Monday. Bright winter sun. There is a bite to the wind. My face wanted to crack off this morning. Just tucked my chin and kept walking.
I spent the weekend in therapy. Haha. Actually, more like a marathon of Season 2 of Being Erica. A little Canadian show that I loved because it was smart and quirky and it had a lot of heart. Anyway, on this show Erica Strange is going through special kind of therapy and I followed her down the rabbit hole. The show has been off the air for about a year now and watching this show again felt like I was visiting with old friends. Even better I was reminded of when I take things too seriously, I am either caught up too much in the past or worrying too much about to the future and forgetting about what is working in my present. I know I’ve written numerous times of this phenomenon. It seems to be a broken record for me. However, something else I took away from the show was that the grief I feel needs to be felt and it will go away eventually. I felt reassured. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m too hard on myself. Hmmm perhaps.
Talking to my best friend yesterday, he reminded me that when I venture into a new territory I have a tendency to retreat and self-sabotage. Or at least turn the anxiety and insecurities against myself. Yes, very true. Don’t we all? Oh no? Really? Not everyone does that? Trying new things isn’t always very comfortable for me. And I’ve been trying to expand my social circle by dating again. Ergh. I always know that I’m going into unchartered territories when I started doing the cha-cha. You know the moves. Two steps forward, two steps back, one step forward, two back. You get the point. I think what I’ve been failing to mention is that I’m still trying my hand at it…I haven’t quit. There is no YET at the end of that sentence.
Anyway, I know I have a lot of pent up anger and perhaps I should take up boxing or kick-boxing. I need to do something about this high level of aggression coursing through my veins. ‘Cause I can feel my mouth start to pull into a snarl when dealing with people lately. My mild manner façade is starting to fray at the edges.
My personal to-do list is long today. I need to clone myself and have them work on half the list while I work the other half. Or cut my list in half so I don’t quit before I even start. Hehehe. I need to trick myself into getting some work done. What I would rather do is just go home, change my clothes and take a nap. Since that’s not actually going to happen…break the list in half will be more like it.
All for now.
Peace,
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Walking Ghost
All righty then. I’m still in a bit of a mood but not quite as bad as yesterday. I’ve booked a vacation. All that steam coming out of my ears is truly a sign that I need a holiday. It’s for late spring. Flight is booked. Hotel is booked. I can pay it off in the next three months so I think I’m all set. A little gallery-hopping, museum-hopping, theater holiday outside of NYC. Yay!!
Jumping subjects: I picked up the book “Enough is Enough: Building a Sustainable Economy in a World of Finite Resources” by Rob Dietz and Dan O’Neill. Talk about a little light reading on the train to work.
My brain seems to be turning over several things at once and I’m just capturing moments from it.
Have you ever had a crush on someone so deep that you’d get a knot in the pit of your stomach whenever you saw them? They’d actually make you catch your breath whenever you caught a glimpse of them. Or your heart ached a little when you just knew nothing would ever come of it? Not meant to be. The feeling is so familiar that when it blooms, it reminds me of my ex. The one who I loved on and off for 15 years. The one who when I think of still brings tears to my eyes even after all this time. I’ve been writing this paragraph for the past fifteen minutes and I keep stopping because I could feel a sob start to well up in my throat. Anyway, back to my initial point…the thing with crushes is that they remind me of that deep abiding grief that resides within me. Instead of feeling bubbly and excited about the prospect of someone new entering my life…it just opens up that door. Pandora’s box.
That one tiny paragraph above was a lot harder to write than I thought. Okay. Since I didn’t see Tegan and Sara in concert on Monday…I’ve been listening to them non-stop all week. Here is an acoustic set of Ocean.
I’m out.
Peace,
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Jumping subjects: I picked up the book “Enough is Enough: Building a Sustainable Economy in a World of Finite Resources” by Rob Dietz and Dan O’Neill. Talk about a little light reading on the train to work.
My brain seems to be turning over several things at once and I’m just capturing moments from it.
Have you ever had a crush on someone so deep that you’d get a knot in the pit of your stomach whenever you saw them? They’d actually make you catch your breath whenever you caught a glimpse of them. Or your heart ached a little when you just knew nothing would ever come of it? Not meant to be. The feeling is so familiar that when it blooms, it reminds me of my ex. The one who I loved on and off for 15 years. The one who when I think of still brings tears to my eyes even after all this time. I’ve been writing this paragraph for the past fifteen minutes and I keep stopping because I could feel a sob start to well up in my throat. Anyway, back to my initial point…the thing with crushes is that they remind me of that deep abiding grief that resides within me. Instead of feeling bubbly and excited about the prospect of someone new entering my life…it just opens up that door. Pandora’s box.
I’m out.
Peace,
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Backed into a Corner
It’s a mild wet Thursday morning and the sun is streaming through the clouds. It’s the kind of day that reminds me of spring. A sharp wind. The smell of wet earth. The sound of birds and squirrels chittering in the trees above me. Crows and pigeons fighting over food debris. I’m hoping the natural world helps crack me open a bit. I’m feeling oddly angry and melancholy today. Going introverted and back into a dark corner in my head. Stuck and frustrated with things. I get that I have the power to change my current situation. * head in hands * Things feel a bit more impossible today. Too much self-doubt coloring my perspective. Strange how just the other day I was talking to someone about some of my past experiences, that conversation reminded me of some of my finished projects and just for a moment I felt proud over the things that I have accomplished in my life. Today, I’m having a major backslide in the other direction.
All I see right now is the half dozen unfinished projects…plays yet to be written, my novel still a mangled mess (on hiatus for three weeks), and scraps of poetry littering the bottom of my purse on pieces of scrap paper and post it notes. I need to finish something or I may just lose my damn mind. I just feel static and stagnating from lack of movement (both physically as well as with the creative work). Spring is coming and it’s a good time to have something in a more finished state to put work out to a larger audience. The brain is on fire with impatience with myself. Yesterday I had a crappy day at work, I went home, stared at my ceiling and listened to Pearl and the Beard. I didn’t have anything left to try to put something down on paper.
One of my exes told me once that she was working some admin job, it paid just enough for rent and food and not much more. Anyway, during this time she was invited to perform one of her pieces at Lincoln Center for one of those up-and-coming play festivals. It was a weekend event, so she had three nights of putting her piece up in Lincoln Center. When Monday rolled around, she had to go back to her cubicle and her admin job, she sat at her desk, stared at her grey walls and did absolutely no work. She told me it was so depressing to have a write-up in the NY Times and to get to do her creative work full on at Lincoln Center of all places and then to have to go back to that cubicle. After a week her boss pulled her in and asked her is she was going to do any work. She was too depressed to really answer and she just nodded at her manager and went back to her desk. She took all the manila folders that were stacked on her desk and pushed them into a drawer, collected her things and walked out of that job. She’s gone on to teach theater and filmmaking in various venues much happier at leaving the cubicle behind, married to a woman she crushed on in high school and living her creative life.
My pragmatic side is having a hard time taking that kind of leap of faith. I want some sort of guarantee that it will all work out. Even as I write that last sentence I have to laugh, I’ve been a creative person since I could string a sentence together and I know to live the creative life means living on faith and perseverance. There are just days when the faith is wearing thin and perseverance is something I used to have when I was much younger. I’m going to chalk this up as winter blues and remind myself that spring will be here shortly.
Anyway, on the music front: Tegan and Sara concert was cancelled on Monday due to illness. Blah!! Rescheduled to play in a couple of weeks.
I’m putting up another Ben Howard video – Diamonds …’cause I can’t get enough of his music.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
All I see right now is the half dozen unfinished projects…plays yet to be written, my novel still a mangled mess (on hiatus for three weeks), and scraps of poetry littering the bottom of my purse on pieces of scrap paper and post it notes. I need to finish something or I may just lose my damn mind. I just feel static and stagnating from lack of movement (both physically as well as with the creative work). Spring is coming and it’s a good time to have something in a more finished state to put work out to a larger audience. The brain is on fire with impatience with myself. Yesterday I had a crappy day at work, I went home, stared at my ceiling and listened to Pearl and the Beard. I didn’t have anything left to try to put something down on paper.
One of my exes told me once that she was working some admin job, it paid just enough for rent and food and not much more. Anyway, during this time she was invited to perform one of her pieces at Lincoln Center for one of those up-and-coming play festivals. It was a weekend event, so she had three nights of putting her piece up in Lincoln Center. When Monday rolled around, she had to go back to her cubicle and her admin job, she sat at her desk, stared at her grey walls and did absolutely no work. She told me it was so depressing to have a write-up in the NY Times and to get to do her creative work full on at Lincoln Center of all places and then to have to go back to that cubicle. After a week her boss pulled her in and asked her is she was going to do any work. She was too depressed to really answer and she just nodded at her manager and went back to her desk. She took all the manila folders that were stacked on her desk and pushed them into a drawer, collected her things and walked out of that job. She’s gone on to teach theater and filmmaking in various venues much happier at leaving the cubicle behind, married to a woman she crushed on in high school and living her creative life.
My pragmatic side is having a hard time taking that kind of leap of faith. I want some sort of guarantee that it will all work out. Even as I write that last sentence I have to laugh, I’ve been a creative person since I could string a sentence together and I know to live the creative life means living on faith and perseverance. There are just days when the faith is wearing thin and perseverance is something I used to have when I was much younger. I’m going to chalk this up as winter blues and remind myself that spring will be here shortly.
Anyway, on the music front: Tegan and Sara concert was cancelled on Monday due to illness. Blah!! Rescheduled to play in a couple of weeks.
I’m putting up another Ben Howard video – Diamonds …’cause I can’t get enough of his music.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
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