Long Answer to a Short Question

It’s Tuesday. Started my day with the sound of construction work outside my window. A jack hammer alarm is harder to find the snooze button on it. For a change, it actually didn’t bother me as much as it usually does. Mostly because the sound of construction gives me a sense that money is being spent on the infrastructure of the city and that always helps our limping economy.

Writing Update: Yep, don’t really wanna talk about it. Just haven’t done much with it this week. There are a hundred and one reasons (a.k.a. exuses) but none of them really matter. I was supposed to have been at 25,000 words on November 15th…wasn’t even close…still teetering around 14,000 somewhere [earlier I wrote 1,400 and that wasn't the case]. Writing this novel makes me want to hide my head under my duvet. It’s frustrating. I have a hard time letting go of control. Ergh. This lesson is biting me in the ass.

Last Wednesday, I was having the worst possible day. I hit my wall. I was just angry. Part of it is the writing (or lack thereof). Part of it is my past keeps trying to invade my present…and I was having complicated feelings about it. The scale was starting to creep up again. I know this is all very personal but hell this is part of the human experience, no? We all struggle with feelings of frustration and anger and how that impacts our every day. And I wanted to quit. Quit EVERYTHING!! Quit writing, quit my shamanic training, quit my job, quit project “healthy me.” Just cut out. Running away fantasies. The problem with running away is that I take ME along in this scenario. It doesn’t matter where I go, I will come upon the same problems and the same manners in which I deal with them in the same way. No way of getting around it…and no matter where I go, there is my stack of baggage that comes along. It didn’t help that I was also dealing with a wicked migraine. I just tuck myself into a cold dark room and I want the world to go away. Actually, I just want the pain to go away.

There is always this moment whenever I am doing things that are healthy for me where I just want to stop. No rhyme or reason to why I want to stop, I just don’t want to continue. I convince myself that nothing is ever really going to work. In fact, several years ago, I was running (jogging) pretty steadily. I had moved myself from running a couple of miles up to 5.5-6 mile runs. I was getting that lovely release of endorphins and feeling pretty good about my pace. Then one day, I went for a run down along the river and made it down to 116 street from 151 street. It was less than a 2 mile run and I stopped. I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t winded…I just stopped moving. It was a clear bright cool spring day and I turned around and caught a bus home. I didn’t ask the question, didn’t even bother. That was the last time I ran. I miss running. Note to self: start running again.

I woke up on Thursday having a complete change over. Magic elves were working on my psyche that night because I felt bright and positive and shiny again. Where had all the self-pity that I usually cloak myself with gone? Instead, I opted to get back on healthy food choices and a long walk during lunch. I added another 200 words to my novel but I hardly count them. In fact, I don’t even think I added them onto my NaNoWriMo tally. Ergh! Anyway, neither here nor there. I just realized that I matter. Yes, my writing will sometimes suck…but my writing is just an aspect of who I am, it’s not the sum of all my parts. Weird how something so obvious seems so foreign to me.  This is my long answer to a short question: I'm back on track.

Friday night I went to dinner with a friend and we went to see the play, The Outgoing Tide written by Bruce Graham. Such a good piece of drama. Peter Strauss as the lead actor was fantastic! His performance gave me goose bumps. Graham’s writing was gorgeous because it was both funny and serious in a way that was even-handed. There were scenes that went on a tad too long but for the most part it really was an amazingly well developed piece.

Then Saturday night, I went to see Ani DiFranco in concert at Town Hall. She went on one of her feminist liberal rants and I LOVED IT! She started off the night by doing a poetic piece. About being citizens, not just consumers. Yay!! She said a lot more but I don’t want to mis-represent her with my own feminist rant! Hahaha!

Wait, before I get ahead of myself. Let me first talk about the opening act. A little group from Brooklyn called Pearl and the Beard. Their sound was so right on, they actually blew me away. I am sharing one of their songs below. They are so good that I didn’t want them to stop singing. They are playing at Brooklyn’s Bell House, Dec 1st. May go see them there. Their music give me chills!!

Back to Ani DiFranco. She sang new material and there is something about her music that speaks to me down to my DNA. She had some beautiful fucked up love songs that did me in. I was sitting in the balcony with big soppy tears streaming down my face but they were so WORTH IT! She also sang some of her old material, like 32 flavors and Shameless (one of my favorites) and I loved it when the audience sang along. It was a great moment. Really fantastic!
Okay, I think we are all caught up.

'Nuff 'bout me
L~

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