Nope

The writing did not come easily today. Booooo!  Saturday I was in the flow and I was able to get a few pages out. Today, Sunday, not so much. However, I did not berate myself for the lack of flow. Instead, I pivoted and cleaned my living space and the fridge. It helped clear my head. 

I meant to work on day job tasks this weekend but I decided to allow myself time to do other things. Instead, I baked banana muffins with chai spices. I'm trying to work out a recipe that is still not quite right. The first batch was too sweet.  This batch is better but it's missing something. I think the flour mixture is just not quite right yet but it's almost there. 

I am listening to Ben Howard's Every Kingdom album. I love his music and it has really chilled me out this afternoon. So no whinging, no crying, no tantrums, nope, just me. 

-Peace   

Hmmmmm...it's March 2022

I start and I stop. I start a line and then I erase it. What I want to write may not land well so I retract it. Yet I continue to try to find the end of the line correctly. There is so much going on in our little global community. No wonder billionaires are trying to shoot out into outer space and get off this planet. Escapist fantasies. 

In the midst of what is going on, I continue to work a day job that extracts way too much energy and too many brain cells. Feeling a bit crispy around the edges from too many hours, too much work, not enough support resources. I've been walking during my lunch hour to grab some air, spend some time away from my desk and to get some sunlight. I am way too pale these days and I've been trying these weird foot exercises that are giving me crazy shin splints pains/leg cramps. Ugh, no bueno. 

Anyway, I've been writing creatively, working on a new novel, working through a shitty first draft, showing my writing group and getting much needed feedback. I value their input but I'm not sure they really get it. Did I mention it's a shitty first draft? I'm still working out the story arc as I write it out so there are some things that I have figured out and some things that still need to be developed. It's a slow process but when my muse is awake she is greedy for a couple of hours of uninterrupted time. Hmmm. I try to give her what I can time-wise but sometimes she has to wait until the weekend before she gets her allotted time to create. 

Why am I writing now, here, after all this time? I really wanted to talk to someone and I reached out to a few people. I even got to chat with a few but after hanging up I was still restless. Work is stressful, but come on, when isn't it? I tried a little retail therapy but I realized I didn't want to add to my credit card bill. I skipped my yoga routine tonight because I was just plain tired. 

Then I came across the final version of Kylie Rothfield's Ghost and had to put it up on this blog to share. I can never resist a gorgeous voice or song; and thought, what the hell, let me write a line or two to see what comes out. I never know what I will actually share when I freewrite but it's March 2022 and it's been too quiet for too long and Spring is coming...after this next snowstorm, of course. I needed an outlet tonight and this is where I got it. 

Peace

LA

Down the Rabbit Hole

Can we just move past the fact that I haven't written on this blog for over a year? Yes, let's do that...we can come back to what I've been up to after I get some of these thoughts down on the page, as fast as I can possibly type. Forgive any typos/misspellings/terrible grammar mistakes...I'll probably fix them later anyway. 

First off, this week I've been on vacation. After a very stressful, difficult year yours truly has been heading down the path of total annihilation. A bit extreme term I know. I've needed to make some changes in my life. Perhaps what I mean to write is that I've been breaking myself down into smaller manageable parts because the chaos of both the outer world and my interior world have been breaking me wide open. I will not go into a rant on the socio/political/economic turmoil happening out in the world right now. I sincerely can't handle it right now.  My physical body wants to shut down and play dead if I delve into it too deeply tonight.

Instead, I will tell you about the three books that I am currently working through this week.  I am reading a chapter every day and trying to process out what the work brings up through journaling. Three titles:

1. Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection - I started reading this book half-heartedly in the Summer but found myself turning away because it was too difficult to deal with what it was bringing up for me. I came back to it at the end of last month and something clicked. I am further along now and trying to face some of my demons along the way. As always, easier said than done but I'm flexing my courage muscle to see if I can find a new way of approaching my life and those tender, vulnerable places that need some serious healing love.

2. Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski - Okay, this book is changing my life right now. I didn't realize how much stuck stress (and stress stew) I was sitting on, and what kind of physical damage it was causing my body. Honestly, the chronic migraines should have been my tip-off.  This book was recommended by my therapist in the Spring but I was too busy and too stressed out to even read it back then. Yes, I see the irony in that last statement. But now that I know and I can't un-know the information that it's given me. 

3. Emotional Agility by Susan David - This is my most recent addition and I'm trying to find some emotional balance in the face of so much uncertainty, stress and life challenges. When I know more I will write more. 

Writing -  In the past month, I've gone back to writing creatively. Working on a new writing project after all this time. It feels good to spend some time creating again. Gosh, I should have known I would spiral out without having some ties to my writing life. The new work-in-progress is called Valentina, this is not the final title. Hopefully, I'll have a first draft done by the end of the year. 

Yoga - I'm back to a daily practice of yoga. I started off as a need to stretch after sitting in front of a computer all day/all year. And now it's a good release to work through some of the stress in my life. 

Meditation - Yep, that's right, I'm meditating twice a day for at least 15 minutes. Once in the morning before I get my day going. I quiet my mind and breathe deeply. Most days, it's trying to shut down the task master and the endless to-do list. Also taking a formal meditation class once a week. It helps to be in community with others who are meditating. It makes me feel a little less alone in the world. 

And meditate as the last thing i do before I got to bed. Helps slow down my over active brain. The last two weeks before vacation I was sleeping less than 4 hours a night because my brain would not turn off. I was barely functioning. The meditation has helped a great deal. I think I would have been worse off if I hadn't been meditating. Oh, a big shout-out to Dan Harris' book 10% Happier. It's part of the reason why I went down this self-empowering rabbit hole. Thanks Dan!!  

Painting - I actually mean painting my apartment. I love listening to musicals  while brightening up my home space. This week, I finally sealed my window ledge and painted it to a lovely light green color. I've been meaning to do this for the past year. It's finally done. Yay! Super pleased that I finally got it done. It's definitely not perfect because I'm not a professional contractor.  But I still get real pleasure for getting things accomplished. When I got this apartment, I made a long list of all the things I needed to fix/improve/work on. I've managed to get quite a bit done so Yay!  

Music- there are two songs that I can't stop playing over and over again. Justin Bieber's Ghost. Now don't hate. This tune made me stop in my tracks. The other song is The Other Side with Zac Efron and Hugh Jackman (from the Greatest Showman soundtrack). I seriously can't stop myself from jumping around my apartment when this story comes on. It actually brings me joy. On  that note, I'll leave it there for now.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2021 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

In A Rut....

I'm in bit of an existential rut. I get it, this pandemic has everyone a bit loopy. As a introvert, I don't really mind the time alone in my Brooklyn apartment, for the most part. The problem is that it gives me too much time to think. Too much time to contemplate the state of the world. And it plays over and over in the mind like an old Chinese water torture...drip, drip, drip...right between my eyes. I have too much time for navel gazing and you know how I get...a bit muddled to say the least. I've been reading light novels and re-watching Farscape for escapist fantasy. But I've reached my limit with escapist fantasies. What happens when one has reached their limit? That's right, reality comes crashing through and rudely interrupts to gain one's attention. I watch way too many hours of CNN. It seeps into my brain matter and sucks away any semblance of hope. I look at the state of the world and it fills me with despair, the soul-wrenching kind. Even now as I type these words my throat is clenched and my eyes are filled with unshed tears. I feel the rage of injustice coursing through my body.

I have learned in my studies that these times are cyclical. We will forge ahead and create a new reality as the global consciousness is raised to the next paradigm. Change is painful only when we a grasping to the old ways. There are people who want to unplug, remove themselves from the pain but what they don't understand is that they are not separate from this web of reality. We are all interconnected. We are part of a larger community, we are part of a global community. And we sorely need better leaders. A community of leaders who will blaze through these troubled times. Leaders who will light the way through the darkness, not for their own selfish reasons but for the good of humanity. I've been feeling too cynical for too long, hence the existential rut. I want a better vision for our future. My nieces and nephew need a better world, a place they can sink their teeth into, a better tomorrow. 

From Paulo Freir's Pedagogy of the Oppressed, he writes, "In order for the oppressed to be able to wage the struggle for their liberation, they must perceive the reality of oppression not as a closed world from which there is no exit, but as a limiting situation which they can transform....it must become the motivating force for liberating action." There is so much work to be done. More to come. 

-L

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2020 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

OMG! It's been too long...

First thing....my latest song obsession GHOST by Kylie Rothfield, produced by Ester Dean. Love Kylie Rothfield's tone, love the lyrics, love this song. It has so much ache and pain that I can't stop listening to it over and over again. You need to put the close captions on because the words are gorgeous. Before I even put it up on this blog, it was making me well up. So good!!  

Gosh, it's been 6 month since I last wrote on this blog. Nothing much has been going on. Pandemic, protests, looting, fires, working from home...you know, same old, same old. Not! 

This blog was always supposed to be about the creative work, my process and even a bit of whinging. However, my day job has basically hijacked my brain for the past year and a half. That's the very short answer to the very complicated question of, "where have you been hiding?" 

I've been working and reading. That's a fair assessment of the past six months.  I've been binge reading on books because I've been out of pace with my writing. I'd rather navel gaze than pick a pen up to write. My sister Ces is (right now) writing a story that she's so excited about that she's trying to finish it, so she can bring over a draft for me to read. Seriously?!  Ugh, I have no excuses. * head hung low in proverbial shame * 

My friend J gave me a couple of cheesy romance novels to read, very niche, very quirky...I won't even bother with the title but the writer in me was appalled at the simple story. The writer's inability to keep to the story arc. The climax of the story was 10 pages from the end of the book. Terrible! So disappointing and formulaic. I won't get back the couple of hours that this 200 page novel took from me. I'm sure you're asking, "well why didn't you just stop reading after the first 10 pages?" The quirkiness of the language kept me engaged and it had some funny literary references that made me laugh out loud. I admit it, I'm a literary geek and once I'm engaged in some way, I need to see it to the end. 

I digress, my point is that reading this book reminds me I am quite capable of writing my own novel/play/story. Seriously!!!  I can't stop saying that word...even in my own head. 

Next week, I'm taking a couple of days off just to give myself a break from work. I am going to spend those three extra days painting my living room (FINALLY!!!) Can't wait. I love painting, it takes me out of my head and the task itself is almost meditative. I've already taken all the books and DVDs out of the bookshelf and piled them on my dining table. If I can tackle moving the furniture out of the way, then painting on my own won't be quite so overwhelming. I was going to reach out to a friend to see if she has time to help but I have a hard time asking for help. There is a part of me that thinks..."I can do this on my own" and only when I'm in my 6th hour of trying to paint edges will I kick myself for not having reached out to friends or family. Stubborn. Like Mule <said in a Russian accent>  The other part is that it's a small space and once I move furniture, there won't be much room to navigate. Better to do it on my own so no one gets hurt.  Ha!

The last bit that I wanted to share is that I tried out for a playwriting residency with a NYC theater. I received my rejection letter at the beginning of this month. What a bummer! My creative life has taken a dramatic turn AWAY from where I had hoped to have been with produced and published work. Does that last sentence even make sense?  I've read it several times and I still don't know if it's grammatically correct. I'm losing my touch. Where is my Modern English Usage book?  Oh, that's right at the bottom of a pile on my dining room table.

That's all I for today. I don't know if I'm going to keep this blog going but at least for today, just one more entry into the ether.  

-Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2020 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Rounding the Corner

We are rounding the corner on 2019 and I thought I would sit here and play ketch-up. It's snowing today.  It's been a grey day all day and we are supposed to get a nor'ester storm later this evening. Gale force winds and snow. I am hibernating. I took the day off before I ever knew about the storm. So glad to be indoors today. I've been playing Ani DiFranco in the background for the better part of the day while I did some creative work. I finally changed it over to some Christmas music.  Mariah Carey is singing All I Want For Christmas. I can't help bobbing along to the song.

I am late on Christmas shopping. It's the first week and I have only bought one gift. Ergh! I think that might be the only one I get this year.  My poor nieces will just have to get an envelope of cash from me.  Poor things!  I have plenty of time to get my family gifts...but I just don't wanna! I am so over the crowded Christmas crowds. Maybe I'll just buy everyone socks this year. Haha!  Just kidding...well kind of. In the grand scheme of things, who cares? It's just more STUFF! Stuff that will get stuffed in over-stuffed drawers never to see the light of day again. I think my capitalist gene died this year. We will be holding a wake for it any day now. Just need to get the bottle of tequila sitting at my work desk to pour one for the homies. Haha!

I'm in a bit of silly mood. I've spent the weekend writing and spending time doing creative work. I feel almost human again. It's been too long.  I put an entry into an Emerging Writing Program with the Public Theater.  I didn't think I was going to follow through with it because on most given days, I feel like that ship has sailed.  BUT...then I think, why not? I have nothing to lose.  Better to put in an application and get a rejection than NOT applying.

My goal for the month of December is to find some creative projects to work on. I'm going to push past my comfort zone and find some new ways to challenge my creative brain. It's been lying dormant for about three years now...no more excuses.  Off the top of my head, here are some things I've been thinking about:
1. Continue to learn French. Perhaps get over my shyness and speak it, out loud.
2. Sign up for another drawing class.
3. Attend art lectures after work.
4. Take a cooking class.
5. Take a jewelry-making class.
6. Learn welding. Yes, for art projects
7. Learn weaving.
8. I've even thought of ballet classes but I can't get the Fantasia image of hippo in a tutu out of my head. Again...working on getting past my comfort zone. 

I will have to try a few things and see what I connect with.

On a last note, I'm going to leave you with Eartha Kitt's- Santa Baby

-Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2019 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

10 months away

It's been 10 months since I last wrote on this blog. Quite frankly, I thought I would shut it down and be done with it.  But I was putzing around my apartment  and I wanted to write...so of course the first thing I go do is start cleaning my apartment. 'Cause that's what I do when I want to write...housework. Make sense?  Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either.  After I finished washing dishes...the compulsion to clean subsided and I came to my computer to write entry.

I haven't done much writing lately. I have half-hearted attempts at different projects but nothing is kindling the fire in my belly. Something seems to be missing lately. The joy of it seems to have fizzled out, which is a difficult realization. I spent last night talking like a has-been writer with my best friend over watered down gin and tonics. Let's just say I woke up feeling a bit pathetic.

Let me go back a bit since there a whole slew of reasons/excuses why I'm not writing, should I share? Does it really matter? Well here goes anyway: at the beginning of this year, I received a promotion at work. But it's been challenging, learning this new role, having so much on, working Saturdays to try to get ahead of the workload, working at home to organize my priorities for the following day. It's a good decent job and I'm enjoying the challenges, for the most part. We have so much on that the higher ups gave us the nod to add a junior member to our team. We just started the interviewing process, it will probably be late October before the person will be onboarded to the team. In the meantime, I am still trying to learn all aspects of the job. I'm flexible enough to take on new information but there is not much time to process it. Ergh. I feel a bit burnt around the edges lately. All my grey matter has been going to the day job. I have very little left over for anything else.

I spent the better part of this summer working full stop. I've only taken a couple of days off and it was just to help some friends with a home reno'. Even now, I'm looking around my apartment and I can see all the things I have to take care of in the next couple of weeks. For example, re-seal the the window ledge to prevent the winter from seeping in. I have a stack of mail that I need to go through...most of it just needs to be thrown out. There are also all these odds and ends that need to be discarded. A bag full of clothing that I need to bring to one of the donation centers. It's never ending. I just want to simplify things/my life. That usually means scaling things back. Discarding, donating, getting rid of all the superfluous matter in my life.

My mom recently took a look at my closet and commented that I barely have any clothing. She has three walk in closets worth of clothing. Hmmm. I have just enough clothing to get me through 21 days worth of work, play and sleep. And I could still pull out articles of clothing that I never wear but haven't given up yet.  After writing this, I'm probably going to add them to the donation bag. * sigh *

I know this blog today is really a stream of consciousness entry but after almost a year of silence, let's just go with it...shall we?  It's 4 pm in the afternoon and I'm steaming up some leftover black rice with calamari squid for an early dinner.  I just had my third mug of tea and I need another.  I'm trying to figure out if I want to binge something on Netflix or start reading Memoirs of a Geisha.

Anyway, that's all I have for today.

me.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2019 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

summer showers

staring out the window, watching the sky. clouds move in sweeping arcs. rain comes down in blinding sheets. don't care what comes out of your mouth today. don't care what sounds you have uttered before. open wide, point upward, fill yourself up. tell all the travelers i'm dead. turn around, listen to the noise, escape unscathed once more. when you think of love, do you think of me? thunder moves through unrepentant. you're the reason why i feel at all. striking light across my eyes. you unfold sideways waiting for a reply that won't come anymore.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Love - The Only Why

It's Friday night. I have the weekend left before I head back home to NYC after a week vacation in Texas. I'm having an internal struggle about going back to work. Not that I want to stay in Texas. Too much of a car culture. My preference is easy mass transit (even with all my complaints).

I am feeling a bit contemplative about what I want to work on in the new year. This is what my list looks like at the moment:
1. Write (every day, all the time, any chance i get)
2. Breathe Deeply
3. Smile from my heart
4. Laugh often
5. Be present
6. Minimize material goods
7. Stretch

That's as far as I've gotten but it's a good start. In the past, I make these huge lists of all the things I want to accomplish and all the projects that I want to complete and it adds a certain level of stress to my life. To the point where I start to feel the clock tick-ticking away in the back of my brain when I haven't achieved a number of things on my ghastly lists. I am giving myself a break. An actual PASS from my perpetual TO-DO lists for the next twelve months.

Instead, I want to try some new things, explore interests that will wake me up. I've been too dormant. Too passive. Expending too much time and energy into things that are NOT important to me. And not spending enough time with my nieces and the rest of my family. I've been neglectful because I've been too busy earning a living. At the end of the day, that doesn't really cut it for me. I want to connect with friends and family in a different way.

I was trying to paraphrase a line from the movie Collateral Beauty and no matter how I wrote it out, there was a whole emotional context that was missing.  I'm opting now instead to write out loud that I need a new reason to get out of bed in the morning when I have to face my day. I don't want it to be about paying bills, I want my life to be out so much more.  Connect to those things that will bring music back into my soul, literally and figuratively. For starters, explore Latin Jazz ...I was listening to some old Cuban music and an ember of interest burned hot in my belly.  I'm going to follow through when I get home. Find some venues to listen to some live music and see where it takes me.  You get my drift.  Of course, there is so much more to write but for now I'll leave it there.

This is my last entry for 2016.

Peace,
Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:24 pm

this is what happens when i turn apathetic. i go blank. forget what i give a shit about. forget who i am, what i'm about. i'm looking for the escape route. the backdoor. boredom blankets my day to day. i am hungry for more of something else. anything else. i forget to breathe. there is more need for quiet. more need to be alone. i have vacation in a little less than two months but i am hanging on by my fingertips.  white knuckling through the week. this is not my self-pity speech. all i have to do is do something different. any thing different.  i'm just stuck in a rut and bored by it all.  i'm reading but need something more substantial.  maybe i'll re-read the english patient.  that book is pure poetry. i want decadence, something i can sink my teeth into, something to remind me what my purpose in this life might be. perhaps it's time to revisit kathe koja...her writing is like music to me.

peace
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

11:05 pm

it was a gorgeous day. after spending most of the day indoors yesterday it was amazing to go to the beach today.  only for a couple of hours.  the water was cold.  the waves and wind were strong.  the sun bright.  i chatted with my sister ces, catching up with her. it's been awhile since we've spent time. too much work.  too much time away.  we rattled on and it felt good.  sand between my toes.  salt water in my hair.  sun on my skin, warming my bones. yum. my head is clear. i can face another day.

peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

7:23 pm

It's been a long hectic week and I'm sitting in my living room listening to James Bay sing Let It Go. It's a gorgeous evening and a soft warm breeze is coming in through my window.  I just got back from doing laundry, folding/putting away clothes and now I'm taking a small break enjoying sitting here, writing this entry.  I'm trying to decide between leftovers and take out.  My veggie soup may win out by sheer proximity.

I was writing in my journal earlier about possibly wanting to stay in this apartment another year and then a slew of complaints came raging out.  I changed my mind very quickly. So there you have it, I just need to man-up and find a new place. Bah!

I've been to see a few of the early blockbuster superhero movies and to be honest I'm quite bored by them all so far.  I hear fanboys/grrls gasping in dismay for that statement but the story lines are quite tired and played out. The exception is Deadpool, of course, mostly for all the 80s references and superhero in-jokes. I think it's time to break out and see some of the indie films to get a dose of substance over flash and cgi effects. One last point on the subject-Ben Affleck as Batman?!! Come on!! What genius made that decision?

Oooo, I forgot to mention...I went to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway last week.  I've wanted to see this musical for so long that I may have been anticipating more from it.  Despite my sister and her husband telling me about it, I don't know *shrug* it was just okay for me.  Again it goes back to story arc, music was decent and some parts funny but again...I think wanted more.  Story of my life.

A stray tabby is stalking a bird outside my window...they totally took me out of my thoughts over musicals.  There is a slew of stray cats living in the backyard of this area.  One day this week I was sitting up against the corner of my couch and there were 5 cats sitting on my fire escape watching me.

It reminded me about this story...apologies if I've written about it before...but growing up I thought I had cats for pets. I mean I really thought that when I was in kindergarden/first grade I had a slew of cats.  I asked my mom to verify this fact sometime last year and she told me that I never had cats.  I was really shocked because I remember the smell of them and also being frightened over one that swiped at me.  It turns out I used to feed the stray cats near the building I grew up in so they would turn up when I would get back from school.  My poor dad, being the super to that building, found out pretty quickly and had to collect all those cats and take them somewhere else.  Where? I couldn't tell you but I remember being totally devastated over losing all my "pets."  A cat lady in the making. Haha.  I miss my Pandora but I think one cat was all the room I had for in my life, despite my captive audience outside my window.

I think that's all I have for tonight.

Best,

Lily


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

eight years

I've been writing on my itty bitty blog, on and off, for the past eight years. I'm sitting here in my living room with my laptop on my lap as I let the thoughts rise.  I'm writing blindly.  Not really sure what I want to share or where we're going today.

I've been busy working. The day job consumes a lot of my brain and time.  It's becoming a career and the creative life has been suffering quite a bit for it. Trying to find a bit of balance but trying and doing are sometimes miles apart.

Meanwhile, my laptop is dying a slow death.  I'm thinking once it dies, I may just unplug for a while. Maybe buy myself a decent typewriter and go old-school. I'm shrugging. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm also moving in a couple of months, yet again.  I am not looking forward to the prospect of looking for a new place.  I am really tired of moving.  The one beautiful thing about my current space is the light that comes through in the afternoon.  I'll miss that...but depending on where I move next...I can always chase afternoon light by taking long walks.

I miss my creative life.  I need more time for it.  I was writing during breaks and back and forth from work but it's just not enough.  I sometimes have fantasies of running away from my life, go off and write somewhere. I just haven't figured it out yet.  I still haven't even transcribed my writing from last year...I have all this material from my Sorrento trip that I still haven't pulled apart and revised.  Eesh.

Ooo the thought popped into my brain to go up to Burlington, Vermont for a writing retreat.  I really just want to go off by myself for a long weekend and write.  * sigh *  I may have to wait until after my move in July.  Really, I should just write where I am.  I don't need to go off to do this work.

I need to call the shots.  I'm being too passive in this thing called my life.  I have work to do and I'm spending too much time waiting for something to cue me into action.

Okay, I've gone on long enough.  It's time for me to go to bed.  I've been sick with a crazy head cold this weekend and I'm ready to pass out.

Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

barely here

i've been away for a good long while, not really writing out loud on this blog but missing it all the same. part of it is the disconnected feeling after a long winter and the spring not warming my bones enough. part of it is feeling disconnected from my creative life, like a starved bear coming out from hibernation. the desperation gnaws the back of my throat, claw marks. no wonder i am so short-tempered. i'm holding back, holding it in and i can barely breathe. all i can manage are these short missives into the void.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

zygote

I've been wandering with my hand in my hair tucking a strand behind my ear looking around listening to all the city sounds and wondering where the hell am I in this world, in this life...who is casting a shadow on the pavement, trembling at the hard strike of noise behind me...who is remembering the songs from earlier years when love was EVERYthing...who is casting the role of lover on a tin paper foil, forgotten in a old pair of jeans too tattered to wear anymore...I keep saying out loud it's too late, it's too late, it's too late...while an ember still burns in a belly full of dreams...the song is still there in soft whispered tones that bubble up in short stuccato phrases, disparate sounds...yet there i am lying awake grasping in the dark and all i hear is an aching silence.



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Musings

Someone asked me recently, "What's it all for?"  He was talking about the larger narrative.  About life.  About being human in this world.  What kind of answer could I have mustered to satisfy that question? I looked at the bottom of my whiskey glass for a reply.  My hands flitted around like lost birds trying to catch an answer.  But really, how the heck should I know?  I'm trying to figure this out for myself too. I am trying to figure out how to fit time for my writing and creative endeavors while holding down a full time job with all it's machinations and office politics while also dealing with my crazy family.  My hands give me away as I clasp on tightly to my calm exterior, the cracks are showing on the thin veneer. I am trying to create quiet spaces for myself so I can watch the sunrise or sunset, trying to remember to breathe deeply. Feeling it when love surrounds me but also feeling the edges of a lonely soul. Aching to be closer to the ideal life, whatever that might look like. I crave a quietness that stems from the soul.  Someone that's satisfied with who I am in this moment, instead of always feeling like I'm falling short from being a better person.  There is so much to be done and we are wasting time not doing much.  I am cat-sitting in Chelsea, keeping Otis and Tessa stocked up on munchies, water and catnip. Nice space with mewling kitties in the background. Must run, working on some poetry.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Gone Long Enough

I've been neglecting the blog.  I know.  There is just too much happening in my life and sitting for a spell to get some of it down...well let's just say that it's easier said than done.

Big life stuff happening.

My folks sold their house in Brooklyn and left NYC to start a new chapter in Texas.  Don't ask me why.  Me and my sisters are still scratching our heads over that one but we are happy they have the resources to be able to figure that out. It's been an emotional time, seeing our childhood home sold, helping my parents sort and pack 40 years worth of stuff,  etc, etc. My mom still tears up on the phone when I talk to her.  Let's just say that change is never easy for my family.

I've moved from Windsor Terrace to Sunset Park.  I need to take advantage of the park nearby but I seem to still be in the process of figuring out where everything goes in my apartment.  After a month of being here...I think I have finally scrubbed the last of the grime that was leftover from the previous tenant. My raw hands can attest to the cleaning frenzy I've been in.

The writing is still going.  I uploaded my short story Clara Betta on here after I received another rejection.  I gotta be honest, I took that one hard.  Instead of thinking of it as just another no, I took it on as "my work is just not good enough".  It played into this very deep insecurity I have about my writing and thought...I may as well just put it up on my blog.  I'd rather an audience read and see what I do instead of trying to find a place for it in this myriad of online sites. Is it my best work?  Probably not.  It's something tho' and I'm just going to keep going...hopefully the writing will get better.

I've been working on a short play called Elena.  I've sent it off to a short play festival. Let's see if I get a bite.  It's a fairly new piece and it's already gone through several rewrites, thanks to my writing partner Christine.

It's funny I was coming down hard on myself recently because I felt like I wasn't writing enough.  And I realized that I've been journal writing, doing some loose stream-of-consciousness writing for story ideas as well working on some short projects.  I really need to loosen the crazy tyrant in my head that convinces me that I haven't been doing the work.  When quite frankly all I seem to be doing lately is work.  Both in my day job as well as my writing life.  In fact, one of the first things I enjoyed in my new apartment was making myself a strong cup of tea and working quietly for several hours without interruption.  That was like sweet nectar for the soul.  The last cheesy line can attest to how much I loved it.

Anyway, I spent the better part of Saturday at the Vet.  Poor Pandora was bleeding profusely from her mouth.  There was blood all over my duvet and the bleeding wouldn't stop.  I spent 7 hours waiting... every time the vet came out to talk to me she was giving me worst case scenarios. First she thought P may have gotten into some rat poison and she might be in the throes of liver failure after one of her blood test showed that her blood wasn't clotting.  Then they ran the test again and her blood was fine. Eesh.  I sat in the waiting room reading a book.  I wanted to distract myself from the possibility of losing her. Pandora will be 17 years old at the end of the year, she's been with me for the past 14 years.  It's crazy to fathom life without her at this point.  I know death is inevitable but I guess I'm not quite ready to face that reality.

At the end of that long day, the bleeding had stopped, they still don't know what's wrong, and I have to bring her back for a dental appointment so they can take a better look while she's under anesthesia.  It might be the root of the tooth, hopefully they won't have to pull it.  Anyway, very grateful my folks left me some cash before they headed out of town.

What's next?  A much needed vacation in Italy in October.  Can't wait.  I'm making it into a writing retreat. I'll bring a couple of projects to work on.  I'm not sure if the novel is coming with me but it's a possibility.

I think I've gone on long enough...

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Lovely Day

What a lovely day.  It's now 11:11 pm and today was my birthday.  I usually really hate celebrating it but today I decided to treat myself.  First, I took the day off from work, very important part to this tale.  Just needed a couple of days to decompress...it's my first vacation time since the year started.  In the morning I had a bit of spa day with a facial.  The scent of pineapple and papaya enzyme wash was yummy. As was the quiet and the ambient music that played softly in the room. Afterwards I went back home and treated myself to a lox and cream cheese bagel with capers...it was decadent and I enjoyed every bite then again by 1 in the afternoon it was the first meal of my day.  The sun was out and there was this warm wind that caressed my skin while walking through Bryant Park.  I've been reading a couple of novels one sci-fi, one fiction piece with no nutritional value.  I spent time enjoying reading for pleasure.  I took a little siesta around 3:30 pm and woke up to my mother cooking one my favorite things...lengua in a spicy sauce.  Yummy.  She can't stand neither the sight nor the taste of it but she made a batch just for me. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Texas.  * sigh * Anyway delicious tacos for dinner.  And then off to look at an apartment.  I loved the fact that it was an L-shaped studio but hated everything else.  Ergh.  So I passed on that apartment.  Off to find something else.  The disappointment in not liking the apartment spurred me on to go see my co-worker and his band play at the Cake Shop on Ludlow.  Now that was fun, live music, hanging out drinking hard cider, chatting with musicians and artists afterwards...you just can't go wrong with a big dose of creative energy.  One of their songs to check out:


I enjoyed myself immensely and scooted out of there before I turned into a pumpkin.  No, really, there is always a point in the evening where i get over-familiar and I start to say too much, the liquid courage kicks in....I felt myself start to hit that point by the time they were ready to grab some food.  It was time for me to go home, my limbs were loose and the walk to my house and the warm windy night was the perfect way to end it.  I just needed some quiet to regain my composure and revel in the present moment.  As I write this entry, I am listening to Tori Amos and it's perfect for the gentle mood I'm in.  Tomorrow, my family is treating me to dinner in the city.  I feel blessed from all the affection from both family and friends.  I am letting it in, for a change.  :-)

What else do I have in mind for the rest of the week?  I think I'm going to play it by ear.  I really want the chance to allow myself some down time. I do know there are a few things that I need to take care of (apartment hunting for one) but I'm not worried about it.  I trust that the right apartment will come my way when it's time. In the meantime, I want to allow myself time to write...whoosh.... I just felt the shiver from the excitement at the prospect of writing.  Did you feel it?

That's really all I have for tonight. It's time to turn in and dream up a writer's life.

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Grumpy

It's 7:00 pm on a Wednesday evening and I am grumpy.  I've had a mild migraine for the better part of the day.  I woke up grumpy but I grumbled along as best as I could.  Then I was aggravated by the stupidity of people.  I should just let things go, not give over to every angry impulse but I didn't win out on that count. Instead I ate comfort food to stuff down my feelings.  Yes, I am quite aware of my food issues.  I haven't been sticking to my food restrictions either which may explain some of the grumpiness and overall yucky feeling. The only time I feel almost normal is when I have nothing in my system.  Being empty helps give my system a break. I may do that tomorrow. It will help. Where was I?  Oh yes, being grumpy.  So I tried writing some poetry while I was at lunch but that didn't really amount to much.  I'll include it in this entry just to share the first draft of a peom/poem. [I misspelled poem and liked the way it looked so I held onto it.]  Okay, right so moving on.  Despite the warmed weather, I'm still feeling cold. Clammy cold.  Must be the migraine.

Okay so the poem that I wrote this afternoon with just a few minor changes:

Thunder-Struck Silence at a Quarter to One

A reluctant start to this grey day
damp wind caresses skin promising
Spring sun, waking up a need/want
hunger with an open voracious mouth,
all-consuming, to be filled up to the brim
with some-thing/some-one of substance
to fill up the blank page
to fill up the darkness
to be reminded of days that held
hopeful dreams in bright neon colors.
Light reflects off the wet bricks
on a building across the street
a folded piece of paper opens
and closes, opens and closes
with each gust of air. We are
actors without a play or a part.
Metal beads scrapes across
the window pane, reflections
captures our attention, wander past
our thoughts toward higher ground
where we will not drown.  Heaven
is a sometimes promise to the weary
heart. We dare not shout into Winter's
dark. A star in the corner of a page is
a reminder to come back. We are asleep
with our eyes wide shut. I am not listening.
Need/want hunger suffocates. A life
without pain is a life without language.
Turn down the music there are people
lying. Turn down the covers, these
are the moments to despair.  Fold us
along our edges and press down tight.
                                                      -03.11.15

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Saturday Torch Light

I've carried a torch for someone for the past umpteen years and every Valentine's Day I spend the day pining after someone who's made another life for them self with someone else.  Every year I let go again. Intellectually, I know what the reality is and I have made peace with it in my own way. Sometimes it's a thin veneer.  The underlying beating heart of that truth delves far deeper.  It looks into the dark abyss.  It's been a slow methodical process to get to a different head space.  Some days are more successful than other days.  I am not writing this to be pitied. Trust me, I have enough self-pity to last me several lifetimes. I am writing this entry because I've been thinking a lot about the way I love. Why have I held onto someone for so long when we've had at best perhaps a handful of days together?  The fantasy far exceeds the reality.

Of course, when I am most desperately struggling with my creative writing, the obvious choice is to gravitate to the fantasy as a place to lose myself in for a couple of hours, days, weeks.

This morning, I did not want to rouse myself from sleep.  My head was pounding with a relentless migraine and all I could do was curl up and sleep half the day away. It is now late afternoon on a Saturday and I've managed to revise a 10-minute play and send it out to my writing group, get some laundry done, pick up Pandora's meds from the vet, buy a couple of steak tacos and now I'm writing this entry. I still have cleaning chores to take care of...I need to start with Pandora's litter box.  God! how I hate to clean it but it must be done.  Otherwise, I'll have a pile of poop waiting outside of the box as she protests using it even one day more unless I clean it. There is also a stack of papers, receipts and bills waiting to be sorted, paid and put away.  And a bottle of saki on my desk waiting to be opened. If I open that bottle now, nothing else will be done today.

I've been reading Karl Ove Knausgaard's, My Struggle, Book 1 and I am hooked on his writing. It's autobiographical but it's labelled as fiction. Autobiographical Fiction?  He makes the details of his life feel epic in nature.

Perhaps that's why I started this entry the way I did. Carrying a torch for someone for all those years has been a bit of a folly on my part.

I think it's time to find myself a new activity, preferably something physical to get this restless energy out of my system. Spring is right around the corner and I think I want to take up sailing.  I love being in the water and I could use something bright and beautiful to look forward to. I've gone on for way too long now. I still have not made up my mind on what to do next but... c'est la vie.

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.