It’s a bright, sunny Tuesday and the blue nail polish I have on is chipping. Mental note: Take off polish tonight. This is going to be off-the-cuff entry since my brain seems to be skipping ahead of my typing fingers.
I spent a really decent weekend with my mom, sisters and nieces. Talk about a girls weekend, juice boxes and booster seats included. We met up at Union Square and shared fruits and rice cakes from the farmer’s market then caught Brave at a Saturday matinee. The movie was really sweet and the animation was amazing. Afterwards, they went off to the park for a bit of jumping about and I went off to kill some time before the dyke march. I walked around and did some window shopping and decided that Fifth Avenue shops are just too expensive for my tastes and Old Navy fashion is too cheaply made to make me part with my cash. So there you have it, my shopping habits in a nutshell. I decided lunch was a must and I needed to get out of the sun because my head began to ache. I went off to eat a couple of tacos and a migraine began to bloom even before I ate. Ergh! Migraines suck a**. I felt it coming on like a falling brick wall but I held off going home right away. I figured if I went into a cold dark theater that it would help subside the pain. So I purchased a ticket to see Prometheus (which I’ve wanted to see since it came out) but that solution did not help matters. So there I was trying to decide if I should venture back outside to grab the train and could I possibly make the hour long trip home. By this time the light sensitivity was pretty bad and I could barely watch the movie without wanting to up-chuck the tacos. *little bit of grumbling * I was bummed that I was feeling so crappy because I wanted to walk in the dyke march.
I knew I had to give up that notion and just go home. I walked out of the movie and put on my shades and found the shadiest route to the train. Ergh* I felt like a vampire avoiding the light of day. The only thing that helped me from getting sick was the high air conditioning in both theater and trains...so there you have it that was Saturday. I made it home, pulled down all the shades and try to find a cool spot to take a nap. My apartment was an oven so I just curled up on the couch in a light t-shirt and shorts and tried NOT to pray for a quick death. (Trying to be a bit better with my outward disposition. Hahaha.)
The next day, the migraine was gone. THANK GOODNESS because I didn’t want to cancel going to the beach especially on my birthday. Two cars, three nieces, two sisters and mami and we were off. The day was hot and bright and the water was icy cold. LOVED IT!! My mom took one look at my pale legs and said, “Why are you so white?!” LOL!! Maybe because I sit in a cubicle on most days or because I avoid the sun because of my migraines. Or maybe I don’t really like wearing a bathing suit as I’ve gotten older. Hehehe. Anyway, I was out there on Sunday with SPF 45 lotion to prevent me from becoming a lobster. I swam out past the throngs of people until I had enough space to tread water, float or swim. Yay! I felt like the tension that I have been holding in my shoulders was finally loosening up. The tight hamstrings were beginning to give way. We were there almost 5 hours and I spent the better part of it in the water. Yay!! I tried getting my little nieces in but there were too many tears and screams to get them past the shore. LOL!
I had a delicious time at the beach and I may just go back on Saturday. Anyway, thanks for the well wishes on my b-day. It left a wide smile on my face. The good mood had definitely lasted. By the way, my deadline for finishing my draft was never met. However, I am still working on the novel and getting a much needed push past the hard chapters. I haven’t given myself a new deadline yet but that will come soon.
P.S. I’m obsessed with listening to Ed Sheeran’s + album so I’m putting up another one of his songs here:
I found out today that my student loan payments have been reduced by half. Which means I can get some breathing room to save some money for a new computer. (By the way, thanks again for those folks who contributed to my 'puter fund, it's greatly appreciated and helped pay for repairs.) Which means that I won’t be scraping by from month to month because you know that’s always fun. Which means that getting a little tiki hut by the beach is a little closer to feasible (It's a little dream of mine...happy sigh). Talk about a quick answer from the universe after writing about just this very issue in yesterday’s post. Needless to say, I have a Cheshire cat grin today ‘cause it’s a much needed relief for this creative type who is living to write. That said I am sharing a neo-punk song from Neon Trees – “Animal.” I know it’s a couple of years old but it’s fun and reflects my upbeat mood. Peace, L~
Today is going to be a scorcher of a summer solstice day and I wish I had played hooky. It’s perfect beach weather. The water would be icy cold and I would have spent the better part of the day in the water. *sigh* I’m telling you if I didn’t have so much student loan debt, I would soooooo live near a beach, work very little, and spend my mornings writing. My body is craving to swim in the ocean. Maybe I'll go out to the beach this weekend.
Sunday is my birthday. Good god! How much do I hate birthdays…let me count the ways...hehehe. Being compared to fine wine and cheese (“getting better with age”) just makes me want to clobber someone. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who’s the person staring back at me. A teeny, tiny VAIN voice within me sometime rears its ugly head. The voice that wants to slow down the aging process, who can’t get past the strands of graying hair, who wants to be 20 again, who wants her figure back, who wants her tits to be perky again, who wants to be that force of nature to be reckoned with…that I once was many moons ago. Alas, we are past those days.
Instead, I need to stop spending so much time looking back at my yesterdays and start facing my days to come. My new tomorrows. The prospect of some day soon finishing my very first novel. Enjoying new music and new friendships. Remembering I have a whole life ahead of me still yet to live. And that my life is far from over. On this bright and shiny solstice day I am feeling hopeful.
[Updated] So Justin Nozuka has a great smooth vibe and I listen to him more and more these days. You can't go wrong with a little talent. Wanted to share one of his songs to add a little flava to this entry
My sister Vicky completed her very first sprint triathlon this weekend at the Long Island Gold Coast Triathlon in North Hempstead Park. I am so proud I could burst. She completed a half mile swim in open water, a 9.8 mile bike trek, and a 3 mile run. First in her division, this was her very first competitive triathlon ever. Vick has been training hard for the past four months and there were a few times when she wanted to chuck it in and quit but she persevered and finished well. In the last leg during her run, she hit a hill with a steep incline and after the swim and the biking she felt like she had very little left in the tank. But then the thought that kept her going was that our little cousin Brandon (who passed away recently) would never be able to do this and she dug in and kept running. Her official time was 1 hour and 24 minutes!! Most of the family was there to cheer her on as she crossed the finish line. Hoorah!! I’d put up pics but she hasn’t given me permission to put any up quite yet. I’ll just have to wear her down.
Okay, this dude is blowing up all over the place. Sheehan's got a cool vibe, so take a listen and see if you like what you hear. His album "+" came out sometime last year but I came across it looking for some music to help me out of my funk. His sound totally lifted my spirits. I know this is the long version of the actual song but I love it!! And you know what I'm like with guitar players. He's got three more videos on The Warner Sound on YouTube: "Lego House", "The A Team" and "Give Me Love." They are all softer sounds and a bit mushy...I went for the upbeat side of his music. Check him out!! Boo-Yah!!
I woke up sideways today, that is too say my perspective is skewed and morose. It’s a dark, overcast day and it’s supposed to start raining any minute. Perhaps, I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up to a strange sound in my apartment. As if a swarm of locusts had invaded the living room. Or the sound of bat wings flapping against the living room walls. I might have been dreaming but it woke me straight up out of bed and I could feel a cold fear in the pit of my stomach as I went out into the living room to check. I was actually surprise when there was nothing there other than my cat Pandora sprawled out on the table. After I removed her from the table, I went back to bed and listened to the sounds of fire engines race down the street outside my window for ten minutes. *sigh * It was well after 1:30 before I finally went to sleep only to be woken up by my cat knocking the remote control off my desk and breaking it into a dozen pieces as it hit the wood floor at 5:30 in the morning. I should’ve just stayed up. Anyway, I’m in a rotten mood and despite the strong coffee I’ve had, I’ve been trying to wake up while I listen to Mozart’s opera, Don Giovianni. Dramatic much?
Anyway, I found out yesterday that I didn’t get a writing grant that I tried out for, Ergh! Chalk up another rejection letter. It would have been a substantial amount, one I could have used to allow me some time to write without having to work full time. It’s disheartening to say the least. Intellectually, I know the odds were not in my favor, I was one in 4,000+ applicants. There are folks more established, with more of a track record, hell…with more talent. Every time I get a rejection letter I just grumble and pace in front of my computer. It reminds me of that line in Brokeback Mountain, “I wish I could quit you.” Very dramatic I know. And to be clear, I don’t want to quit because of the rejection letter. I think it just brings up all my old insecurities and they flutter around me, spiral me away from the work. The work that I’ve needed to reconstruct after losing my hard drive two weeks ago. I know its par for the course but damn it to hell I really wish that hadn’t happened. I’m being abstract but not on purpose. The self-doubts double in size on days like this. I begin to question the work and how good or bad it is and whether or not I should be doing it at all. Even as I write this…I’m bubbling up with emotions because there is nothing else I’d rather be doing. But it’s so far from finished. In the two years since I’ve started working on this novel, there are other writers who have written two and three full-length novels. It’s not a race…it’s not a race…it’s not a race. But the hungry, ambitious part of me wants this project to be done so I can start on the next one.
So now I am sitting at my desk, my palms pressing into my eyeballs, trying to stop the self-pity from taking center stage. I’m frustrated. I know I promised not to whinge on this blog and for the most part, I do my best to keep a lot of this out but today is the exception to the rule. I’m on edge and I just need to rattle this out in hopes of getting back on track afterwards. I am going to spend the afternoon writing maybe, just maybe, this feeling will pass.
It's been a long, drawn-out, emotional week and I feel like I've been turned inside out. Brandon's wake was on Wednesday night and they buried him Thursday morning. The family had made posters with hundreds of pics of him at various stages of his young life. The moment when David and Lewis (his brothers) read from two of his favorite books, I lost it. So did most of the people who came to the service. It was a grand affair with hundreds of people paying their last respects. The community had turned out in droves. There have been many articles and many school and community fundraisers in his honor throughout the year and a half he was battling his cancer. I won't pretend to understand what it's like to lose a child but the loss of my little cousin has had a ripple effect across this family and his community.
If no one’s listening in
I’d like to pull apart the core of you
and squeeze myself back in
and if we can’t make friends
then I will live my life in servitude
and you can watch me give
I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire
Stamp your heels for autumn
‘cause you ought to live your memories
and void and erase the page
and as my cells expand in me
[and shakes the secrecies and sneaks me in]
now I can see
I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire
Every week I wait for you
to bring me home
or break my back
or string me thru the noose
The burning tree and strongest hand
the soil of the earth
depends that I die eternally
I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire
**please note any lyrics in brackets are my best guess. So I may be completely off despite listening to this song non-stop today.
[2/28/15-I gave a fresh listen to this song this morning and changed the lyrics accordingly. Love to listen to this song back-to-back multiple times. Sweet!]
Today I’m doing what I do best whenever I’m feeling very emotional, I’ve been listening to music in that neurotic, obsessive way that I do. Ged put this link out on FB and I’ve been listening to this song over and over again ever since. So thank you Ged for putting up this link to this song, it totally rocks! I tried figuring out the lyrics as best as I could so I may totally be off with some of it. Anyway, it’s a great song and definitely an East Coast indie band that I will check out live the next time they play in NYC.
Let’s see my weekend went something like this.
Friday morning I woke up with a splitting migraine. It was so bad that the small bit of light that streamed through my window caused actual physical pain. The waves of nausea kept me home bound. I called in sick and went back to bed where I hovered under my duvet praying to God to strike me dead once and for all and just get it over and done with. Yes, it was one of my finer self-pitying moments. Around 3 in the afternoon the worst parts of my symptoms finally subsided and I was able to get down a strong cup of tea and some toast without causing upheaval. After a cool shower, I decided to check my e-mail and spend some time writing. As I was pulling up my documents, it struck me that I hadn’t backed up my laptop in about a month and was just taking out my backup drive when my laptop froze. I didn’t think much of it, I just shut it down and started it back up again. Then tragedy struck, it opened up to a folder with a question mark on it, for those without a Mac, it meant that my hard drive was corrupted. That’s right folks, I lost yet another hard drive. It’s been almost two years to the day that I replaced my last hard drive. I tried starting it up with my OS X disks only to discover that it wouldn’t even load up. Double damn!! I had a good talking to myself...it went something like this-- “self, you are not going to break down. Pull it together, you are not allowed to fall apart over this.” I took a deep breath and sat at my dining room table and worked on a puzzle to get my mind focused elsewhere.
When my sister came home, she rallied me to write up a quick note on facebook to friends and family asking for a donation to help me buy a new computer for my birthday. I know I should do this kind of thing more often but a part of me “ego/pride” always gets in my way. Anyway, I did it and received a few donations.
I took my laptop to the genius bar to get an estimate on how much it would cost to get it fixed. I was expecting worst case scenario. Instead, I got a cute techie grrl giving me a feasible estimate which included cost of parts and labor....then she knocked off labor. Seriously! I was grateful for the break ‘cause this is rent week which means I’m pretty much skint. So the donations allowed me to cover some of the cost for a new hard drive. So thank you to my supporters and for cute techie grrl at the Apple store.
So let’s see I a lost a month’s work of writing. Grrr.
Another hard drive...double grrr.
And then ten minutes ago, my mother called me to tell me that my 9-year old cousin Brandon had passed away. He had been fighting brain cancer for the past year and a half. It stopped me in my tracks, the same way a ton of bricks always do. Then my grumblings about migraines and crashed hard drives felt small by comparison. In some ways, I know one thing has nothing to do with the other but I guess this is how things unfold, in these messy heaps of happenings. My condolences go out to my cousin Alphonso and his family.
I write and I paint. Then I try to articulate some coherent thoughts about the creative process on this blog. In between those moments of producing work, I take photos, listen to groovy music, watch indie movies, read (alot), go hear live music (preferably someone that rocks), go to the theater to see a new play from time to time, watch sci-fi movies, and continue to cultivate my curiosity. Then I write about that too.