I know I'm late on the upswing on this movie, it's been out for months and months but I finally saw A Most Wanted Man last weekend. What an amazing film! Phillip Seymour Hoffman is subtle and nuanced in this role and Robin Wright as the American counterpart is flawless. It's filled with tense political intrigue and the ending made me gasp out loud. Truly. There is something about these spy movies that have always captivated me. I wouldn't have the stones to be in that life. Who could you trust? The world is such a dark and twisted place full of enemies of the state and national security is always at stake, how could anyone sleep at night? Ever?
Of course, this makes me think about how Power needs to create an "other"/ an enemy in order to justify torture, murder, rape all in the name of nationalist or religious rhetoric. Wow! How did I get here on this one? You get my drift though, political structures and tactics created for the sake of power. Maintaining that power. Ends justifying the means. We create this fear and FEAR is contagious. I've gone down the rabbit hole. I won't go on tho'. That's for a different entry on another blog. :-)
Today I spent the day writing. I'm experimenting with narrative poetry and I'm not sure how it's working yet. I am thinking of Kristin Prevallet's essays in I, AfterLife or Dennison Smith's novel Scavenger. Neither example actually fit the term narrative poetry but it's definitely a specific kind of storytelling that I'm trying. I'd mention Walcott's Omeros or Ondaatje's The English Patient but that kind of storytelling is a league all their own.
I am just letting the words come out first. No holds bar. It's partly autobiographical and at time I can feel my censor sitting on my shoulder whispering..."you can't write that, then everyone will know." And I write the words anyway. It's terribly graphic and I have a tendency to want to fix the language from it's raw state but I stop myself and tell myself to keep going. I wrote over 2,600 words with my starting point being a 300-word working poem called Sour Kiss.
I turned down an invitation to go out because I have been promising myself some quiet time to write. I wanted to get beyond journal entries and note scraps. I wanted to get beyond the recycled bullshit that is constantly churning in the grey matter. I'm writing about being with the Cuban...a pivotal relationship that I had back in the late 90's. It's taken me a long time to be able to write from an honest place about that chapter in my life but I finally feel ready to tackle it. It's not an easy process but the mix of creative narrative with memory helps with the transitions.
It's strange to listen so closely to the echoes of my past. I'm trying to capture moments and feelings but it still feels like I'm on the outskirts of the story. Tomorrow I will work some more and see how far I get. My goal is to get the words down...no revising for now. But I've worked long enough and I need a dinner break now. I think it's time to go get some sushi or at the very least order in. Hmmm decisions, decisions. A good walk in the afternoon rain sounds about right.
I've been dating again which is always odd at this stage in my life. As I've gotten older, I'm realizing that I tend to be clearer about what I want and what I need from the kinds of relationships I enter. And communicating those wants, altho' at times is difficult, is necessary. When I was younger I just expected folks to read my mind, anticipate my needs and cater to me. Isn't that what every little girl wants?
But god oh god, it's work to be upfront. It takes effort to be even-keel enough to say, gosh this really isn't working and I'd like to re-negotiate some of the terms of this relationship. It really isn't easy, in fact it's downright uncomfortable and quite frankly sometimes those needs won't be met. But it feels empowering to articulate those thoughts anyway. I feel lit up from within because for a change I wasn't going to stay quiet. I've shed a few tears, spent time journaling through this process, and nothing is really resolved yet.
In fact, this feels more like the quiet before the storm but no matter what the outcome I'm putting into practice just being who I really am in a relationship. The whole person part of me, both the vulnerable as well as the strong part of who I am. Glad I'm learning this lesson today and I'm sure I'll continue to work on this practice. *big deep breath* Just when I think I'm done taking big leaps...here presents a new opportunity. Glad I haven't forgotten how to jump. :-)
I finished reading Graham Joyce's new title, Some Kind of Fairy Tale. It came out earlier this week. It's the story about a woman, Tara Martin, who returns home after disappearing for twenty years. When Joyce ventures into the Fey world he captures moments quite beautifully. This novel had some hits and misses for me. Moments with thirteen year old Jack worked well. And sad-sack Richie was handled nicely. But the story felt uneven. At times, it was missing some of the magic. I loved the quotes used at the beginning each chapter. When Tara becomes angry I am with her all the way and that was one of the stronger moments. I need to read more Joyce.
I'm still reading Ensouling Language. Taking it in slowly.
I've also been reading Kurt Vonnegut's Slapstick. The story made me laugh out loud a few times while taking the train home from work. But I've reached a point where the story went down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure what to make of it yet.
That's all I really have for now...oh wait, one more thing...I really hate cardboard boxes. Yep, now I'm done.
It's Monday and I spent most of the weekend packing. I did take a break or two but, for the most part, my life has been revolving around boxes and putting things into them for my move on the 22nd. I have two dozen boxes packed and two bookshelves broken down plus two cd shelves tied together and ready to be hauled. Also the contents of my filing cabinet have been emptied into a box. Everything I own in this world is in 24 boxes. There are still clothes to pack and toiletries to put away and my altar to be packed but that will happen the night before my move. I haven't included the big pieces of furniture in the tally: t.v. stand, the bed and my desk. I'm leaving behind my favorite couch, ergh. I am trying hard not to cling to things but the more I move, the more attached I've become to my stuff. It's the Cancer Crab (astrology) in me. It's interesting to have packed things away and now living with less stuff around. It reminds me that I can live simply without having to burden myself with material goods. Really what's important to me is having pen and paper, my laptop and a good book to read when I've stopped walking around in circles.
I've been reading Ensouling Language: On the Art of NonFiction and the Writer's Life by Stephen Harrod Buhner. His text inspires me to be a better writer. He reminds me of the magic that goes into writing. I sometimes get stuck in the mire of slogging through my own text and think to myself, "Really? What's the Point?" Buhner's text reminds me that writing is about putting constant pressure on that wall to ensure a breakthrough. I am reading his book and I feel understood. The act of writing is such a lonely art. We sit with our work trying to get the world that is in our heads to come through in coherent passages onto the page. And there are times when the beauty that is in our brains just doesn't translate properly onto paper. It's incredibly frustrating. It takes a tremendous amount of faith to be vigilant with the writing and when I flounder, get stuck in the mire of it's-just-not-good-enough mentality, a book like Ensouling Language helps light a fire with my flagging energy. At the end of the day, writing is more important than quitting. Finishing this novel is necessary. I've invested three years (and counting) into this manuscript and even though I still have a long way to go with it, I can't stop now.
I'm going back to an old routine that worked for me, getting up early mornings (4:30/5:00 am) to start my day writing. Work for two hours on the novel then get ready for work. I need a routine in place to keep me active on this story. This is the only way I can put constant pressure 'til I feel that breakthrough again. It will also help me through yet another time of transition. Is it just me or have I gone through quite a few transitions lately? Goodness!
I admit, I fell off the grid for awhile. Been traveling a bit. Was also looking for a new gig since I have a stack of bills staring me down. Landed a temp gig down on Wall Street through my agency. The job is perfect. It's easy admin work and at the end of the day I can walk out of the building and not give the "work" another thought. Today I finished out my first full week so a full paycheck by next Friday will come in handy. I was told the gig is good until the end of August. I have the next three months to find something a bit more permanent but in this economy a steady paycheck is enough for now.
Where to start?
Moving: In 16 days, I move from my current apartment in the Bronx back to Brooklyn. Being out of work for two months left me needing to re-evaluate matters. I used up my piddly savings to pay for living expenses. So I'm moving back in with the folks temporarily while I get this whole job/money deal sorted out. Which is really kind of odd since they plan on selling their house in the next year or so. Guess I'll figure that out when it's time. Anyway, in the meantime I've been packing. I've got a stack of boxes, comprised mostly of books, against the dining room wall. It's strange to not have access to them. I know it will only be for a short time but I already miss the ability to grab a book at random just to read a passage. I've whittled down my library every time I've moved and I'm down to about 10 medium boxes. It's the object that I still spend money on acquiring. I keep sorting and re-sorting through papers and old journals and I keep wanting to chuck them but then my attachment to them stops me from doing it. Guess they go with me.
This whole transition time has me thinking about moving away from NYC to somewhere more remote. The problem with remote is lack of access to public transportation, 'cause altho' I have a driver's license, I really suck at the whole driving thing. The idea of having to take care of a car and insurance payments and gasoline and whatever else it might need just does not appeal to me at all. So I guess I'm choosing to stay in a more urban setting. At times, I wouldn't mind living a simpler existence. Have less stuff but I'm not sure I could live out of a backpack tho'. There are limits to my running away fantasies. I'm not much of a camper.
Movie: Wednesday night I went to see the movie: The East. It's another Brit Marling film altho' it was co-written with the director, Zal Batmanglij. I've been waiting for this one for awhile now. It's a decent flick but some of the storyline was problematic for me. Sometimes, the dialogue got caught up in it's own sanctimonious bullshit. I caught myself rolling my eyes a few times. HOWEVER, what's underlying the actual story is this call-to-action social activism that I really dig. I think Marling is still genius and I look forward to her next projects!!
Reading: While on vacation last week, I picked up the book Delirium by Lauren Oliver. It's a young adult science fiction novel. It's part of a trilogy: Delirium, Pandemonium & Requiem. "In Delirium, the government requires that all teenagers be cured of love, a.k.a. deliria, to keep society safe. But 95 days before her treatment, Lena Haloway falls in love--and must face the truth about her own feelings and the world in which she lives." The writing at times has a lyrical quality that really made me savor the story. Oliver really captured that angst that comes with budding love. I picked up her second book when I got back to the city and then downloaded the last novel onto my Nook. I have to say the first novel was the best one for me because of the depth of emotion I felt while reading it. The second one was compelling but the writing was uneven for me. I finished the third novel today and hmmm....some of the story was satisfying and some of it was not.
Writing: I haven't been writing at all. I've been trying to start a couple of new short stories but they won't come out. Unfortunately, Indigo is still my obsession but I haven't been working on it either. Which reminds me, I want to change the title...the title is starting to bug me. I can't stop thinking about the story itself and my characters. I just have to sit and write but I've been too active, too up-rooted, too social and doing everything else other than facing a revision of this novel. I've been drinking with friends and going to movies instead. Ergh. Despite the fact the novel still calls to me. I feel it constantly in the back of my brain, working, working out some of the problems. But I need to take pen to paper or sit in front of my laptop and just start pounding on the keys. I just need to get past my laziness and just take it one chapter at a time. I can just feel that it's going to be a HUGE undertaking and I'm just not ready.
Play: I went to see the play Relatively Speaking and I laughed so hard I could barely breathe. I was up in the balcony section but I actually think the actors heard my hysterics. I really love comedies based on misunderstandings and in this piece they were able to sustain the misunderstandings almost all the way through. I want to know the craft behind that piece...perhaps I will break it down one day and figure out how it works.
Publication: I was notified a couple of weeks ago that Applause Books is going to take a monologue from Glass Knives and publish it in Best American Monologues. How cool is that?!! When I find out publication date, I'll let folks know.
All righty, I think that's all I have for the moment. I've been sitting here for an hour trying to fill in all the blank spaces on this page.
Peace,
L~
P.S. Please forgive all typos and grammar problems. I've realized lately that when I am writing off-the-cuff...the words are coming out before my thoughts have even formed. It happens.
It's been a busy week looking for a new gig. The response is slow and that does stress me out a bit. But next week it looks like I'm heading down to Mexico City to go visit relatives. It's a much needed break to gain a little perspective. It's only for a week but I haven't been back in quite some time so it'll be good to connect again with my family. I may head out to Teotihuacan to visit the pyramids. It's one of my favorite places and it will help me loads.
I haven't spent any time on the novel this week. The "not writing"is making me antsy. I've spent time journal writing but that doesn't seem to be quite enough.
Journal writing helps offset some of the stress of being out of work. It's a place where I can bitch and whine and get that angst out of my system. It helps me from acting out impulsively. It steadies me in the face of this new reality. So it does help somewhat. But it's up against that part of me that wants to be MORE productive. Notice the capital letters...the same emphasis happens in my head.
I've been reading books and articles on a new way of looking at the world economy and taking ecological factors into the equation. Finite resources are impacting the way we think of GROWTH in this world and there are some countries who are looking at a sustainable steady-state economics instead of a growth economy as a possibility. It's A LOT of new information and I'm trying to take it in and process it but I have to write it out. I want to use this new information for my next novel but how I'm going to integrate it into fiction...I'm not quite sure just yet. Makes my stomach churn with nervous energy. Perhaps that's what I'll start working on while I'm down in Mexico. Just hash it out in some free-write exercises to see what comes up and out onto the page. Oooo now I'm excited.
Anyway, I've been working at eating better and exercising more. The healthy diet is coming along. I've lost a couple of more lbs. Yay! The exercising is still a bit rockier for me. I just have an unbearable block about it. I'll be good for a series of classes and then I quit. No rhyme or reason...just quit. Ergh! It's a bit annoying.
Let's see tomorrow I'm going to be baby-sitting my nieces for the weekend. Heaven help me!! I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old to entertain for two days. Eeeek!! Hehehe. I'm sure it will be fine. I've just finished picking up foods and snacks for them. I also picked up a slew of markers and drawing paper so we can have some creativity time. I keep having to remind myself that I need to pick up more children's books because they like a good story time. Perhaps I need to go relish the quiet apartment because tomorrow it will be mayhem.
Bright Friday Morning. While waiting for the train, I found a spot on the platform that had the sun shining directly on my face. Yum. I closed my eyes and let the light…lighten my mood. And boy did that work! Usually, I’m so light sensitive that I’m skimming the shadows but that small dose of sunlight lifted my spirits.
With a long weekend ahead and some cash in my pocket…I am itching to do something fun. I actually don’t know what that entails yet but just keeping my options open for the time being.
I finished Among Others last night and it was such a crap ending. I am sincerely pissed that I read that book cover to cover. Ergh! What a waste!! I meant to grab another book from the shelf this morning but I was running late. I feel a purge coming on, just go through my shelves and see what books I can give away. I actually like leaving paperbacks on trains and benches. Technically, I know it’s littering but you never know who might need a book to read.
Ooooo I just realized that I have several comic books that I haven’t read yet. How did I forget about them? Well I remember buying them before I moved several years ago and put them into storage while I was living in my folk’s house. Then when I moved to this new apartment last year, I took everything out of storage but I JUST REMEMBERED NOW that I have a slew of graphic novels and comic books that I’ve never even read. Cool beans…it’s going to be like Christmas.
I am buzzing with excitement!! I scored tickets to see Ben Howard in concert at Central Park in July AND tickets to see HALESTORM at Roseland Ballroom in April. WooHoo!! I am so hyped up that I can barely sit still.
The sun is out today. That’s helped perk me up. I’ve been pretty crabby most of this month so far. Yep, you read that right. The month. That’s why the posts have been fewer and far between lately. I am trying not to whinge too much up on this platform. I have moments of respite but for the most part I’ve been grumbling into my teacup pretty consistently. Today that dark cloud over my head has some sun rays breaking through.
Let’s see what have I been up to that I could share? I’ve been spending most of my downtime reading these days. Currently reading Jo Walton’s Among Others. I have to say, I don’t really understand why it has won so many awards. It’s such a simple story that I’m completely perplexed at the hype over this book. As I’ve been reading along, I’ve been expecting the story to become richer. It reads like a compendium to the Science Fiction genre. Indicating to other titles to make a point and you have to have a vast knowledge of the genre to get the connection. Hmph. I am a chapter away from finishing the book and the big confrontation is happening…but it’s all so very late in the game at this point. Ergh! As a reader, there is just no level of satisfaction. As a writer, the craft, the story arc just feels a bit incomplete, as if, there was more story to tell. This is one of those books that I’ll leave in the lobby of my building for someone else to pick up. No point in taking up bookshelf space. That’s the other reason why I’m a bit miffed at this novel, I actually bought a hardcopy. I was browsing in St. Mark’s bookstore, a small indie shop, perusing the shelves and I read the back cover copy and it promised me so much more than the book delivered. I thought it was going to be a keeper, the kind that I would read over and over again. If nothing else, I think it’s taught me to start using the library more regularly…hehehe.
I haven’t been watching much television. All the shows (even my favorites) seem so vacuous these days. So my DVR is creating quite the collection of unwatched shows.
I think it’s time to raid my shelves for something more substantial like Philip Pullman or Kathe Koja. I want to let the rest of the world fall away and become lost in someone else’s world. Perhaps it’s time to go back to my novel and start the revising process. *nervous at the prospect *
Last bit, Ben Howard is singing at Central Park Summerstage in July. I’m going to see if I can pick up a ticket for that concert. I think he’s going to be fantastic live.
I’m attaching an old Tegan & Sara song, Living Room to this entry. Next Tuesday is their make-up concert after last month’s cancellation. Yay! * Joy! Joy! *
Have I mentioned lately how much I love snow? This morning on my way to the train station, the snowflakes were plump as they were falling. They stuck to my eyelashes, so it looked like I had tiny white fur muffs for my eyelashes. Haha!! The only thing I don’t like is when the wind picked up and the snow started coming at me sideways. Too many landed inside my ears....eeek!! I don’t like the way cold melting snowflakes feel in my ears. Ergh!! The storm is supposed to hit this area later tonight so the office is dead quiet this afternoon. Most people stayed home…so what the heck am I doing here? It’s almost 2 pm and I’m ready to go home and hibernate. My sister has a couple of bottles of wine at home…yes, break out the Malbec. Yum.
On Wednesday, I had to stay home because I had a full on migraine. Light sensitivity, nausea, and half my head on fire. Then once it passed a hollowed out aching feeling in my skull. Once the pain passed I could function again.
On Thursday, I was met with a wall of paper. The term paper-pusher was earned on that day. Haha!!
Today, I’ve been going through bouts of annoyances but I realized that it stems from being a control freak. There are some systems at my day job that are not very efficient. Ergh. That type A personality is such a pain in the ass at times. I need to channel that Type A personality for my own life, for my own work. Perhaps, the lack of writing the last week and half has me a bit on edge. Okay, late next week back to revising the novel.
Monday. Bright winter sun. There is a bite to the wind. My face wanted to crack off this morning. Just tucked my chin and kept walking.
I spent the weekend in therapy. Haha. Actually, more like a marathon of Season 2 of Being Erica. A little Canadian show that I loved because it was smart and quirky and it had a lot of heart. Anyway, on this show Erica Strange is going through special kind of therapy and I followed her down the rabbit hole. The show has been off the air for about a year now and watching this show again felt like I was visiting with old friends. Even better I was reminded of when I take things too seriously, I am either caught up too much in the past or worrying too much about to the future and forgetting about what is working in my present. I know I’ve written numerous times of this phenomenon. It seems to be a broken record for me. However, something else I took away from the show was that the grief I feel needs to be felt and it will go away eventually. I felt reassured. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m too hard on myself. Hmmm perhaps.
Talking to my best friend yesterday, he reminded me that when I venture into a new territory I have a tendency to retreat and self-sabotage. Or at least turn the anxiety and insecurities against myself. Yes, very true. Don’t we all? Oh no? Really? Not everyone does that? Trying new things isn’t always very comfortable for me. And I’ve been trying to expand my social circle by dating again. Ergh. I always know that I’m going into unchartered territories when I started doing the cha-cha. You know the moves. Two steps forward, two steps back, one step forward, two back. You get the point. I think what I’ve been failing to mention is that I’m still trying my hand at it…I haven’t quit. There is no YET at the end of that sentence.
Anyway, I know I have a lot of pent up anger and perhaps I should take up boxing or kick-boxing. I need to do something about this high level of aggression coursing through my veins. ‘Cause I can feel my mouth start to pull into a snarl when dealing with people lately. My mild manner façade is starting to fray at the edges.
My personal to-do list is long today. I need to clone myself and have them work on half the list while I work the other half. Or cut my list in half so I don’t quit before I even start. Hehehe. I need to trick myself into getting some work done. What I would rather do is just go home, change my clothes and take a nap. Since that’s not actually going to happen…break the list in half will be more like it.
All for now.
Peace,
All righty then. I’m still in a bit of a mood but not quite as bad as yesterday. I’ve booked a vacation. All that steam coming out of my ears is truly a sign that I need a holiday. It’s for late spring. Flight is booked. Hotel is booked. I can pay it off in the next three months so I think I’m all set. A little gallery-hopping, museum-hopping, theater holiday outside of NYC. Yay!!
Jumping subjects: I picked up the book “Enough is Enough: Building a Sustainable Economy in a World of Finite Resources” by Rob Dietz and Dan O’Neill. Talk about a little light reading on the train to work.
My brain seems to be turning over several things at once and I’m just capturing moments from it.
Have you ever had a crush on someone so deep that you’d get a knot in the pit of your stomach whenever you saw them? They’d actually make you catch your breath whenever you caught a glimpse of them. Or your heart ached a little when you just knew nothing would ever come of it? Not meant to be. The feeling is so familiar that when it blooms, it reminds me of my ex. The one who I loved on and off for 15 years. The one who when I think of still brings tears to my eyes even after all this time. I’ve been writing this paragraph for the past fifteen minutes and I keep stopping because I could feel a sob start to well up in my throat. Anyway, back to my initial point…the thing with crushes is that they remind me of that deep abiding grief that resides within me. Instead of feeling bubbly and excited about the prospect of someone new entering my life…it just opens up that door. Pandora’s box.
It’s a mild wet Thursday morning and the sun is streaming through the clouds. It’s the kind of day that reminds me of spring. A sharp wind. The smell of wet earth. The sound of birds and squirrels chittering in the trees above me. Crows and pigeons fighting over food debris. I’m hoping the natural world helps crack me open a bit. I’m feeling oddly angry and melancholy today. Going introverted and back into a dark corner in my head. Stuck and frustrated with things. I get that I have the power to change my current situation. * head in hands * Things feel a bit more impossible today. Too much self-doubt coloring my perspective. Strange how just the other day I was talking to someone about some of my past experiences, that conversation reminded me of some of my finished projects and just for a moment I felt proud over the things that I have accomplished in my life. Today, I’m having a major backslide in the other direction.
All I see right now is the half dozen unfinished projects…plays yet to be written, my novel still a mangled mess (on hiatus for three weeks), and scraps of poetry littering the bottom of my purse on pieces of scrap paper and post it notes. I need to finish something or I may just lose my damn mind. I just feel static and stagnating from lack of movement (both physically as well as with the creative work). Spring is coming and it’s a good time to have something in a more finished state to put work out to a larger audience. The brain is on fire with impatience with myself. Yesterday I had a crappy day at work, I went home, stared at my ceiling and listened to Pearl and the Beard. I didn’t have anything left to try to put something down on paper.
One of my exes told me once that she was working some admin job, it paid just enough for rent and food and not much more. Anyway, during this time she was invited to perform one of her pieces at Lincoln Center for one of those up-and-coming play festivals. It was a weekend event, so she had three nights of putting her piece up in Lincoln Center. When Monday rolled around, she had to go back to her cubicle and her admin job, she sat at her desk, stared at her grey walls and did absolutely no work. She told me it was so depressing to have a write-up in the NY Times and to get to do her creative work full on at Lincoln Center of all places and then to have to go back to that cubicle. After a week her boss pulled her in and asked her is she was going to do any work. She was too depressed to really answer and she just nodded at her manager and went back to her desk. She took all the manila folders that were stacked on her desk and pushed them into a drawer, collected her things and walked out of that job. She’s gone on to teach theater and filmmaking in various venues much happier at leaving the cubicle behind, married to a woman she crushed on in high school and living her creative life.
My pragmatic side is having a hard time taking that kind of leap of faith. I want some sort of guarantee that it will all work out. Even as I write that last sentence I have to laugh, I’ve been a creative person since I could string a sentence together and I know to live the creative life means living on faith and perseverance. There are just days when the faith is wearing thin and perseverance is something I used to have when I was much younger. I’m going to chalk this up as winter blues and remind myself that spring will be here shortly.
Anyway, on the music front: Tegan and Sara concert was cancelled on Monday due to illness. Blah!! Rescheduled to play in a couple of weeks.
I’m putting up another Ben Howard video – Diamonds …’cause I can’t get enough of his music.
I woke up feeling grumbly this morning. If I was a little kid, I’d be on the side of a road somewhere kicking a tire over and over again. It’s a hiding-under-the-duvet kind of day. But alas, there is much work to be done. The ending to my story is not working, which makes me feel crummy and whingy. It just lies there like a corpse. Ergh! Maybe it’s time to just let it be. Put it in the drawer. Let it rest for the next three weeks and come back to it with fresh eyes to start on the revising process. * sigh *. I’d just really hate to leave it where it is at this point because it’s not working. What to do, what to do, what to do. * rubbing my eyebrows off * It’s a cold rainy Wednesday and I want to scream. I’m just unbelievably frustrated, I feel deadlocked. The story’s run amok again and I don’t know how to fix it yet. I need a new profession because I absolutely suck at this creative writing bit. Now I have to sit in this quiet corporate office with too much time on my hands to twist myself up over this story, which is a special kind of hell made just for writers. I should give it another stab, go back to the place where my protagonist enters the Headquarters, and her plan goes awry. How do I get the others there? I keep leaving her allies behind. She doesn’t trust them. There are all these ulterior motives for each of them but they are necessary in this last confrontation. I need to focus on my day job obligations first…that should take me until noon to finish out then I should have the afternoon free to write. Hope so…let’s see how the day pans out. Wish me luck
Peace,
L~
It’s Tuesday. Started my day with the sound of construction work outside my window. A jack hammer alarm is harder to find the snooze button on it. For a change, it actually didn’t bother me as much as it usually does. Mostly because the sound of construction gives me a sense that money is being spent on the infrastructure of the city and that always helps our limping economy.
Writing Update: Yep, don’t really wanna talk about it. Just haven’t done much with it this week. There are a hundred and one reasons (a.k.a. exuses) but none of them really matter. I was supposed to have been at 25,000 words on November 15th…wasn’t even close…still teetering around 14,000 somewhere [earlier I wrote 1,400 and that wasn't the case]. Writing this novel makes me want to hide my head under my duvet. It’s frustrating. I have a hard time letting go of control. Ergh. This lesson is biting me in the ass.
Last Wednesday, I was having the worst possible day. I hit my wall. I was just angry. Part of it is the writing (or lack thereof). Part of it is my past keeps trying to invade my present…and I was having complicated feelings about it. The scale was starting to creep up again. I know this is all very personal but hell this is part of the human experience, no? We all struggle with feelings of frustration and anger and how that impacts our every day. And I wanted to quit. Quit EVERYTHING!! Quit writing, quit my shamanic training, quit my job, quit project “healthy me.” Just cut out. Running away fantasies. The problem with running away is that I take ME along in this scenario. It doesn’t matter where I go, I will come upon the same problems and the same manners in which I deal with them in the same way. No way of getting around it…and no matter where I go, there is my stack of baggage that comes along. It didn’t help that I was also dealing with a wicked migraine. I just tuck myself into a cold dark room and I want the world to go away. Actually, I just want the pain to go away.
There is always this moment whenever I am doing things that are healthy for me where I just want to stop. No rhyme or reason to why I want to stop, I just don’t want to continue. I convince myself that nothing is ever really going to work. In fact, several years ago, I was running (jogging) pretty steadily. I had moved myself from running a couple of miles up to 5.5-6 mile runs. I was getting that lovely release of endorphins and feeling pretty good about my pace. Then one day, I went for a run down along the river and made it down to 116 street from 151 street. It was less than a 2 mile run and I stopped. I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t winded…I just stopped moving. It was a clear bright cool spring day and I turned around and caught a bus home. I didn’t ask the question, didn’t even bother. That was the last time I ran. I miss running. Note to self: start running again.
I woke up on Thursday having a complete change over. Magic elves were working on my psyche that night because I felt bright and positive and shiny again. Where had all the self-pity that I usually cloak myself with gone? Instead, I opted to get back on healthy food choices and a long walk during lunch. I added another 200 words to my novel but I hardly count them. In fact, I don’t even think I added them onto my NaNoWriMo tally. Ergh! Anyway, neither here nor there. I just realized that I matter. Yes, my writing will sometimes suck…but my writing is just an aspect of who I am, it’s not the sum of all my parts. Weird how something so obvious seems so foreign to me. This is my long answer to a short question: I'm back on track.
Friday night I went to dinner with a friend and we went to see the play, The Outgoing Tide written by Bruce Graham. Such a good piece of drama. Peter Strauss as the lead actor was fantastic! His performance gave me goose bumps. Graham’s writing was gorgeous because it was both funny and serious in a way that was even-handed. There were scenes that went on a tad too long but for the most part it really was an amazingly well developed piece.
Then Saturday night, I went to see Ani DiFranco in concert at Town Hall. She went on one of her feminist liberal rants and I LOVED IT! She started off the night by doing a poetic piece. About being citizens, not just consumers. Yay!! She said a lot more but I don’t want to mis-represent her with my own feminist rant! Hahaha!
Wait, before I get ahead of myself. Let me first talk about the opening act. A little group from Brooklyn called Pearl and the Beard. Their sound was so right on, they actually blew me away. I am sharing one of their songs below. They are so good that I didn’t want them to stop singing. They are playing at Brooklyn’s Bell House, Dec 1st. May go see them there. Their music give me chills!!
Back to Ani DiFranco. She sang new material and there is something about her music that speaks to me down to my DNA. She had some beautiful fucked up love songs that did me in. I was sitting in the balcony with big soppy tears streaming down my face but they were so WORTH IT! She also sang some of her old material, like 32 flavors and Shameless (one of my favorites) and I loved it when the audience sang along. It was a great moment. Really fantastic!
Okay, I think we are all caught up.
I had a helluva morning commute. My train is delayed and it sits in-between stations because of an incident in lower Manhattan. Twenty minutes later it finally enters a station. I wait another ten minutes before I decide to try to catch a cab since it looks like we weren’t moving any time soon. Yep, a few hundred people had the same idea so I couldn’t hail a cab if my life depended on it. I walk a few blocks to catch a cross town bus. It’s packed but I managed to squeeze in and then realize that I’m going in the wrong direction…that’s right, it’s going back uptown. Ergh. How does that happen?? Anyway, it does manage to cross over a few avenues. Hop back off and walk a couple of blocks and check the bus signs. Yep, right bus heading for Penn station. At least it’s going in the direction that I need. The bus pulls into Columbus Circle and announces that it’s the last stop. Are you kidding me? I hop off and decide to walk the rest of the way to work. At least that was a plus. It’s a mild overcast October day. I popped in my iTunes and listened to some hard rock as I power walked my way to work (3/4 of a mile). Hehehe. Picked up a bagel and entered my building. I was an hour late for work. Sheesh! Now I’m sitting in an air-conditioned office…chilled to the bone and this hot tea just doesn’t seem to be doing the trick.
The Fall always brings an abundance of energy for me. I am awake and bright-eyed!! Even overcast days can’t take the smile off my face. I love the feeling of the wind on my face. I feel like a superhero because I can feel Power (yes, with a capital P) radiate from my body. Yum! I enjoy the sound of small birds perched on the straggly trees or the sound of the wind moving through the trees. I can feel the vibrancy of the world around me, from the red and orange hues of the leaves to the little girl wanting to be in her daddy’s arms because the world is such a big and noisy place. Lovely.
Can’t wait for the weekend to see what I can get up to...Yay! Have a great weekend.
It’s a dark, soaking wet Friday in good ol’ Nu Yawk Sitty…but it’s FRIDAY!! YAY!! Before you start looking for part one of Happy Friday...there isn't one. Hehehe...I just like writing DEUX.
I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that sometimes I put in way too minutiae regarding my life and that can be a little off-putting. After all, we all have to deal with the every day realities of our lives. So thanks for sticking around and reading my blog anyway.
Being a creative person in this world…is complicated sometimes. In writing this blog, I wanted to share some of my process with a larger audience. But I have found that writing about my writing life…is very similar to making a movie about a writer. Basically, you cut to a montage of a writer at a typewriter or a computer pounding away either in ecstasy or in dismay. Either lying on a bed bemoaning the work, or pacing the room talking to oneself as a writer struggles to get through a section. Riiiiiight!
That’s a romantic notion. I think pounding on a keyboard is right but everything else…eh, not so much. I say all this because this writer works a full time day job to pay bills, who jots character description based on the strangers I come across on the train, who daydreams about frantic love affairs to capture them on the page, who writes lines of poetry on scraps of papers, who is moved by good music and little independent movies, who consumes books like oxygen, who takes care of Pandora (a short haired black Bombay cat), who can’t decide between paying her cell phone bill or buying tickets to see Ed Sheeran in concert (hehehe, true story), who helps her dad with every computer questions he can come up with, who helps her sisters with writing memos, who helps friends revamp resumes, eeek…you get the point. A busy life. Don’t we all have that?
At the same time, I am trying to get healthier in my body, do a little walking, a little stretching, a little yoga, and eating better. I am down 19.5 lbs as of this morning. Hoo-RAH! Trying not to be everyone’s caretaker until I have my own house in order (not an easy lesson after being so good at be there for others). Trying a new outlook on life. Trying new recipes, cooking for myself again, tonight I am making an Okra Veggie Stew. Phew! Just writing this out makes me a little tired…hehehe. No, not really. I’m taking my vitamins and I am ready to go.
It’s really when I’m up late at night staring at the ceiling that I think I’m wasting time. Tick, tock, tick tock, there is much to do. White rabbit syndrome, “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late for an important date.” Yet knowing there is just so much I can do in a day. After writing this blog out, I’ll be off to write my errand list for tomorrow…and try really hard to remember that tomorrow night I’m going to see Jack White in concert. SWEET!!
[Upcoming Event]
I’ve been invited to read one of my poems at the New York Times VOCES Affinity Group Event for Hispanic Heritage Month on October 10, 5:30-8:30 pm at 620 Eighth Ave. New York, NY 10018. Open to the public. Palabras, Ritmo y Arte A Celebration of Latino Poetry, Music And Art Featuring spoken word artists, musicians and a mixed media artists gallery showcasing the vibrant words and art of Latinos from the Tristate area.
It's Wednesday night and I'm feeling better today. My energy is back up and the hacking cough has subsided (somewhat). Really the only place where the cough acts up is in the ice boxes that I travel in a.k.a. MTA trains.
I'm in a pensive mood tonight. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of writing yet to be done. The pressure is in my gut. The tension in my jaw. Tight. I keep stretching my neck...and it won't let go. There are too many things by way of distraction and all I want is some quiet. I may have to go back to getting up at 5 am to write for a couple of hours. It's the only time of day that seems to work. Ergh! I am not a morning person but drastic times call for drastic measures. And I want to finish the story arc of this novel.
I've actually been thinking about buying an Underwood manual typewriter. I've been getting a bit fed up with technology of late. This idea just made me giggle and I've already changed my mind to....it's going to be the gift I buy myself once I finish writing this first novel. We all need incentives.
Pandora just plopped down against my leg to get her belly rubbed. She doesn't quite understand "busy writing"...'cause in her life...it's always a good time to get a belly rub.
Oh goodness, I feel like my brain is on overdrive. Who turned the power up? I think it's time for me to unplug.
Oh wait...one last thing before I go...Jack White concert on Saturday night....WooHoo!!
In keeping with the homage to Heart, I’m putting up Baracuda. Yay!!
Ann Wilson can wail!! I can’t stop listening to their music.
A bit of good news, I scored tickets to see Heart in concert on October 3rd. I’m stoked!!!
Let's see, I’ve also hit my 3 pm slump. Ergh. I had a choice between a small Dove dark chocolate and a Fuji apple. Yep, you guessed it, chocolate it is. No guilt, just yum. Plus a large mug of tea.
I took a late break and managed to sit out by the fountain at Bryant Park. The place was packed with tourists and workers alike. After about ten minutes dark rain clouds started rolling in so I scurried back to work. I thought the fresh air would wake me up a bit…hmmm, didn’t quite work that way. Instead I feel sleepy and I’ve been staring without seeing for the past ten minutes letting myself daydream a little.
I finally thought, “right, I need to do something.” and began with this bit of freewriting. Perhaps inspiration will hit me somewhere within these lines. Goodness…guess that’s not working either.
I’ll end it there for now.
How shall I begin this entry today? It’s a gorgeous bright, windy, fall day and I am bursting with lots of lovely, bubbly energy. I love this time of year…the humidity is being taken over by windier days and I can wear a light jacket. Yum!
I am putting up a video of one of my favorite female rock bands: HEART
With Ann's voice and Nancy's playing you can't go wrong. I heard that they are coming out with a new album on October 2 called FANATIC. Can it be true?! Say it’s so!! Very excited indeed!! Can’t wait!! Okay, have I put up enough exclamation points…can’t help the enthusiasm. They are killer musicians and you know what I’m like with rockers. ;-)
Let’s see…I’m still reading about Patricia Highsmith’s life and she feels like a kindred spirit…bendito. Her tragic love affairs, the ups and downs with her creative life, her bouts with drinking and depression…yep, I can relate to this woman very well. I am mid-way through a 400+ page biography.
Reading about her work, her process, has helped me to navigate through a rough sketch of an idea for another novel. I think I made mention of it sometime last week. I worked on it last night and put in another 1,000+ words down. It’s rough and I’ll try not to judge it. The story is about a married man’s obsession over a female co-worker. I sketched out a couple of chapters so far, nothing major. Not sure where it’s going yet but trying to stay with it, without throwing it out. For the first time, I’m not writing in a linear way. I am moving only from one major incident to the next. How I’ll tie it together, I’m not quite sure yet but it’ll figure itself out.
I’m also still working on Indigo although that seems to be going much slower. The plotting out is a bit grueling. Perhaps, I need to sketch out the rest of the novel as a way of thinking through the next couple of chapters. I know where I want it to end, just not sure how I’m going to get there from where I am 1/3 of the way through this novel. Ergh! I have three months to finish this draft. I can feel the deadline breathing down my neck. Then I’ll put in a drawer for a month before I start going through the revising process.
Last bit, I took a walk around Bryant Park during my lunch break and they were shooting an episode of Person of Interest. Jim Caviezel (one of the lead actors) was standing there running lines with someone and he was looking dapper in his tailored suit. Do people say dapper anymore? Anyway there’s the word in black and white and very appropriate indeed.
I write and I paint. Then I try to articulate some coherent thoughts about the creative process on this blog. In between those moments of producing work, I take photos, listen to groovy music, watch indie movies, read (a lot), go hear live music (preferably someone that rocks), go to the theater to see a new play from time to time, watch sci-fi movies, and continue to cultivate my curiosity. Then I write about that too.
