7:31 pm

the day is hot. sunlight pinpricks my skin walking up a hill.
a warm wind sweeps down, a caress, a kiss and i've missed you
again. humming beneath my breath to alicia key's in common
song reminds me of what we had in the swing of a drum beat.
tree branches move slowly reaching outward, the sky is quiet
thin heat drying out the cavern where a heart once beat softly.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:08 pm

this week flew by. it didn't help that i came down with another migraine mid-week. stress-related. how do i know? a sty is growing in my left eye at the moment. a sure sign of stress. i'm listening to cats fighting in the backyard hissing and screeching at each other. every one seems to be stressed out lately.  i want to take cover.  hide. stick my head in sand. disappear.  yet here i am writing this missive tonight so i must be lying. we are all liars. trying to fit. square peg/round hole. trying to smooth our edges. hide our anger. trying to play nice. i'm tired tonight. fireworks are going off somewhere in the neighborhood. it poured earlier. like a lot. thunder storm rain. tornado warnings for nyc until 10 pm. if i could put my head down on my table i'm sure i'd fall asleep. i am restless. creative hunger lingers. i burned my back and it's only now starting to itch. the smell of smoke wafts thru my open window.  i got a couple of poems published in Downtown Brooklyn, Issue #25. the weekend is upon us. my apt is clean and my mug empty of tea. now to actually sit down and write...


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

8:44 pm

i spent time at the beach today.  waves crashing onto the shore is one of my favorite sounds. a lazy swim in the ocean felt yummy. i spent time with my nieces and my sister and it was fun, even when they were driving me bat s**t crazy. exactly what i needed. it's the first long weekend in a long time, a chance to unwind, decompress. a little burned on my back, next time i'll ask my sister, not my niece to apply sunscreen on my back. i read for pleasure and listened to frank sinatra songs coming from a neighbor's radio. tomorrow is another day of work but it'll be a little easier to face.

peace,
l~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

11:05 pm

it was a gorgeous day. after spending most of the day indoors yesterday it was amazing to go to the beach today.  only for a couple of hours.  the water was cold.  the waves and wind were strong.  the sun bright.  i chatted with my sister ces, catching up with her. it's been awhile since we've spent time. too much work.  too much time away.  we rattled on and it felt good.  sand between my toes.  salt water in my hair.  sun on my skin, warming my bones. yum. my head is clear. i can face another day.

peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Brain Rumblings

My brain is on fire.  I have a migraine that won't let up.  It has been intense the last two days and in the worst moments I feel like I'm coming apart.  Ripping at the seams.  I am functioning enough to get through my day job but there is nothing left over by the time I get home.  Hollowed out.  Think pumpkin-seed entrails. What the hell is bringing this on?  Stress?  Probably but when isn't life stressful. I am unable to string together enough coherent thoughts together.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:03 am

Last night I dreamt about vampires and succubi having a night of awakening where they changed into their true nature and the rest of the world would be their playing field. At morning light, no one but the changelings would remember.  It was a dark dream full of sinister desires.

Jumping thoughts...
A show host asked some actors (tv & theater), "which do you prefer, making money or doing theater?"  It made me laugh out loud because it's so true.  You do theater for the love of it. I miss it.  It's been years since I've worked on a theater project. I have skeletons of plays in my file cabinet...it's time to bring them back out into the light and flesh them out.

I remember skimming thru a short quick piece I had written long ago and I had a moment of "when did I write this?" It had been so long since I had seen that 10 minute play that I thought it belonged to someone else because I didn't remember every writing the words that were on the page.  Yes, it belonged to me, my name was on every page. Good lord the making of a mad woman.  I've gone on long enough, I need a shower and some breakfast to face my day.

Peace,

Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

7:23 pm

It's been a long hectic week and I'm sitting in my living room listening to James Bay sing Let It Go. It's a gorgeous evening and a soft warm breeze is coming in through my window.  I just got back from doing laundry, folding/putting away clothes and now I'm taking a small break enjoying sitting here, writing this entry.  I'm trying to decide between leftovers and take out.  My veggie soup may win out by sheer proximity.

I was writing in my journal earlier about possibly wanting to stay in this apartment another year and then a slew of complaints came raging out.  I changed my mind very quickly. So there you have it, I just need to man-up and find a new place. Bah!

I've been to see a few of the early blockbuster superhero movies and to be honest I'm quite bored by them all so far.  I hear fanboys/grrls gasping in dismay for that statement but the story lines are quite tired and played out. The exception is Deadpool, of course, mostly for all the 80s references and superhero in-jokes. I think it's time to break out and see some of the indie films to get a dose of substance over flash and cgi effects. One last point on the subject-Ben Affleck as Batman?!! Come on!! What genius made that decision?

Oooo, I forgot to mention...I went to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway last week.  I've wanted to see this musical for so long that I may have been anticipating more from it.  Despite my sister and her husband telling me about it, I don't know *shrug* it was just okay for me.  Again it goes back to story arc, music was decent and some parts funny but again...I think wanted more.  Story of my life.

A stray tabby is stalking a bird outside my window...they totally took me out of my thoughts over musicals.  There is a slew of stray cats living in the backyard of this area.  One day this week I was sitting up against the corner of my couch and there were 5 cats sitting on my fire escape watching me.

It reminded me about this story...apologies if I've written about it before...but growing up I thought I had cats for pets. I mean I really thought that when I was in kindergarden/first grade I had a slew of cats.  I asked my mom to verify this fact sometime last year and she told me that I never had cats.  I was really shocked because I remember the smell of them and also being frightened over one that swiped at me.  It turns out I used to feed the stray cats near the building I grew up in so they would turn up when I would get back from school.  My poor dad, being the super to that building, found out pretty quickly and had to collect all those cats and take them somewhere else.  Where? I couldn't tell you but I remember being totally devastated over losing all my "pets."  A cat lady in the making. Haha.  I miss my Pandora but I think one cat was all the room I had for in my life, despite my captive audience outside my window.

I think that's all I have for tonight.

Best,

Lily


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

eight years

I've been writing on my itty bitty blog, on and off, for the past eight years. I'm sitting here in my living room with my laptop on my lap as I let the thoughts rise.  I'm writing blindly.  Not really sure what I want to share or where we're going today.

I've been busy working. The day job consumes a lot of my brain and time.  It's becoming a career and the creative life has been suffering quite a bit for it. Trying to find a bit of balance but trying and doing are sometimes miles apart.

Meanwhile, my laptop is dying a slow death.  I'm thinking once it dies, I may just unplug for a while. Maybe buy myself a decent typewriter and go old-school. I'm shrugging. I haven't quite figured it out yet.

I'm also moving in a couple of months, yet again.  I am not looking forward to the prospect of looking for a new place.  I am really tired of moving.  The one beautiful thing about my current space is the light that comes through in the afternoon.  I'll miss that...but depending on where I move next...I can always chase afternoon light by taking long walks.

I miss my creative life.  I need more time for it.  I was writing during breaks and back and forth from work but it's just not enough.  I sometimes have fantasies of running away from my life, go off and write somewhere. I just haven't figured it out yet.  I still haven't even transcribed my writing from last year...I have all this material from my Sorrento trip that I still haven't pulled apart and revised.  Eesh.

Ooo the thought popped into my brain to go up to Burlington, Vermont for a writing retreat.  I really just want to go off by myself for a long weekend and write.  * sigh *  I may have to wait until after my move in July.  Really, I should just write where I am.  I don't need to go off to do this work.

I need to call the shots.  I'm being too passive in this thing called my life.  I have work to do and I'm spending too much time waiting for something to cue me into action.

Okay, I've gone on long enough.  It's time for me to go to bed.  I've been sick with a crazy head cold this weekend and I'm ready to pass out.

Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Indigo is not dead

I broke out Indigo again...I made up my mind to finish this project. I feel completely lost with it but I'm just going to take it one chapter at a time until I flesh out the story.  I was reading the first couple of chapters from an earlier version of it and I always loved the initial impulse.  I think I lost my way because I tended to listen to my writing group's suggestions instead of following my own path with the project.  I almost want to scrap the last version and start from the very beginning.  I did re-read some feedback from one of my readers, Ric, because I knew he read/understood the science fiction component which also went away with all the new revisions.  His feedback made me laugh out loud in the middle of a train because it was so on-point with what I was trying to achieve initially. Anyway, this story will be held close to the vest until the novel is in final form.  I just need to remember to trust my instincts and see where the story/the characters take me on this journey. If they are willing to talk to me again.  I may have severed that link but I'll give it another go and see what happens.
I'm also rethinking the title. I was walking around Barnes and Noble at Union Square today. God, I really love being in a bookstore, its really one of my happy places.  Anyway, I was skimming titles and there are too many titles out there with Indigo in the title. I'm sure I can find something else to replace it...I'll do that last, once i'm finished this project.

Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Cobwebs

I've been sick with a bad cold this past weekend. It started last week and has lingered on and on.  I've been curled up on my couch and I've drunk copious amounts of tea and vitamin water. I watched a foreign film that was both heartbreaking and beautiful called The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012). The beauty came from the bluegrass music and even moments when the couple was first starting to fall in love. Their relationship is tested when their daughter falls ill.  The story is not told in chronological order which makes it wonderful.

I sometimes miss my old life. Even though it was stressful going from one gig to another. I miss not being invested in the day job. There is freedom in not taking work home with you.  I've been having difficulty connecting to the writing and I think I'm blaming it on the day job. Too much of my brain space is being taken up by it. I never wanted to turn into a mediocre writer who writes as a "hobby". Even the very sound of that word makes me want to hurl. But every year I find myself just a little bit farther away from what matters to me.  Makes me sad. Yes, I can turn back to it and make time. Get up at 5 am and begin again.  It's possible. After all, I'm not dead yet. I am listening to the rain hit against my window pane and I feel time slipping away. I am blaming this cold for the melancholy that seems to have taken hold of me.

Tomorrow the day will be bright and crisp and I will take a long walk to clear the cobwebs.  Here's to a bright morning.

Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Musings

Someone asked me recently, "What's it all for?"  He was talking about the larger narrative.  About life.  About being human in this world.  What kind of answer could I have mustered to satisfy that question? I looked at the bottom of my whiskey glass for a reply.  My hands flitted around like lost birds trying to catch an answer.  But really, how the heck should I know?  I'm trying to figure this out for myself too. I am trying to figure out how to fit time for my writing and creative endeavors while holding down a full time job with all it's machinations and office politics while also dealing with my crazy family.  My hands give me away as I clasp on tightly to my calm exterior, the cracks are showing on the thin veneer. I am trying to create quiet spaces for myself so I can watch the sunrise or sunset, trying to remember to breathe deeply. Feeling it when love surrounds me but also feeling the edges of a lonely soul. Aching to be closer to the ideal life, whatever that might look like. I crave a quietness that stems from the soul.  Someone that's satisfied with who I am in this moment, instead of always feeling like I'm falling short from being a better person.  There is so much to be done and we are wasting time not doing much.  I am cat-sitting in Chelsea, keeping Otis and Tessa stocked up on munchies, water and catnip. Nice space with mewling kitties in the background. Must run, working on some poetry.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Ben Howard at Radio City Music Hall

I went to see Ben Howard perform at Radio City Music Hall on Monday night. I am writing this post at 12:30 am because I am too wired to sleep. I needed this big dose of live music.  Howard's opening act was a group called Daughter.  I am posting an audio by them from YouTube for a quick listen.  This group is fantastic live and the lyrics are quite beautiful.  I may just download their album because I enjoyed them so much.  Let's see where we are after I write this entry.  

Back to Ben Howard.  First let's talk about the music.  He's a gorgeous musician.  I am not talking physical attributes here, I am talking about his complete presence in his creative expression of music.  His band rocked it out tonight.  I've seen him live when he performed in Central Park last year (or was it 2 years ago?) and that night the mood was a lot more low key. To see him perform with a bit more up tempo made the place blaze up in a glorious fire of sound.  Ben Howard is fantastic live. I couldn't stop moving and they (Ben Howard and his band) were jamming up there and a three minute studio song would be a 12 minute overture with guitar riffs...and it was at times a bit chaotic but he'd bring it back to the essential rhythm/chorus of the song.  Fantastic, fantastic listening to them play.

On a personal note, I've been having a hard time of late.  I've been sick with a bad cold and still grieving over Pandora... but it was really great to find this experience so enjoyable.  I just thought my grumpy mood would really prevent me from being able to take in the music but it lit an ember inside my belly.  I felt real joy as the songs washed over me.  It soothed me in a way that I wasn't quite expecting...for that I am very grateful.  :-)

Anyway, my one itsy complaint was the trippy light effects and videos playing in the background.  At times both were so disconcerting, I wanted to throw up.  I think it was hitting that migraine nerve and I had to keep closing my eyes, which was fine...I was still able to enjoy the music. I don't know if the light cues were along with the band or if it was a site decision but I gotta tell you in this case, less would have worked better.  

I've picked below a YouTube video of a solo studio session with Ben Howard.  It's so quiet but so beautiful.  The song is called I Forget Where We Are.   Enjoy, L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Pandora

Last week, Pandora passed away. She was 16.5 years old. Today I'm super sad.  She was a good kitty who kept me company when I wrote and who needed her belly rubbed before she settled down for a nap.  She kept me company and sane for the past 13.5 years.  I can't begin to tell you how much I will miss her.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Having a Moment

I'm exhausted. I just need a break.  I picked Pandora up from the vet tonight after work.  They had to pull quite a number of teeth. I came home with a ziplock bag of them.  She's grumbly and growly on my bed, high on pain medication.  Bless.  She will be out of commission for a couple of days but I hope by next week she'll be back to her old self. I keep taking breaks to check on her.

I need a vacation. Eyes on the prize...October can't come fast enough.  Day job doesn't seem to letting up either.  Not griping about work. It is what it is.  I just need to slow down and breathe.

On that note, I'm going to curl up and read for a little while.

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Gone Long Enough

I've been neglecting the blog.  I know.  There is just too much happening in my life and sitting for a spell to get some of it down...well let's just say that it's easier said than done.

Big life stuff happening.

My folks sold their house in Brooklyn and left NYC to start a new chapter in Texas.  Don't ask me why.  Me and my sisters are still scratching our heads over that one but we are happy they have the resources to be able to figure that out. It's been an emotional time, seeing our childhood home sold, helping my parents sort and pack 40 years worth of stuff,  etc, etc. My mom still tears up on the phone when I talk to her.  Let's just say that change is never easy for my family.

I've moved from Windsor Terrace to Sunset Park.  I need to take advantage of the park nearby but I seem to still be in the process of figuring out where everything goes in my apartment.  After a month of being here...I think I have finally scrubbed the last of the grime that was leftover from the previous tenant. My raw hands can attest to the cleaning frenzy I've been in.

The writing is still going.  I uploaded my short story Clara Betta on here after I received another rejection.  I gotta be honest, I took that one hard.  Instead of thinking of it as just another no, I took it on as "my work is just not good enough".  It played into this very deep insecurity I have about my writing and thought...I may as well just put it up on my blog.  I'd rather an audience read and see what I do instead of trying to find a place for it in this myriad of online sites. Is it my best work?  Probably not.  It's something tho' and I'm just going to keep going...hopefully the writing will get better.

I've been working on a short play called Elena.  I've sent it off to a short play festival. Let's see if I get a bite.  It's a fairly new piece and it's already gone through several rewrites, thanks to my writing partner Christine.

It's funny I was coming down hard on myself recently because I felt like I wasn't writing enough.  And I realized that I've been journal writing, doing some loose stream-of-consciousness writing for story ideas as well working on some short projects.  I really need to loosen the crazy tyrant in my head that convinces me that I haven't been doing the work.  When quite frankly all I seem to be doing lately is work.  Both in my day job as well as my writing life.  In fact, one of the first things I enjoyed in my new apartment was making myself a strong cup of tea and working quietly for several hours without interruption.  That was like sweet nectar for the soul.  The last cheesy line can attest to how much I loved it.

Anyway, I spent the better part of Saturday at the Vet.  Poor Pandora was bleeding profusely from her mouth.  There was blood all over my duvet and the bleeding wouldn't stop.  I spent 7 hours waiting... every time the vet came out to talk to me she was giving me worst case scenarios. First she thought P may have gotten into some rat poison and she might be in the throes of liver failure after one of her blood test showed that her blood wasn't clotting.  Then they ran the test again and her blood was fine. Eesh.  I sat in the waiting room reading a book.  I wanted to distract myself from the possibility of losing her. Pandora will be 17 years old at the end of the year, she's been with me for the past 14 years.  It's crazy to fathom life without her at this point.  I know death is inevitable but I guess I'm not quite ready to face that reality.

At the end of that long day, the bleeding had stopped, they still don't know what's wrong, and I have to bring her back for a dental appointment so they can take a better look while she's under anesthesia.  It might be the root of the tooth, hopefully they won't have to pull it.  Anyway, very grateful my folks left me some cash before they headed out of town.

What's next?  A much needed vacation in Italy in October.  Can't wait.  I'm making it into a writing retreat. I'll bring a couple of projects to work on.  I'm not sure if the novel is coming with me but it's a possibility.

I think I've gone on long enough...

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Lovely Day

What a lovely day.  It's now 11:11 pm and today was my birthday.  I usually really hate celebrating it but today I decided to treat myself.  First, I took the day off from work, very important part to this tale.  Just needed a couple of days to decompress...it's my first vacation time since the year started.  In the morning I had a bit of spa day with a facial.  The scent of pineapple and papaya enzyme wash was yummy. As was the quiet and the ambient music that played softly in the room. Afterwards I went back home and treated myself to a lox and cream cheese bagel with capers...it was decadent and I enjoyed every bite then again by 1 in the afternoon it was the first meal of my day.  The sun was out and there was this warm wind that caressed my skin while walking through Bryant Park.  I've been reading a couple of novels one sci-fi, one fiction piece with no nutritional value.  I spent time enjoying reading for pleasure.  I took a little siesta around 3:30 pm and woke up to my mother cooking one my favorite things...lengua in a spicy sauce.  Yummy.  She can't stand neither the sight nor the taste of it but she made a batch just for me. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Texas.  * sigh * Anyway delicious tacos for dinner.  And then off to look at an apartment.  I loved the fact that it was an L-shaped studio but hated everything else.  Ergh.  So I passed on that apartment.  Off to find something else.  The disappointment in not liking the apartment spurred me on to go see my co-worker and his band play at the Cake Shop on Ludlow.  Now that was fun, live music, hanging out drinking hard cider, chatting with musicians and artists afterwards...you just can't go wrong with a big dose of creative energy.  One of their songs to check out:


I enjoyed myself immensely and scooted out of there before I turned into a pumpkin.  No, really, there is always a point in the evening where i get over-familiar and I start to say too much, the liquid courage kicks in....I felt myself start to hit that point by the time they were ready to grab some food.  It was time for me to go home, my limbs were loose and the walk to my house and the warm windy night was the perfect way to end it.  I just needed some quiet to regain my composure and revel in the present moment.  As I write this entry, I am listening to Tori Amos and it's perfect for the gentle mood I'm in.  Tomorrow, my family is treating me to dinner in the city.  I feel blessed from all the affection from both family and friends.  I am letting it in, for a change.  :-)

What else do I have in mind for the rest of the week?  I think I'm going to play it by ear.  I really want the chance to allow myself some down time. I do know there are a few things that I need to take care of (apartment hunting for one) but I'm not worried about it.  I trust that the right apartment will come my way when it's time. In the meantime, I want to allow myself time to write...whoosh.... I just felt the shiver from the excitement at the prospect of writing.  Did you feel it?

That's really all I have for tonight. It's time to turn in and dream up a writer's life.

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Sunday Solstice

I am very grateful for a sweet co-worker who sent me the following Neil Gaiman link. I've been struggling with my writing and my place in the world because of it.  Gaiman's words were soul-nourishing.  I don't say this lightly, I felt myself tearing up as I read his words. The fact that this co-worker sent me Gaiman related writing and it hit so close to home...well let's just say it leaves me a bit lost for words. I want to write more but it won't capture the depth of gratitude I feel at the moment.  Anyway, Friday I felt really lucky to be alive.

Anyway, today I spent the day taking care of laundry and packing whatever I can. I don't have too much left to pack.  Mostly clothes, toiletries, odds and ends. I could probably pack up the rest in a couple of hours.  Now all I have to do is land an apartment. I am grateful for the apartment coming my way.  It's been awhile since I've had a place all to myself...it's gonna be good no matter where I end up!!  * big cheesy smile *

Is there more?  Probably but I've written the most important parts down for now.
Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Midnight Entry

It's a quarter to midnight and I can't sleep. I am feeling antsy. Actually, I've been antsy for weeks and I didn't know why.  It finally hit me...at the beginning of the year I had given myself a deadline to fully revise my novel by my birthday.  Next week is my birthday and I am NO WHERE with this freakin' novel. I am ready to throw in the towel burn it and call it quits on this project despite the fact that scenes still play in the back of my brain.  My manuscript and it's many many revisions are sitting on a shelf over my desk collecting dust.  Even now I  can see it in my peripheral vision while I write this entry. The reality is I don't know what to do with it.  I don't know how to enter the piece any more, how I would go about making changes, or what's it all for really.  I've lost my initial impulse, that loving feeling, that je ne se quoi.  It feels like damaged goods and I'm not really sure I can salvage the damn thing. Makes me sit at my computer and sigh...loudly.  The defeatist attitude is doing more harm than good.
Of course, it doesn't help that I spent the last two days reading about the success of a young writer recently.  I am NOT comparing myself to her...I'm really not...I can tell you don't believe me but I'm not (I say this in a very high-pitched whiny voice, even in my head)  Setting aside this young woman's success...I acknowledge that I'm published and I've produced work on different platforms. Those before projects are still real.  The fact that my new projects are "meh" at best and not very innovative makes me doubt myself and my abilities.  I know this is usually the time when it happens, right now, around my birthday.  I do this self-assessment of what am I working on, what am I excited about with my creative projects and really the only thing that I've worked on is my little Clara Betta (short story) that basically got rejected from ONE publication and I want to quit, throw in the towel, call in for a substitute, stick my head in the sand and wait for the dismay to subside.
I am VERY aware of the clock ticking to try to get as much work done before I die.  Seriously, I could walk off the sidewalk and die of an aneurysm in the middle of the street tomorrow.  Yes, I know this is morbid...I'm Mexican, bear with me here...the point is I don't know when my last day will be but I want the writing to get better, the writing to find an audience, my work to be out in the world. * deep breath* You get my point. So the past week, I've been writing poetry.  I always go back to my first love.  I know I'm rusty, it's been some time since I've written passages but again bear with me as I work through this creative phase.

Best,

Lily


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Astray

What does lost look like?

Having gone astray, missed the way
Not used to good purpose, opportunity/time/labor wasted
Preoccupied
Distracted/distraught

Notebooks piled on a desk
Deadlines locking down the day
Somehow we have lost our way
Sunlight breaking through cloud cover beckons
A clock against a white wall, the red hand tick~tocks along
There is a strangle hold

Scientists have created the coldest molecule (minus 273 Celsius)
Did it just get cold in here?

I missed you yesterday, across a span of words captured on the web
You missed me too, dead pixels, corrupt links and all.
With so much new technology we hold onto radio silence. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Scientists have created the coldest chemically induced molecule and injected it into my bloodstream. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Reluctant Writer

May was a very busy month with my sister's wedding and it looks like June will be just as crazy.  Lots of big life upheavals are happening. My folks finally put our house up on the market and we've gone through an Open House this Sunday past. Looks like we have quite the interest going for the property but that also means I need to find an apartment, like pronto.  *sigh * Another move. Again. If I think about it too long I just want to bury my head in the sand * ostrich maneuver. *

A myriad of emotions are coming up for me because I grew up in this house.  I had some crazy notion that I was going to be able to buy this house some day but that's far from reality.  I'm trying to come to terms with that reality. Quite frankly, it's too expensive for me to upkeep anyway.  Hmph.

I haven't been able to write.  I write bits and pieces of things but nothing is gelling yet.  I'm not giving myself space and quiet to let something take hold.  Which is frustrating. I continue to journal in hopes that the act of writing out what's going on in this head will make some room for the creative stuff to come through.  But really the trouble is I'm quite blank.  A bit exhausted to be quite honest. I am turned off, tuned out, disconnected from that inner voice.  Writer's Block: When the voices in your head stop talking.  Yep, that's what's happening right now.  Double Hmph.

I've been reading. A LOT.  One of the few things I still get pleasure from and I can lose myself in the writing.  I've tried to write a blog or two on the books I've been reading but it's been hard to keep up since I seem to be devouring titles at the moment.  I finally finished Kathy Koja's Mercury Waltz.  It was quite the feat to finish that one. Despite the fact that Koja is one my favorite writers...this was by far the hardest book for me to read and follow.  It took me two-thirds way through the novel to finally understand what she was doing, jumping from scene to scene.  I may have to read it again some day but for now it's my least favorite book in her collection.

What else? I received my rejection letter from Carve magazine for my short story, Clara Betta.  I turned it around, worked for two solid days revising the piece and sent the story into a contest.  I had to whittle it down from 8,800 words down to 6,000 words.  It was no easy feat but I managed to get the word count down. I feels like I may have whittled it down too close to the bone but I had C. read the piece to make sure I didn't damage the story too much. With her thumbs up, I sent it out again.  Afterwards, drinks to soothe the sting of rejection. I'm going to keep sending it out to see if I can land it somewhere.  The other option is to put it up in my itty-bitty blog in two-parts.  Hmm.  At the end of the day, I just want folks to read my writing.

I've also seen a few films: Ex-Machina, Gemma Bovery, Far from the Madding Crowd.  All decent flicks.  My favorite of the three was the French film Gemma Bovery.  It was far funnier than I imagined. A film by Anne Fontaine.  The lead actress Gemma Arterton was perfect for this role.  

Yep, so this what I do when I don't write...
That's all I have for now.  
Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.