an unanswered call

I used to be better about keeping up with this web log. Lately, it's been relegated to the bottom of my to-do list...you remember, that same list that I was going to tear up. Part of it has been my day job has been keeping me busy so the last thing I want to do at night is get on a computer. Another part of it has been this blog was always supposed to be about the creative process, yes some personal tidbits would fall in but for the most part it was about creativity.  Since I have NOT been working creatively, well let's just say I have less to write about.

I have been actively reading...I just finished The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. It was an interesting read because she told her story in a matter-of-fact way. Her background as a reporter helped create some distance so that her story never felt self-pitying. And there was a couple of heartbreaking moments that resonated long after I closed the book. Well worth the read. 

I haven't started reading a new book yet. I have quite a few of them piled up by my bedside. My brain won't turn off long enough to take on a new book. The grey matter has been beating down my door trying to get me to work on something of my own. And for some reason, I keep ignoring the call. It reminds me of this fact: "the universe will throw pebbles to get your attention, and if you don't answer the call it will throw rocks, and if you don't answer the call it will throw bricks, etc, etc."  Where is that from? Probably Oprah. Well the whole damn sky is about to rip open and I'm still navel gazing, pulling the old ostrich maneuver, unable to muster a good god damn to make anything happen. Why?

There is no good reason, only lame excuses and why bore you with those. My muse is dancing on the sidelines asking me to come play and I am picking at the peeling wallpaper replying, "I don't wanna." Bah! Even I get a bit impatient with myself. 
Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

080117 16:36:00

I'm in a sulky mood today and I've had too much caffeine. Which makes me want to throw a temper tantrum. You know the kind where you throw yourself on the floor, kicking and screaming. Is it over a specific reason?  Not necessarily.  Just feeling frustrated down to my bones.  I am overworked and on slow days like today I have a difficult time standing still.

I went onto Goodreads, which is a great resource when looking for decent book recommendations, and I read a number of excerpts and story arc blurbs...bah! And I saw the long list of titles by an author or two and think to myself, "where do they find the time?" Good lord, I've been working on Indigo for 7 years...and I'm ready to throw the whole project into a shredder. * head in hands *

Note to self: do not drink iced coffee after 3 pm EVER. I feel like a LIVE WIRE! I don't usually drink coffee but someone showed me how to use the espresso machine...so I made myself an iced coffee with a shot of espresso. Now my face feels like it's going to crack off.

I'm currently reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. The writing is strong so I'm enjoying this memoire. I know it's supposed to come out in movie form soon but I think I'll skip the movie.


All for now,
L~



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

pointy knives

i spent the evening writing. a shoddy paragraph and a healthy journal entry. i've needed some downtime to bitch and whine on the page. i can feel my patience waning lately. i've spent a lot of time giving of myself and not doing enough to replenish my spirit. my muse is sulky and in quite a mood so i am doing my best to give her a chance (and some much needed space) to throw her temper tantrum. after a couple of hours she's finally subdued in the corner. still sulking but at least no longer coming at me with daggers. her knives are pointy. in the meantime, i've been listening to ben howard, city and colour, pearl & the beard, james bay, bon iver, the lumineers and daughter to keep me company while i try to extrapolate some coherent thoughts onto the page. i think i'm done for the night tho'. squeezed dry. tomorrow i will try for another shitty first draft.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:09 pm

woke up on the other side of okay.
tiny orchid on a ledge, burnt leaves
and dried roots. warm air skims in
lazy circles leaving me drowsy.
storm clouds gather in the distance.
she howls into a mic diving into a fall.
firecrackers echo in the streets.
a soul burning with wildfire
as the night sky lights up.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

mediocrity

i never wanted an ordinary life. i wanted more. i hungered for more. the problem with more is that what i have, at any given moment, is never enough. a face reflected in a window. i thought it was ambition, striving to be better than common mediocrity. perhaps it's just snobbery. perhaps i think i am better than...but that's a lie. sitting under the living room fan listening to city and colour play in the background, i am hungry. not for food. for more. i feel it down to the bones in my jaw. an ache. a void so deep it makes me wince...it creates a sharp pain that reminds me that what i'm doing is not enough. heat does not mix well with bone-crushing disappointment in one self.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Let It Matter - Johnnyswim

It's Thursday, right before a holiday weekend. I'm taking several days off from the day job. I'm in a weird mood. Anxious. Restless. Wanting...something. The sky outside is filled with heavy clouds and it looks like it will thunderstorm later today. Could that be it? Electric current in the air. Hmm. I feel on the verge of a full blown migraine. It's been over three weeks since my last migraine.  I think this is the longest I've gone without one in the past two years.
Let's see, it's been a week since I've sat down to work on my writing. Perhaps that's where the restlessness is coming from. My muse is calling me and I've been ignoring her for far too long. There are slivers of story ideas trying to make their way to the surface and I've been snoozing. The alarm clock keeps going off in the background and I am having a hard time waking up enough to allow those slivers onto a page. What a waste.


Jumping subjects...I've been listening to the duo Johnnyswim and their sound is quite beautiful. This video is an acoustic version of LET IT MATTER and I can't stop listening to it. Her voice is delicious with a soulful, bluesy flavor.  Enjoy~ L

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

For The Love...

I've been remiss in putting up entries the past couple of weeks. Let's see, what excuse might I try tonight? Actually no need for excuses. I've been spending time with family, friends, and trying to take care of myself in the process. I've started a new food plan to hopefully help me with my migraine condition. After one week on a very restrictive diet, I've started to notice small changes. They feel like small wins each day. There is a long list of "no" foods.  No grains, no beans, no corn, no tomatoes, no peppers, no dairy, no tofu etc, etc etc.  The list is long and despite my best efforts, I'm still not following it 100% quite yet.  I am doing it stages to acclimate. I hope by month's end, I can finally have a month without ONE migraine. Let's see how it goes.
Tonight, I rolled out my yoga mat and had a long slow yoga session. Yum. I am getting over a chest cold and despite the occasional cough...it felt good to unwind. I've been trying to get some time on the yoga mat every other day. I spend too many hours at a desk and need time to stretch my creaky body. I know this was a small entry but I've hit my wall and it's time for bed.
More words later...L~
  
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Sunday - I will become what I deserve

I woke up with a raging headache this morning. It's not a migraine (thank goodness) but I'm trying to figure out if I should I venture out into the world or if I'm going to stay in my little shell today. Tomorrow it's back to work and I'm having a hard time facing that reality.

The last couple of months I've been looking for a tiny (bookshelf) radio system that can play CDs. I have loads of CDs that I'm no longer uploading into my crappy laptops. I found one that was perfect. I ordered it, played one and a half CD and then it stopped working. That's right, one CD and then with the next CD the spinning mechanism of the machine became louder than the music playing.  It paused on its own and stopped working altogether.  USA made product.  Of course, it's a piece of s***t.  I sent it back.

The next thing I ordered was a speaker. My bright idea was I could hook up my external CD drive  to it, plug in and play.  Brilliant right? I took out the speaker from the box and read the poorly written instruction (China made product). I discovered it doesn't have it's own power supply (nothing to plug in). It's on a 5v lithium battery so it doesn't have enough juice to power the external CD drive.  Argh! Foiled again.

At this point, I may go really old school and buy a car radio that plays CDs and hook that up to speakers.  Haha!

The whole point of this exercise was to get a small radio that I could play my CDs by my bedside. That's all I wanted. I may go back and see if I can find an alarm clock radio that plays CDs.  The problem with that option is the speaker quality is usually pretty tinny. Nothing ruins a song more than bad speakers.

The dream for me is to have a wireless sound system that plays in every room. High end sound system like Bang & Olufsen or even Bose. Imagine what Christina Aguilera's song Bound to You would sound like out of those speakers. * sigh * I won't do it until I own my apartment.  There is just no point going through the expense for a place that I will probably leave in the next year.  Bah!

As I sit here writing this blog entry, I'm trying to figure out if I'm going out. I'm on the fence. If I go out, I don't want to spend any cash.  But if I go out, cash will be spent.  hmmm...this how I teeter from one decision to another.  I'm going to make my bed, sort my laundry and then make a decision. Wish me luck. L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

1000 True Fans by Kevin Kelly (animated by Cole Webb)

My sister Vick sent me this video and it made me smile. She shared this with me because she knows I get a bit despondent from time to time over the state of my creative life. 

Creative life?  

What creative life? 

These past two weeks have been filled to the brim with my day job. Leaving very little head space for writing.  In fact, I've run myself ragged and have been in bed with a head cold most of the weekend. Booo.  Saturday it was pouring cats and dogs so I had an excuse to hide under my duvet (not venture out into the world) and allow myself time to recover. This coming week promises to be yet another busy week filled with 11 hour days. This kind of schedule is brutal because at the end of the day all I want to do is crash. 

When I do have a moment to myself, I am listening to the Senate hearings or watching news on the political landscape both here in the US and in Europe.  Eesh. No wonder I've been blocking out the world with music. No wonder most of my blog updates have been music related. Because at the end of the day music is the only thing that helps me get out of bed and face the day.  * sigh * There's that despondency I mentioned earlier.  I better sign off now before I get REALLY maudlin.  Peace, L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Gary Clark Jr. - Our Love & Lorde - Liability

It's April 14th and the weather has been sunny and mild most of the week. Spring is finally in the air. I'm hoping we can enjoy it for a little while before we hit 90 degree weather. I love the Spring, I feel like my body starts to wake up from its hibernating state. I tend to look for the sunniest spots whenever I have to be indoors and in a meeting. I take more breaks from the computer to sit outside in the sun by Citi's plaza. Just have to time it when there is down time.

It's been very busy at my day job which is good, it makes the day go by faster, but I'm suffering from a bit of spring fever. I want to go away and travel for a bit. Sit on a beach somewhere, drink copious amounts of margaritas with a healthy dose of tequila in it and find a good book that's either a fast, fun read or that's elegant with language. I think that's why I let my friend talk me into another holiday in Italy again this year.  I thought for sure I was going to save a little cash and try to book a trip to Paris instead. There is always next year. Someone used this expression "champagne problems".  She was referring to work, I am referring to: "Poor me. I'm going to Italy again to one of my favorite spots.  Boohoo." Haha. That just made me laugh. I love Sorrento, it's a sleepy little town by the water, where I can unplug from my life, where I can read or write for long stretches of time, where the slow pace of town seeps into my bone marrow. Truly lovely. It's not going to happen until the Fall but at least I can daydream a little about it.

I think I'm using up most of my vacation time with that trip. Eesh. Americans! It will be another two years before I earn another 5 more days of vacation. Bah! Can we say it again? "champagne problems." I'm grateful for the steady work, the ability to pay my bills, food and shelter...what more does a girl need in this new paradigm.

I was reading an article in the New York Times Magazine about the singer Lorde: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/12/magazine/the-return-of-lorde.html

I really like her music because I really like her lyrics. Yes, I am that person who actually listens to the words in a song. She's definitely a poet at heart and I find her view of the world interesting and compelling. I've attached the audio of Liability:



Because of Lorde, I've been on the hunt for new music. Something low and soulful. Songs that break me open. I've hit up my favorite artists first to see what new music they've put out into the world recently. I'm a little tired of the overproduced/synthesized sounds/songs that are on the charts that have no soul, no heart. *shrug* I've had Nina Simone and Gary Clark Jr. on heavy rotation.  Check out Gary Clark Jr.'s Our Love:

Enjoy! Let the music wash over you.
Peace-
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

11:30 am

I've taken some time off from my day job so I can focus on my writing. It's only a couple of days but I've escaped from the city and I'm hanging out upstate with my friend Tony. It's been a quiet retreat where I can take deep breaths, spend time writing, and eat lots of yummy healthy food. Well potato chips being the exception to the rule.

I watched the movie Arrival last night. What a fantastic movie!! It was one I wanted to watch earlier in the year but I didn't get a chance to see it. It's a smart, nuanced movie that might be too much for those who are expecting a shoot-at-the-aliens type of movie. Excellent, so glad I watched it with friends.

Also had a little kitty therapy surrounded by several cats who wanted attention from this friendly guest. Plus watching over Tony's two dogs...they crack me up, they are so freakin' cute.  Anyway, surrounded by so many animals has helped.  

I've also been adding to my novel 800-1,500 words at each stretch.  My first night here, I accompanied Tony to his mediation group and hung out in a waiting area writing while he counseled someone. The plan was to write for an hour and then join the meditation group. I don't know where the time went but I looked up and 2.5 hours had gone by in a flash. I had 1,500 words of fresh material to add to the novel. * happy sigh *

That's where I'm at. It's Sunday, I've spent my morning writing.  It's been a tough go today but I sat at my desk and just showed up. That's half the battle really.  I wrote up 747 new words but I don't really like it very much.  May have to go back and trash that section.  It's fine. It's just words. Tonight we are going over to play some board games with a group of friends...and if that doesn't happen then maybe watch a couple of episodes of WestWorld.  Just got into this show this weekend.

All for now.
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

4:43 am

I am up very early...4:43 am to be exact. Had a hell of a migraine yesterday.  I'm feeling right as rain now more or less after knocking myself out with meds.  Usually I feel like a zombie, hollowed-out and unable to piece together a coherent thought.  Not today, I cranked up my laptop and started listening to some of my favorite artists: Jack White, James Bay, Ben Howard.  They are keeping me company while I write this entry out.

I went to my writing group yesterday. Didn't present work but was inspired by one of my fellow writers. Her mystery novel is coming along. She presented one chapter but it was spot on.  hoorah. we like to see that.  I need a hot shower, a strong cup of black tea and some quiet time to work on my novel. Yes, my novel is calling...better go answer it.

7:56 am
I managed 1,876 words in the last three hours.  Didn't know I had it in me but apparently this story is writing itself. My muse  had a lot to say and I was just making sure I tried to get as much of it down as possible. Anyway, after two cups of tea, it's time for some breakfast and then a shower.  My growling stomach is refusing to wait for me to take a shower first.

Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

8:40 pm

It's strange how quickly the days go sometimes. They seem to be racing by. Time expanding and contracting. I spent the day writing. Working on Indigo. I have to submit an excerpt by next Saturday to my writing group. Gah! 5,000 words heading out tomorrow night. Just need to run through the two chapters and see if it makes sense. Tweak it and keep going.  See where this story takes me. Tomorrow I'll also need to spend some time packing. Goodness...wish me luck.

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

1:04 am - Sunday morning

It's 22 days into January and its been a difficult month. Tooth infection/tooth extraction, trying to find a new apartment, needing to move, packing, and its not over yet.  Still need to land an apt, still need sign a lease, still need to finish packing and round and round it goes and where it stops nobody knows. I tried out for a transfer at work and the idea was nixed by the higher ups. Okay, that one stung a bit and I took it personally.

They say the universe never gives you more than you can handle but gah it's definitely testing my limits. I've packed 14 boxes so far and 12 of them were for books and media. I've barely made a dent with the rest of the apartment. I thought writing this entry would help me unwind but I think its having the opposite effect.

Usually, my organizing brain handles the logistics of a move pretty well..the packing, the organizing, moving from task to task until things get done. A veritable workhorse. I seem to be doing things much slower these days. Things seem to be NOT falling into place like they usually do.  Perhaps I'm being impatient.

All for now...time for some sleep.
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2017 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Love - The Only Why

It's Friday night. I have the weekend left before I head back home to NYC after a week vacation in Texas. I'm having an internal struggle about going back to work. Not that I want to stay in Texas. Too much of a car culture. My preference is easy mass transit (even with all my complaints).

I am feeling a bit contemplative about what I want to work on in the new year. This is what my list looks like at the moment:
1. Write (every day, all the time, any chance i get)
2. Breathe Deeply
3. Smile from my heart
4. Laugh often
5. Be present
6. Minimize material goods
7. Stretch

That's as far as I've gotten but it's a good start. In the past, I make these huge lists of all the things I want to accomplish and all the projects that I want to complete and it adds a certain level of stress to my life. To the point where I start to feel the clock tick-ticking away in the back of my brain when I haven't achieved a number of things on my ghastly lists. I am giving myself a break. An actual PASS from my perpetual TO-DO lists for the next twelve months.

Instead, I want to try some new things, explore interests that will wake me up. I've been too dormant. Too passive. Expending too much time and energy into things that are NOT important to me. And not spending enough time with my nieces and the rest of my family. I've been neglectful because I've been too busy earning a living. At the end of the day, that doesn't really cut it for me. I want to connect with friends and family in a different way.

I was trying to paraphrase a line from the movie Collateral Beauty and no matter how I wrote it out, there was a whole emotional context that was missing.  I'm opting now instead to write out loud that I need a new reason to get out of bed in the morning when I have to face my day. I don't want it to be about paying bills, I want my life to be out so much more.  Connect to those things that will bring music back into my soul, literally and figuratively. For starters, explore Latin Jazz ...I was listening to some old Cuban music and an ember of interest burned hot in my belly.  I'm going to follow through when I get home. Find some venues to listen to some live music and see where it takes me.  You get my drift.  Of course, there is so much more to write but for now I'll leave it there.

This is my last entry for 2016.

Peace,
Lily

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

8:02 pm

today was a day of rest. slept in late (now that's luxury).  made some breakfast and a big mug of tea. then went out to catch a double feature: suicide squad (yay!) and star trek (double yay!) It was a good day for it.  then raced home before the storm clouds caught up.  i wrote that as a flash of lightning lit up the sky with thunder rolling in.
peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

10:50 pm

it was a very hot, humid day and i still managed to get quite a few things done.  a little exercise, bought much needed groceries, did a little laundry, cleared out some junk drawers, threw out old files while listening to some cranked up music. it was a good day to get some chores done.  there is more to do but it was a good decent start.  I finally stopped around 7:30 pm so i could eat something...but now i'm feeling just plain grimy.  definitely need a  shower but i'm having a hard time peeling way from watching the olympics.  i have one more think to tick off my list and i'll be done for the day...
peace,
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

9:24 pm

this is what happens when i turn apathetic. i go blank. forget what i give a shit about. forget who i am, what i'm about. i'm looking for the escape route. the backdoor. boredom blankets my day to day. i am hungry for more of something else. anything else. i forget to breathe. there is more need for quiet. more need to be alone. i have vacation in a little less than two months but i am hanging on by my fingertips.  white knuckling through the week. this is not my self-pity speech. all i have to do is do something different. any thing different.  i'm just stuck in a rut and bored by it all.  i'm reading but need something more substantial.  maybe i'll re-read the english patient.  that book is pure poetry. i want decadence, something i can sink my teeth into, something to remind me what my purpose in this life might be. perhaps it's time to revisit kathe koja...her writing is like music to me.

peace
l~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

12:10 am

i'm a reluctant participant
in this life of mine at times
figure it's worth a cup of salt
water first thing in the morning
the world is on fire, blood on
the ground and military coups
in the making against a dark sky
how many lives actually matter
during a torrential downpour
we are lost pieces in a battle
steeped in a reactionary war
who really lurks in the shadows
promising bullet holes and bombs,
the world is on fire while the taste
of salt lingers on my tongue
there is no boogie man, only fear
and the inability to sleep alone

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2016 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Cloud Gazing on Coney Island Beach