Nope

The writing did not come easily today. Booooo!  Saturday I was in the flow and I was able to get a few pages out. Today, Sunday, not so much. However, I did not berate myself for the lack of flow. Instead, I pivoted and cleaned my living space and the fridge. It helped clear my head. 

I meant to work on day job tasks this weekend but I decided to allow myself time to do other things. Instead, I baked banana muffins with chai spices. I'm trying to work out a recipe that is still not quite right. The first batch was too sweet.  This batch is better but it's missing something. I think the flour mixture is just not quite right yet but it's almost there. 

I am listening to Ben Howard's Every Kingdom album. I love his music and it has really chilled me out this afternoon. So no whinging, no crying, no tantrums, nope, just me. 

-Peace   

Seared by Theresa Rebeck

Photo by Joan Marcus

On Sunday, I went to see Theresa Rebeck's play, Seared at MCC Theater. The story is centered around Harry, a chef and his business partner Mike trying to take their restaurant to the next level otherwise they will lose the business. Raul Esparza playing Harry is sensational as the temperamental chef. His whole body at times vibrates with power as he and David Mason (Mike) spar in the kitchen about everything. The underlying crux is creative passion versus profit. Mr. Mason (Mike) held his own against Harry.

W. Trey Davis (Rodney) and Krysta Rodriguez (Emily) are wonderful counterpoint characters to Mike and Harry.  Mr. Davis steals a couple of scenes with his subtle but striking performance. He's got some really great one-liners. Ms. Rodriguez, as the consultant, manipulates and wrangles the characters to do her bidding. She plays a fine line between conductor and observer.  As an ensemble they worked really well together and played off each other beautifully.

As far as the story goes, I wanted more.  Mike is worried about money and being able to turn a profit. I wish his character had a little more to him other than the bottom line. He was at the end of his tether...yes, he could lose everything AND then what? Harry's character was a bit more developed, he cared about the creativity of his kitchen but he was also a hypocrite which is why his character is more interesting. That duality makes for a more rounded character.  Emily as the counterpoint character plays pretty well...she helps raise the stakes. But everything she does is pretty expected.  I was waiting for the unexpected, some  slight twist that I could sink my teeth into (pun intended).

I am a big fan of Ms. Rebeck, I think her level of work is pretty amazing. I go to the theater not just as an audience member but as a writer.  There are moments that I enjoy more because of her clever writing. I appreciate her craft and I know I have a lot to learn for my own work.  I just appreciate the work that she is putting out in the world. 

-Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2019 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

pointy knives

i spent the evening writing. a shoddy paragraph and a healthy journal entry. i've needed some downtime to bitch and whine on the page. i can feel my patience waning lately. i've spent a lot of time giving of myself and not doing enough to replenish my spirit. my muse is sulky and in quite a mood so i am doing my best to give her a chance (and some much needed space) to throw her temper tantrum. after a couple of hours she's finally subdued in the corner. still sulking but at least no longer coming at me with daggers. her knives are pointy. in the meantime, i've been listening to ben howard, city and colour, pearl & the beard, james bay, bon iver, the lumineers and daughter to keep me company while i try to extrapolate some coherent thoughts onto the page. i think i'm done for the night tho'. squeezed dry. tomorrow i will try for another shitty first draft.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

11:30 am

I've taken some time off from my day job so I can focus on my writing. It's only a couple of days but I've escaped from the city and I'm hanging out upstate with my friend Tony. It's been a quiet retreat where I can take deep breaths, spend time writing, and eat lots of yummy healthy food. Well potato chips being the exception to the rule.

I watched the movie Arrival last night. What a fantastic movie!! It was one I wanted to watch earlier in the year but I didn't get a chance to see it. It's a smart, nuanced movie that might be too much for those who are expecting a shoot-at-the-aliens type of movie. Excellent, so glad I watched it with friends.

Also had a little kitty therapy surrounded by several cats who wanted attention from this friendly guest. Plus watching over Tony's two dogs...they crack me up, they are so freakin' cute.  Anyway, surrounded by so many animals has helped.  

I've also been adding to my novel 800-1,500 words at each stretch.  My first night here, I accompanied Tony to his mediation group and hung out in a waiting area writing while he counseled someone. The plan was to write for an hour and then join the meditation group. I don't know where the time went but I looked up and 2.5 hours had gone by in a flash. I had 1,500 words of fresh material to add to the novel. * happy sigh *

That's where I'm at. It's Sunday, I've spent my morning writing.  It's been a tough go today but I sat at my desk and just showed up. That's half the battle really.  I wrote up 747 new words but I don't really like it very much.  May have to go back and trash that section.  It's fine. It's just words. Tonight we are going over to play some board games with a group of friends...and if that doesn't happen then maybe watch a couple of episodes of WestWorld.  Just got into this show this weekend.

All for now.
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Cobwebs

I've been sick with a bad cold this past weekend. It started last week and has lingered on and on.  I've been curled up on my couch and I've drunk copious amounts of tea and vitamin water. I watched a foreign film that was both heartbreaking and beautiful called The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012). The beauty came from the bluegrass music and even moments when the couple was first starting to fall in love. Their relationship is tested when their daughter falls ill.  The story is not told in chronological order which makes it wonderful.

I sometimes miss my old life. Even though it was stressful going from one gig to another. I miss not being invested in the day job. There is freedom in not taking work home with you.  I've been having difficulty connecting to the writing and I think I'm blaming it on the day job. Too much of my brain space is being taken up by it. I never wanted to turn into a mediocre writer who writes as a "hobby". Even the very sound of that word makes me want to hurl. But every year I find myself just a little bit farther away from what matters to me.  Makes me sad. Yes, I can turn back to it and make time. Get up at 5 am and begin again.  It's possible. After all, I'm not dead yet. I am listening to the rain hit against my window pane and I feel time slipping away. I am blaming this cold for the melancholy that seems to have taken hold of me.

Tomorrow the day will be bright and crisp and I will take a long walk to clear the cobwebs.  Here's to a bright morning.

Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Gone Long Enough

I've been neglecting the blog.  I know.  There is just too much happening in my life and sitting for a spell to get some of it down...well let's just say that it's easier said than done.

Big life stuff happening.

My folks sold their house in Brooklyn and left NYC to start a new chapter in Texas.  Don't ask me why.  Me and my sisters are still scratching our heads over that one but we are happy they have the resources to be able to figure that out. It's been an emotional time, seeing our childhood home sold, helping my parents sort and pack 40 years worth of stuff,  etc, etc. My mom still tears up on the phone when I talk to her.  Let's just say that change is never easy for my family.

I've moved from Windsor Terrace to Sunset Park.  I need to take advantage of the park nearby but I seem to still be in the process of figuring out where everything goes in my apartment.  After a month of being here...I think I have finally scrubbed the last of the grime that was leftover from the previous tenant. My raw hands can attest to the cleaning frenzy I've been in.

The writing is still going.  I uploaded my short story Clara Betta on here after I received another rejection.  I gotta be honest, I took that one hard.  Instead of thinking of it as just another no, I took it on as "my work is just not good enough".  It played into this very deep insecurity I have about my writing and thought...I may as well just put it up on my blog.  I'd rather an audience read and see what I do instead of trying to find a place for it in this myriad of online sites. Is it my best work?  Probably not.  It's something tho' and I'm just going to keep going...hopefully the writing will get better.

I've been working on a short play called Elena.  I've sent it off to a short play festival. Let's see if I get a bite.  It's a fairly new piece and it's already gone through several rewrites, thanks to my writing partner Christine.

It's funny I was coming down hard on myself recently because I felt like I wasn't writing enough.  And I realized that I've been journal writing, doing some loose stream-of-consciousness writing for story ideas as well working on some short projects.  I really need to loosen the crazy tyrant in my head that convinces me that I haven't been doing the work.  When quite frankly all I seem to be doing lately is work.  Both in my day job as well as my writing life.  In fact, one of the first things I enjoyed in my new apartment was making myself a strong cup of tea and working quietly for several hours without interruption.  That was like sweet nectar for the soul.  The last cheesy line can attest to how much I loved it.

Anyway, I spent the better part of Saturday at the Vet.  Poor Pandora was bleeding profusely from her mouth.  There was blood all over my duvet and the bleeding wouldn't stop.  I spent 7 hours waiting... every time the vet came out to talk to me she was giving me worst case scenarios. First she thought P may have gotten into some rat poison and she might be in the throes of liver failure after one of her blood test showed that her blood wasn't clotting.  Then they ran the test again and her blood was fine. Eesh.  I sat in the waiting room reading a book.  I wanted to distract myself from the possibility of losing her. Pandora will be 17 years old at the end of the year, she's been with me for the past 14 years.  It's crazy to fathom life without her at this point.  I know death is inevitable but I guess I'm not quite ready to face that reality.

At the end of that long day, the bleeding had stopped, they still don't know what's wrong, and I have to bring her back for a dental appointment so they can take a better look while she's under anesthesia.  It might be the root of the tooth, hopefully they won't have to pull it.  Anyway, very grateful my folks left me some cash before they headed out of town.

What's next?  A much needed vacation in Italy in October.  Can't wait.  I'm making it into a writing retreat. I'll bring a couple of projects to work on.  I'm not sure if the novel is coming with me but it's a possibility.

I think I've gone on long enough...

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Location Not Available Yet

I am located on the other side of the door.
You, yawn, scratch and wonder what next.
We are not sharing secrets over tea, since you remember the before-time. You knew me way back when...You talk so much I've stopped listening, that doesn't stop you from continuing your incessant chatter. I am careless with your memories. The thin rain has started to fall leaving a thin sheen over the afternoon. You plunder my thoughts with ginger-scented letters. Sugar on my tongue and madness consumes me for a spell. I am trying to put enough distance between my body and your touch, between your laughter and my want, between my words and your music. There is so little difference between us, space-wide. The glass of water had been sitting on the window ledge too long. How warm your skin tastes against my lips. The room hums with your breathing, it reminds me that I'm still alive, barely.

Astray

What does lost look like?

Having gone astray, missed the way
Not used to good purpose, opportunity/time/labor wasted
Preoccupied
Distracted/distraught

Notebooks piled on a desk
Deadlines locking down the day
Somehow we have lost our way
Sunlight breaking through cloud cover beckons
A clock against a white wall, the red hand tick~tocks along
There is a strangle hold

Scientists have created the coldest molecule (minus 273 Celsius)
Did it just get cold in here?

I missed you yesterday, across a span of words captured on the web
You missed me too, dead pixels, corrupt links and all.
With so much new technology we hold onto radio silence. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Scientists have created the coldest chemically induced molecule and injected it into my bloodstream. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Answering the Question

I've been:
packing
drinking
watching women's soccer
making endless to do lists
resisting the urge to smoke again
huddling in bed waiting for a migraine to subside
getting my nails done in metallic purple
looking for an apartment
wishing it was Friday on a hungover Monday
raising my face to the rain on a hot humid day
remembering lost friends and lovers
mental note to pick up Pandora's prescriptions, buy her food, and clean her box
wanting, wanting, wanting to sit on a beach and watch the waves crash
resisting the urge to smash glass
stealing time with my journal to write
finding it's not enough
feeling empty staring at the blank page
careless with words
careless with time
watching the future with it's gaping maw opening wide
my tongue has gone dry
the song is stuck on pause skipping over the same word...want, want, want
the list continues endlessly stretching out unfolding down the street, getting wet under the summer rain.