Lovely Day

What a lovely day.  It's now 11:11 pm and today was my birthday.  I usually really hate celebrating it but today I decided to treat myself.  First, I took the day off from work, very important part to this tale.  Just needed a couple of days to decompress...it's my first vacation time since the year started.  In the morning I had a bit of spa day with a facial.  The scent of pineapple and papaya enzyme wash was yummy. As was the quiet and the ambient music that played softly in the room. Afterwards I went back home and treated myself to a lox and cream cheese bagel with capers...it was decadent and I enjoyed every bite then again by 1 in the afternoon it was the first meal of my day.  The sun was out and there was this warm wind that caressed my skin while walking through Bryant Park.  I've been reading a couple of novels one sci-fi, one fiction piece with no nutritional value.  I spent time enjoying reading for pleasure.  I took a little siesta around 3:30 pm and woke up to my mother cooking one my favorite things...lengua in a spicy sauce.  Yummy.  She can't stand neither the sight nor the taste of it but she made a batch just for me. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Texas.  * sigh * Anyway delicious tacos for dinner.  And then off to look at an apartment.  I loved the fact that it was an L-shaped studio but hated everything else.  Ergh.  So I passed on that apartment.  Off to find something else.  The disappointment in not liking the apartment spurred me on to go see my co-worker and his band play at the Cake Shop on Ludlow.  Now that was fun, live music, hanging out drinking hard cider, chatting with musicians and artists afterwards...you just can't go wrong with a big dose of creative energy.  One of their songs to check out:


I enjoyed myself immensely and scooted out of there before I turned into a pumpkin.  No, really, there is always a point in the evening where i get over-familiar and I start to say too much, the liquid courage kicks in....I felt myself start to hit that point by the time they were ready to grab some food.  It was time for me to go home, my limbs were loose and the walk to my house and the warm windy night was the perfect way to end it.  I just needed some quiet to regain my composure and revel in the present moment.  As I write this entry, I am listening to Tori Amos and it's perfect for the gentle mood I'm in.  Tomorrow, my family is treating me to dinner in the city.  I feel blessed from all the affection from both family and friends.  I am letting it in, for a change.  :-)

What else do I have in mind for the rest of the week?  I think I'm going to play it by ear.  I really want the chance to allow myself some down time. I do know there are a few things that I need to take care of (apartment hunting for one) but I'm not worried about it.  I trust that the right apartment will come my way when it's time. In the meantime, I want to allow myself time to write...whoosh.... I just felt the shiver from the excitement at the prospect of writing.  Did you feel it?

That's really all I have for tonight. It's time to turn in and dream up a writer's life.

Peace,

Lily~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Sunday Solstice

I am very grateful for a sweet co-worker who sent me the following Neil Gaiman link. I've been struggling with my writing and my place in the world because of it.  Gaiman's words were soul-nourishing.  I don't say this lightly, I felt myself tearing up as I read his words. The fact that this co-worker sent me Gaiman related writing and it hit so close to home...well let's just say it leaves me a bit lost for words. I want to write more but it won't capture the depth of gratitude I feel at the moment.  Anyway, Friday I felt really lucky to be alive.

Anyway, today I spent the day taking care of laundry and packing whatever I can. I don't have too much left to pack.  Mostly clothes, toiletries, odds and ends. I could probably pack up the rest in a couple of hours.  Now all I have to do is land an apartment. I am grateful for the apartment coming my way.  It's been awhile since I've had a place all to myself...it's gonna be good no matter where I end up!!  * big cheesy smile *

Is there more?  Probably but I've written the most important parts down for now.
Peace,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Midnight Entry

It's a quarter to midnight and I can't sleep. I am feeling antsy. Actually, I've been antsy for weeks and I didn't know why.  It finally hit me...at the beginning of the year I had given myself a deadline to fully revise my novel by my birthday.  Next week is my birthday and I am NO WHERE with this freakin' novel. I am ready to throw in the towel burn it and call it quits on this project despite the fact that scenes still play in the back of my brain.  My manuscript and it's many many revisions are sitting on a shelf over my desk collecting dust.  Even now I  can see it in my peripheral vision while I write this entry. The reality is I don't know what to do with it.  I don't know how to enter the piece any more, how I would go about making changes, or what's it all for really.  I've lost my initial impulse, that loving feeling, that je ne se quoi.  It feels like damaged goods and I'm not really sure I can salvage the damn thing. Makes me sit at my computer and sigh...loudly.  The defeatist attitude is doing more harm than good.
Of course, it doesn't help that I spent the last two days reading about the success of a young writer recently.  I am NOT comparing myself to her...I'm really not...I can tell you don't believe me but I'm not (I say this in a very high-pitched whiny voice, even in my head)  Setting aside this young woman's success...I acknowledge that I'm published and I've produced work on different platforms. Those before projects are still real.  The fact that my new projects are "meh" at best and not very innovative makes me doubt myself and my abilities.  I know this is usually the time when it happens, right now, around my birthday.  I do this self-assessment of what am I working on, what am I excited about with my creative projects and really the only thing that I've worked on is my little Clara Betta (short story) that basically got rejected from ONE publication and I want to quit, throw in the towel, call in for a substitute, stick my head in the sand and wait for the dismay to subside.
I am VERY aware of the clock ticking to try to get as much work done before I die.  Seriously, I could walk off the sidewalk and die of an aneurysm in the middle of the street tomorrow.  Yes, I know this is morbid...I'm Mexican, bear with me here...the point is I don't know when my last day will be but I want the writing to get better, the writing to find an audience, my work to be out in the world. * deep breath* You get my point. So the past week, I've been writing poetry.  I always go back to my first love.  I know I'm rusty, it's been some time since I've written passages but again bear with me as I work through this creative phase.

Best,

Lily


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Location Not Available Yet

I am located on the other side of the door.
You, yawn, scratch and wonder what next.
We are not sharing secrets over tea, since you remember the before-time. You knew me way back when...You talk so much I've stopped listening, that doesn't stop you from continuing your incessant chatter. I am careless with your memories. The thin rain has started to fall leaving a thin sheen over the afternoon. You plunder my thoughts with ginger-scented letters. Sugar on my tongue and madness consumes me for a spell. I am trying to put enough distance between my body and your touch, between your laughter and my want, between my words and your music. There is so little difference between us, space-wide. The glass of water had been sitting on the window ledge too long. How warm your skin tastes against my lips. The room hums with your breathing, it reminds me that I'm still alive, barely.

Hinterland

I am caught in the callous
country of language.
Borderline. Fragments.
Waking words. Clarity.
The truth is there is no truth
only a moment, a thought.
I am wasting time dancing
around the periphery
like a fairy in a pink tutu
instead of hunkering
down, sinking waist
deep into the mud.
The sky is the color
of green ash, waiting
to rip open thunder,
lightning and rain.

Stand with an open hand
while a grey mourning
dove perches on a white
fence murmuring to
the cherry blossom
tree, remembering
Spring together.

Astray

What does lost look like?

Having gone astray, missed the way
Not used to good purpose, opportunity/time/labor wasted
Preoccupied
Distracted/distraught

Notebooks piled on a desk
Deadlines locking down the day
Somehow we have lost our way
Sunlight breaking through cloud cover beckons
A clock against a white wall, the red hand tick~tocks along
There is a strangle hold

Scientists have created the coldest molecule (minus 273 Celsius)
Did it just get cold in here?

I missed you yesterday, across a span of words captured on the web
You missed me too, dead pixels, corrupt links and all.
With so much new technology we hold onto radio silence. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Scientists have created the coldest chemically induced molecule and injected it into my bloodstream. It's the safest way to exist without you.

Answering the Question

I've been:
packing
drinking
watching women's soccer
making endless to do lists
resisting the urge to smoke again
huddling in bed waiting for a migraine to subside
getting my nails done in metallic purple
looking for an apartment
wishing it was Friday on a hungover Monday
raising my face to the rain on a hot humid day
remembering lost friends and lovers
mental note to pick up Pandora's prescriptions, buy her food, and clean her box
wanting, wanting, wanting to sit on a beach and watch the waves crash
resisting the urge to smash glass
stealing time with my journal to write
finding it's not enough
feeling empty staring at the blank page
careless with words
careless with time
watching the future with it's gaping maw opening wide
my tongue has gone dry
the song is stuck on pause skipping over the same word...want, want, want
the list continues endlessly stretching out unfolding down the street, getting wet under the summer rain.

Hush

Hush. I'm in the middle of a thought.

Reluctant Writer

May was a very busy month with my sister's wedding and it looks like June will be just as crazy.  Lots of big life upheavals are happening. My folks finally put our house up on the market and we've gone through an Open House this Sunday past. Looks like we have quite the interest going for the property but that also means I need to find an apartment, like pronto.  *sigh * Another move. Again. If I think about it too long I just want to bury my head in the sand * ostrich maneuver. *

A myriad of emotions are coming up for me because I grew up in this house.  I had some crazy notion that I was going to be able to buy this house some day but that's far from reality.  I'm trying to come to terms with that reality. Quite frankly, it's too expensive for me to upkeep anyway.  Hmph.

I haven't been able to write.  I write bits and pieces of things but nothing is gelling yet.  I'm not giving myself space and quiet to let something take hold.  Which is frustrating. I continue to journal in hopes that the act of writing out what's going on in this head will make some room for the creative stuff to come through.  But really the trouble is I'm quite blank.  A bit exhausted to be quite honest. I am turned off, tuned out, disconnected from that inner voice.  Writer's Block: When the voices in your head stop talking.  Yep, that's what's happening right now.  Double Hmph.

I've been reading. A LOT.  One of the few things I still get pleasure from and I can lose myself in the writing.  I've tried to write a blog or two on the books I've been reading but it's been hard to keep up since I seem to be devouring titles at the moment.  I finally finished Kathy Koja's Mercury Waltz.  It was quite the feat to finish that one. Despite the fact that Koja is one my favorite writers...this was by far the hardest book for me to read and follow.  It took me two-thirds way through the novel to finally understand what she was doing, jumping from scene to scene.  I may have to read it again some day but for now it's my least favorite book in her collection.

What else? I received my rejection letter from Carve magazine for my short story, Clara Betta.  I turned it around, worked for two solid days revising the piece and sent the story into a contest.  I had to whittle it down from 8,800 words down to 6,000 words.  It was no easy feat but I managed to get the word count down. I feels like I may have whittled it down too close to the bone but I had C. read the piece to make sure I didn't damage the story too much. With her thumbs up, I sent it out again.  Afterwards, drinks to soothe the sting of rejection. I'm going to keep sending it out to see if I can land it somewhere.  The other option is to put it up in my itty-bitty blog in two-parts.  Hmm.  At the end of the day, I just want folks to read my writing.

I've also seen a few films: Ex-Machina, Gemma Bovery, Far from the Madding Crowd.  All decent flicks.  My favorite of the three was the French film Gemma Bovery.  It was far funnier than I imagined. A film by Anne Fontaine.  The lead actress Gemma Arterton was perfect for this role.  

Yep, so this what I do when I don't write...
That's all I have for now.  
Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.