03.25.10

Every once in awhile the writing becomes difficult for me.  The words are forced, the process becomes thick and dense.  The pleasure is sanded down and I can't bear to sit in front of my laptop or write in my journal.  Yesterday, I took a holiday from writing and decided to use some of the art supplies around the studio.  It was completely decadent letting this painting unfold in front of me.  I took my time and the world seemed to disappear.  I used pallet knives to add and subtract acrylics until this piece came into being.  It's been a long time since I've worked on such a large scale, really who has this kind of space in real life.... ;-)   and what pleasure to play with the colors, to angle the knives just so, to mix and streak the white before it turns to mud.  Of course there were mistakes but unlike the frustration I feel with my writing it felt loose and open because the opportunity to correct was half the fun.  The creative self, the part of me that seeks pleasure when I connect was completely satiated.  I spent the better part of the morning and the early afternoon (losing time in the process) to just work.  It's 36 inches wide and 60 inches tall  (1 meter x 1.5 meters).  I tried to keep the paint as flat and as thin as possible since I think I'll probably roll these canvases to take back to NYC.  The smile that keeps bubbling up comes from the center of my being.  I can't wait for the paints that I bought off Tony to come in the mail.  He's moved on to a different medium so he has all these tubes of acrylics....it'll be good see what more comes through then.  I feel like a kid in candy store.  YAY! 


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

03.19.10

Down by the Indian well today,

Sun high overhead, the breeze is cool

Zeus and Venus keep me company

I listen to the rustle of dry leaves

and swaying tree branches. 

In a quiet field a thin wind glides

and green grass sprouts in clumps.  

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

An Odd Day

Today I am off-kilter, floppy, not totally here, not totally there.  The world seems unreal, I woke up a stranger to myself.  Last night, I dreamt I was married to a German man who went out and bought me twin blond eight-year boys when I told him I wanted kids.  We lived in a very white apartment, stark and empty.  I sat in his lap and brushed his blond hair with my hand and told him I thought we would talk things over, I didn’t expect him to buy me boys on a whim.  He didn’t understand why I was protesting, his impatience frightened me and I told him we would make do.  What does that mean?  Make do* of two stolen children, what an odd thing for me to say. 

I lit a fire to burn paper in metal drums.  The flames flicked past the edge and I watched small pieces of burnt paper hover and float away. White smoke escapes.  The sun tried to make an appearance today but the clouds were dense and unforgiving.  

*made a small correction.  Changed DUE to DO.  Who knew?  Wow and I call myself an English graduate.  I think someone is revoking my card-carrying status somewhere.  Thanks for pointing out the oversight.  Keen eyes are always appreciated.  

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Grabbing Bits

Two black crows fly in synch across the yard

on this cold foggy day. A respite  
from our liaison in my head, 
I walk down to the chicken coops

to dump food scraps and collect eggs,

they gather around and scare me away

with their clucking ways.

How sharp are those beaks anyway? 

I meditate at the dream studio,

stretch my neck, tight chords unsung

wooden stick props a jaw bone wide open

teeth sink down, bite-mark scars.

Lilly, the horse, grabby-grabs apple bits

from my hand, pink white tongue scoops up treats

nipping my backpack for more when she’s eaten

them all up.  Patches of green grass sprout

past the yellow pasture.  Scarlet cardinal,

a splash of bright red on this rainy day.

The studio is cold as I work through yoga

asanas, a lopsided tree pose.

A little boy and his dad race up a small hill,

he cries in protest when his daddy takes the lead. 

Ladybug carcasses cover the window ledge.

Only You by Yaz, fills the air with long ago

memories, time to stretch and breathe other-

wise yesterday will imprison me.

I made Earl Grey tea some time ago

but putzing around for so long,

it’s gone cold. Slip and call or write

It’s a good snoozy day,

the kind where you get under a duvet

and watch a movie through sleepy hazy eyes

but I’m still doing the white rabbit dance,

I’m late, I’m late, I’m late for an important date.

Lunch consists of a tuna fish sandwich

with a little mayo, some raw onion, and sweet pickle relish,

it hits the hungry part perfectly.  I keep track of what I’ve done

this week on 3x5 index cards, to keep checking in with myself.

I can let this time escape me

a place of bliss and tranquility

but really who has time for that?

A professor crushed a bit of my spirit last fall,

I’ve been recovering small pieces ever since.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Particulates

Venus takes off chasing cars.

Clouds do not move today

hover low without raining

A blue jay turns dry leaves

flips them away

add words to a page.

A black crow perches

on a white picket fence

dark shadows in the corner.

Dry hands if rub together

sounds like sandpaper

Eastern Bluebird flew up

bright indigo against brown leaves.

Keep moving and stretching,

restless energy starts to sneak up,

a mosquito flies into the window

over and over again. Mix medias, 

make them new again. Atrophied

muscles are being used. Venus

barks and howls outside.

Homemade blackberry jam

with creamy butter on bread.

Altra takes a catnap stretched

across a worktable and books.

 

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Let it be an Elegy on an Empty Stage

A breeze comes in a chilled manner

birds glide in stream lines across

the earth damp from last night’s rain.

Heavy storm clouds move in this direction

seek shelter beneath the house, a crawl space.

Intimidated meeting the blank page

ramble without much direction

icy fingers start to ache

follow behind, pulled along by a thin line

a bright blue sky past large white clouds.

There is something beautiful in a sky full of fluffy clouds

Tea is brewing, I wish there was a couch I can curl up on and write from

My heart hurts, it feels wounded… tight achy spots

too many years of grief rolls me up into a tight little ball

These days my body pushes back.  It’s 12:07 and I am blank.

I feel a little isolated and lonely at the moment

What do you want the story to be about?

About love and utter desolation.

You can’t keep skirting this loss

An empty stage

Start with a woman

putting a chair off center

at an angle and go from there. 

You will know how to fill the space

once you start. She would be silent. 

Why? A sign of repression, self-hatred.

darkness starts looking into you as well

What is the pain level these days?

Walks in the woods, the large open space,

sun prickling my skin turning it pink when it peeks out,

wind in my hair, large puffy clouds overhead,

pulling me out of the dark and twisty place from time to time.

I put the chili on the stove to warm up and grated cheddar cheese to top it.

Ill-equipped to write something meaningful and worthwhile

Art is not about thinking something up.  It is about …getting something down.

I strain, hem and haw, procrastinate, write in circles.  A spiral of misdirection.

Avoiding this lonely time

Avoiding the empty page

Just keep putting words on a page

Resistance is futile

Dim afternoon light mostly covered by clouds.

Asian ladybugs skitter across the tabletop,

keep the creepy crawlies in check.

Altra, the cat, smells of pines needles

seated on the floor beside my chair

with her back towards me standing guard.  

Stark trees look like reaching hungry hands

against the grey skies. A large mug of milky

sweet earl grey tea to keep the memories at bay. 

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Painting Blitz

Let's see today (03.09.10), I wrote 2 paragraphs worth of stuff...one of them went up in an earlier blog.  Then I took a long walk in this heavy overcast day.  When I got back I intended to sit and write for a while but the petulant child inside of me resisted.  She sat in the corner, crossed her arms demanding for something more fun.  Well what could I do?  I've neglected her for far too long.  I scrounged around the studio, found a blank canvas, some paints and brushes.  This pic above was the end product. I painted listening to Nine Inch Nails, yes, I'm kicking it old school.  I forget how changing things up can help get me out of a stuck place.  I feel lighter and brighter for having worked on this piece. The colors are appropriate after such a grey day.  Reds and purples took center stage.  Tomorrow, I'm going to go out to the large equipment shed and see if I can scavenge some loose canvas.  I may be here to write but my spirit is really coming alive as I search for fun things to do.  I've forgotten that word in my vocabulary and here I am trying to reclaim it.  Or at the very least remember it. 

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

03.09.10

Chin in hand, my fingers curl over my mouth and I wait.  I look out the large window into a yellowish field and webbed tree line, watch crows fly overhead until they pass my sightline.  I wait while the heavy grey clouds above race past the hills that lay out to the north.  The only sounds I hear are the skittering of the Asian ladybugs landing on my stockpile of books, electronic toys and art materials.  The scent of sandalwood smoke fills the space to help with the odor that the ladybugs leave behind.  I wait for the voices to gather up but all I hear is silence and it’s deafening.  This quiet time alone without my usual distractions makes me tremble inside. So I watch the naked tree branches sway with each gust of wind that blows through the landscape.  I watch the clouds roll and skim and glide by and I wait for the stories to unfold.   

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Brooklyn Girl Takes a Walk in the Woods...and Gets Lost

My day started off with sunlight streaming in through my bedroom window.  It must have been about 7 am when the light actually woke me up but I rolled over and went back to sleep for another hour.  When I finally got up,  I made myself some country bacon and fried egg for breakfast...and a big cup of earl grey tea with milk...YUM!!  A girl needs her caffeine. 

I thought to myself, today is the day I go out and take a walk around.  I putzed around the studio for a bit, chatted online with Christine G., visited with Katherine who helps Mark with OAC, fed the cat, etc, etc.  Now Mark (director) told me he was going to take me around to show me the paths but I thought well I've walked around the place with Tony so it should be fine striking out on my own...right? Uhm, nope.

The paths were really muddy and the first big hill with the steep incline had me half walking, half sliding down.  I tried walking on the sides of the path where the dry leaves were, however I didn't realize these dry leaves were resting on top of moss and mud and branches.  Right.  Slipping and sliding it was after all.  I almost made it down to the very bottom of the hill without falling when I slipped and fell into a watery muddy mess.  My boot was stuck in the mud, my foot outside the boot tried to find it again so as not to step into the mud with only my sock, my shin is hot and aching where I came down on it.  I wasn't hurt, just a little tumble and a bit of mud on my cargo pants but I was still intact.  I walked toward the first open field and sat down by a water hole so I can pass a hand over my achy shin, it's going to leave a bruise.  I'll take a pic if it bruises up. 

All right, so I remembered there is this old tree on the land and I vaguely remembered where it stood from the last time I was at OAC.  I went in one vague direction and took some pics of it and rested upon it before heading out down another path.  Now Mark had made it very clear that I should stay on the designated paths and believe me when I tell you I tried but I took one wrong turn and I didn't realize I was off the path until I was completely lost.  So now I can't find the path and I am elbow deep in prickly vines...uhm ouch!  I didn't realize they were even there until they started slashing at me.  Argh!  I walked on and I was a bit panicked so I stopped taking pics.  I was just trying to find the trail again.  

I walked around like this for an hour.  I finally found a barbed wire fence and a wide open field, which I recognized.  YAY!  Only then did I realize that I could have used the GPS system on my iPhone to find my way back to the studio.  Live and learn.  

It was a bright beautifully day and I walked around for another hour and just took some time to look around.  Today, I am content and filled with gratitude to be in this space. 


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.