my couch and there were 5 cats sitting on my fire escape watching me.

It reminded me about this story...apologies if I've written about it before...but growing up I thought I had cats for pets. I mean I really thought that when I was in kindergarden/first grade I had a slew of cats.  I asked my mom to verify this fact sometime last year and she told me that I never had cats.  I was really shocked because I remember the smell of them and also being frightened over one that swiped at me.  It turns out I used to feed the stray cats near the building I grew up in so they would turn up when I would get back from school.  My poor dad, being the super to that building, found out pretty quickly and had to collect all those cats and take them somewhere else.  Where? I couldn't tell you but I remember being totally devastated over losing all my "pets."  A cat lady in the making. Haha.  I miss my Pandora but I think one cat was all the room I had for in my life, despite my captive audience outside my window.

I think that's all I have for tonight.

Best,

Lily


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

eight years

I've been writing on my itty bitty blog, on and off, for the past eight years. I'm sitting here in my living room with my laptop on my lap as I let the thoughts rise.  I'm writing blindly.  Not really sure what I want to share or where we're going today.

I've been busy working. The day job consumes a lot of my brain and time.  It's becoming a career and the creative life has been suffering quite a bit for it. Trying to find a bit of balance but trying and doing are sometimes miles apart.

Meanwhile, my laptop is dying a slow death.  I'm thinking once it dies, I may just unplug for a while. Maybe buy myself a decent typewriter and go old-school. I'm shrugging. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm also moving in a couple of months, yet again.  I am not looking forward to the prospect of looking for a new place.  I am really tired of moving.  The one beautiful thing about my current space is the light that comes through in the afternoon.  I'll miss that...but depending on where I move next...I can always chase afternoon light by taking long walks.

I miss my creative life.  I need more time for it.  I was writing during breaks and back and forth from work but it's just not enough.  I sometimes have fantasies of running away from my life, go off and write somewhere. I just haven't figured it out yet.  I still haven't even transcribed my writing from last year...I have all this material from my Sorrento trip that I still haven't pulled apart and revised.  Eesh.

Ooo the thought popped into my brain to go up to Burlington, Vermont for a writing retreat.  I really just want to go off by myself for a long weekend and write.  * sigh *  I may have to wait until after my move in July.  Really, I should just write where I am.  I don't need to go off to do this work.

I need to call the shots.  I'm being too passive in this thing called my life.  I have work to do and I'm spending too much time waiting for something to cue me into action.

Okay, I've gone on long enough.  It's time for me to go to bed.  I've been sick with a crazy head cold this weekend and I'm ready to pass out.

Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

barely here

i've been away for a good long while, not really writing out loud on this blog but missing it all the same. part of it is the disconnected feeling after a long winter and the spring not warming my bones enough. part of it is feeling disconnected from my creative life, like a starved bear coming out from hibernation. the desperation gnaws the back of my throat, claw marks. no wonder i am so short-tempered. i'm holding back, holding it in and i can barely breathe. all i can manage are these short missives into the void.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

zygote

I've been wandering with my hand in my hair tucking a strand behind my ear looking around listening to all the city sounds and wondering where the hell am I in this world, in this life...who is casting a shadow on the pavement, trembling at the hard strike of noise behind me...who is remembering the songs from earlier years when love was EVERYthing...who is casting the role of lover on a tin paper foil, forgotten in a old pair of jeans too tattered to wear anymore...I keep saying out loud it's too late, it's too late, it's too late...while an ember still burns in a belly full of dreams...the song is still there in soft whispered tones that bubble up in short stuccato phrases, disparate sounds...yet there i am lying awake grasping in the dark and all i hear is an aching silence.



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Stone Cold - Demi Lovato

I gotta say this one snuck up on me.  It was making the rotations last year but tonight I really heard it. And now I kinda love it. 

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Indigo is not dead

I broke out Indigo again...I made up my mind to finish this project. I feel completely lost with it but I'm just going to take it one chapter at a time until I flesh out the story.  I was reading the first couple of chapters from an earlier version of it and I always loved the initial impulse.  I think I lost my way because I tended to listen to my writing group's suggestions instead of following my own path with the project.  I almost want to scrap the last version and start from the very beginning.  I did re-read some feedback from one of my readers, Ric, because I knew he read/understood the science fiction component which also went away with all the new revisions.  His feedback made me laugh out loud in the middle of a train because it was so on-point with what I was trying to achieve initially. Anyway, this story will be held close to the vest until the novel is in final form.  I just need to remember to trust my instincts and see where the story/the characters take me on this journey. If they are willing to talk to me again.  I may have severed that link but I'll give it another go and see what happens.
I'm also rethinking the title. I was walking around Barnes and Noble at Union Square today. God, I really love being in a bookstore, its really one of my happy places.  Anyway, I was skimming titles and there are too many titles out there with Indigo in the title. I'm sure I can find something else to replace it...I'll do that last, once i'm finished this project.

Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Cobwebs

I've been sick with a bad cold this past weekend. It started last week and has lingered on and on.  I've been curled up on my couch and I've drunk copious amounts of tea and vitamin water. I watched a foreign film that was both heartbreaking and beautiful called The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012). The beauty came from the bluegrass music and even moments when the couple was first starting to fall in love. Their relationship is tested when their daughter falls ill.  The story is not told in chronological order which makes it wonderful.

I sometimes miss my old life. Even though it was stressful going from one gig to another. I miss not being invested in the day job. There is freedom in not taking work home with you.  I've been having difficulty connecting to the writing and I think I'm blaming it on the day job. Too much of my brain space is being taken up by it. I never wanted to turn into a mediocre writer who writes as a "hobby". Even the very sound of that word makes me want to hurl. But every year I find myself just a little bit farther away from what matters to me.  Makes me sad. Yes, I can turn back to it and make time. Get up at 5 am and begin again.  It's possible. After all, I'm not dead yet. I am listening to the rain hit against my window pane and I feel time slipping away. I am blaming this cold for the melancholy that seems to have taken hold of me.

Tomorrow the day will be bright and crisp and I will take a long walk to clear the cobwebs.  Here's to a bright morning.

Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Jessie Ware - Say You Love Me

I know I'm late to the party on this artist but I can't stop listening to this song.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Girl Crush - Halestorm (Little Big Town Cover)

Music is keeping me company tonight. I came across this cover of Girl Crush by Halestorm and who doesn't love a little rock growl in a country song.  I will admit I do love Little Big Town's understated version because it's heart-felt. But I like the pain Lzzy Hale emits in her version.  

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.