All righty then. I’m still in a bit of a mood but not quite as bad as yesterday. I’ve booked a vacation. All that steam coming out of my ears is truly a sign that I need a holiday. It’s for late spring. Flight is booked. Hotel is booked. I can pay it off in the next three months so I think I’m all set. A little gallery-hopping, museum-hopping, theater holiday outside of NYC. Yay!!
Jumping subjects: I picked up the book “Enough is Enough: Building a Sustainable Economy in a World of Finite Resources” by Rob Dietz and Dan O’Neill. Talk about a little light reading on the train to work.
My brain seems to be turning over several things at once and I’m just capturing moments from it.
Have you ever had a crush on someone so deep that you’d get a knot in the pit of your stomach whenever you saw them? They’d actually make you catch your breath whenever you caught a glimpse of them. Or your heart ached a little when you just knew nothing would ever come of it? Not meant to be. The feeling is so familiar that when it blooms, it reminds me of my ex. The one who I loved on and off for 15 years. The one who when I think of still brings tears to my eyes even after all this time. I’ve been writing this paragraph for the past fifteen minutes and I keep stopping because I could feel a sob start to well up in my throat. Anyway, back to my initial point…the thing with crushes is that they remind me of that deep abiding grief that resides within me. Instead of feeling bubbly and excited about the prospect of someone new entering my life…it just opens up that door. Pandora’s box.
It’s a mild wet Thursday morning and the sun is streaming through the clouds. It’s the kind of day that reminds me of spring. A sharp wind. The smell of wet earth. The sound of birds and squirrels chittering in the trees above me. Crows and pigeons fighting over food debris. I’m hoping the natural world helps crack me open a bit. I’m feeling oddly angry and melancholy today. Going introverted and back into a dark corner in my head. Stuck and frustrated with things. I get that I have the power to change my current situation. * head in hands * Things feel a bit more impossible today. Too much self-doubt coloring my perspective. Strange how just the other day I was talking to someone about some of my past experiences, that conversation reminded me of some of my finished projects and just for a moment I felt proud over the things that I have accomplished in my life. Today, I’m having a major backslide in the other direction.
All I see right now is the half dozen unfinished projects…plays yet to be written, my novel still a mangled mess (on hiatus for three weeks), and scraps of poetry littering the bottom of my purse on pieces of scrap paper and post it notes. I need to finish something or I may just lose my damn mind. I just feel static and stagnating from lack of movement (both physically as well as with the creative work). Spring is coming and it’s a good time to have something in a more finished state to put work out to a larger audience. The brain is on fire with impatience with myself. Yesterday I had a crappy day at work, I went home, stared at my ceiling and listened to Pearl and the Beard. I didn’t have anything left to try to put something down on paper.
One of my exes told me once that she was working some admin job, it paid just enough for rent and food and not much more. Anyway, during this time she was invited to perform one of her pieces at Lincoln Center for one of those up-and-coming play festivals. It was a weekend event, so she had three nights of putting her piece up in Lincoln Center. When Monday rolled around, she had to go back to her cubicle and her admin job, she sat at her desk, stared at her grey walls and did absolutely no work. She told me it was so depressing to have a write-up in the NY Times and to get to do her creative work full on at Lincoln Center of all places and then to have to go back to that cubicle. After a week her boss pulled her in and asked her is she was going to do any work. She was too depressed to really answer and she just nodded at her manager and went back to her desk. She took all the manila folders that were stacked on her desk and pushed them into a drawer, collected her things and walked out of that job. She’s gone on to teach theater and filmmaking in various venues much happier at leaving the cubicle behind, married to a woman she crushed on in high school and living her creative life.
My pragmatic side is having a hard time taking that kind of leap of faith. I want some sort of guarantee that it will all work out. Even as I write that last sentence I have to laugh, I’ve been a creative person since I could string a sentence together and I know to live the creative life means living on faith and perseverance. There are just days when the faith is wearing thin and perseverance is something I used to have when I was much younger. I’m going to chalk this up as winter blues and remind myself that spring will be here shortly.
Anyway, on the music front: Tegan and Sara concert was cancelled on Monday due to illness. Blah!! Rescheduled to play in a couple of weeks.
I’m putting up another Ben Howard video – Diamonds …’cause I can’t get enough of his music.
I’m right smack in the middle of crazy on this Monday morning. I am finally putting the manuscript aside for a couple of weeks. After attempting to write several endings and being thoroughly unhappy with any version, I’ve decided to put it away and clear my head. I spent most of Sunday cleaning my apartment. It’s needed a scrub down. Bathroom, living room and hallways are sparkling clean. Bedroom is still a mess but we’re not discussing that at the moment. I managed to run some errands and buy a much needed laptop battery to replace the warping version that was in my MacBook. Ergh!
I asked the salesperson at the Apple store if they would be able to properly recycle the old warped battery and he said he’d absolutely take it off my hands but he wanted to know if it was leaking contaminants. Without missing a beat and as straight-face as I could manage, I replied, “Probably.” The sales associate took one look at me and burst out laughing. It took him a moment to recover before he went off to look for a compatible battery. It’s always a bit odd at how I amuse complete strangers.
I dashed off to go do some window shopping on Fifth Avenue. There is no point in entering any of these clothing stores because 1) can’t afford it and 2) can’t fit into their very tiny clothing line. Then a visit to Pier 1 to take a look at furniture. My sister announced to me a couple of weeks ago that she’s going to be moving out around mid-summer. * sigh * I’ve had enough time to process that information and not panic (kind-of). Really most of my head space has been occupied over this novel and the news that she was going to move out surprised me enough to bury my head into my story. I sent a few queries out to some friends and I have someone interested in being roommates. So panic has been diverted to looking at the living space and knowing when my sister leaves she’s going to take with her the dining room table and chairs. For the record, I think it’s ridiculous that a dining room table should cost over $1,000. There is no reason why it should cost that much. It’s ridiculous. So I was feeling grumbly over how expensive furniture is, let me revise that, how expensive things are in NYC. And no, I don’t want to buy a table from Ikea. I’m a bit fed up with particle board furniture.
So what’s the alternative? Craigslist? Garage sales? Or maybe, I won’t buy a table. It’s all just “stuff”. Perhaps a bit more bare existence won’t be so bad. This morning, on my way to the train station, one of our neighbors decided to throw out their couch (in the middle of the night) and leave it out on the front lawn of the apartment building. Really? It will snow with freezing rain today and that’s how they decide to dispose of their old couch. People just boggle my mind sometimes.
Tonight I am off to see Tegan and Sara in concert at the Beacon. This duo is a guilty pleasure of mine and I can’t wait to see them live. Yay! Dancing around to live music is exactly what I need to shake off these Monday grumbly blahs. Peace, L~
I write and I paint. Then I try to articulate some coherent thoughts about the creative process on this blog. In between those moments of producing work, I take photos, listen to groovy music, watch indie movies, read (a lot), go hear live music (preferably someone that rocks), go to the theater to see a new play from time to time, watch sci-fi movies, and continue to cultivate my curiosity. Then I write about that too.
