Restless...

My brain is full tonight with thoughts of parallel universes and alternate realities.  We go through life making a thousand decisions big and small and each of them take us down one path or another.  We have encounters or miss opportunities based on those decisions and I think how different would our lives be if we had taken a chance instead of hold ourselves back.  Or if we had held ourselves back when we've leapt headlong down the rabbit hole...only to find ourselves in a dead end reality.  No, this blog entry is not about regrets. It's more about thinking of the larger cosmic reality.  Quantum reality.  The lives we are living in parallel universes and how those lives might have unfolded.

What if I had never lived with one person and had finished my graduate degree earlier?  I would never have met the next person.  What if I had applied and been accepted into Cooper Union to pursue an art degree instead of hiding from that desire? I would never have pursued theater and playwriting. What if I had continued teaching at the college level?  What if I had moved forward without the safety net of a plan B career?  Where would I be now in terms of my creative work? What if I had stayed away instead of going back? Out there in that quantum reality those lives are being lived. Which ones made a go of it?  Which ones crashed and burned?  Which ones are happy and jammin'? Which ones sit in the dark with a laptop asking those questions?  And if I could change any of those decisions, would I have done anything differently?

What a way to fry one's brain in the middle of the night?

This is when those questions come up, late in the night when the apartment is quiet and my thoughts are allowed to run rampant through the grey matter.  They bounce off the walls, make me toss and turn as if I had to make those decisions all over again.  No, thank goodness once was enough.  But there is hunger that stirs in the pit of my stomach.  It burns with ambition...wanting best outcomes. Hell, I don't know if it's work related or life related but...it has sharp teeth.  I want to tamp it down with gin and smokes but why unscrew that cap now.  In the light of day, those teeth retract and I manage to melt into the moving crowds of trains and commuters.  This life...this reality...is too small to appease the hunger.  Must dream bigger...because the soul is restless.



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.