I woke up at 8:20 am today, I actually slept through two alarms…mind you, I have to be in the office by 8:30 so I jumped out of bed and started racing around in circles trying to get things ready to leave for work. I typed my manager a quick note telling her that I woke up late and that I’d be there as soon as I could get there. An icy cold shower to wake me up then grabbing clothes from my closet in quick succession…although I don’t know what I was thinking grabbing a light sherbert green shirt and light brown plaid pants. I’m just going to call it being in a rush but not really sure what the hell I’m wearing today. Ah well, that happens.
The late start and a dull headache have left me feeling underwhelmed today. It’s not a migraine thank goodness so a couple of ibuprofens later and it’s finally gone. But I’m in a foul mood today…my mouth is a crushed line across my face and my jaw is clenched so tight that I have to remind myself to loosen up. What is up with that?
Well, the reality is that I keep hitting a wall with my novel again and again. I was explaining this to a friend on Friday night that it just feels like I’m not smart enough to write what’s in my head. The story in my head is just not translating out onto the page and it’s making me bat-shit crazy! Grrr! *Head in hands * I’ve been steadily working on this novel for the past two years and I’m just not close to finishing it. To be exact, two years and moving into two months and today I just want to quit this project. Seriously!! I want to put the whole manuscript in a drawer and let the dust gather up in its shallow grave. Maybe start on a ten-minute play or even a full-length play for that matter. I’m sure I can write 90 pages of dialogue. I feel completely useless with this novel but there is this cloying part in my brain that won’t let it go. Think squirrel grasping a nut between its claws.
I really thought spending some down time playing in the sun and catching up with things that bring real pleasure would give me the much needed break and clear some head space to come back to the page bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Instead, I feel thwarted at this next new section. It’s not just difficult, it feels impenetrable. So I am sitting in front of this wall trying to figure out what am I going to do now. Hmmm. Another writer friend told me to spend some time daydreaming about it…which is great advice but the story is constantly in my head. It’s going on and on and I am trying to grasp moments from this large narrative and trying to make this novel somewhat coherent. I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that it will never be as good as what’s in my head. Now if someone can tell me how exactly I come to terms with that fact, maybe I can get somewhere. *grumble *
I know, I know, I’ve promised not to gripe on this blog about writing but sometimes I just have to come clean and share exactly where I am in this crazy process. It helps me to put it down on the page ‘cause it means it’s less time in my brain to muck up the works. Anyway, I’ve been listening to Bluesy Rock music today…Raconteur, Black Keys, White Stripes and Jack White are playing non-stop in the background. Shredding guitar riffs and raging drum beats are perfect to wake me up from the pity party that threatens to take hold and render me useless.
That's all she wrote today,
L~
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