Anybody want to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

Today, I’m in a bit of a foul mood. I’m off my game and I can’t quite get back on track. My writing has been off…mostly because I haven’t been getting up early enough to do it. However, I’m feeling overwhelmed (with life/career/writing) and under motivated to make much headway in that realm. I could blame it on the grey days, severing ties with my ex, mild migraines but the reality is that I’m just feeling down and grey myself. It’s too easy to begin a long litany of complaints but what’s the use in that. It does nothing but allow me to spin my wheels for a spell.

I feel antsy, like I have one foot out the door but I have no idea where I’m going. I have a couple of readings coming up at the Bowery Poetry Club and at Launchpad. I’ll send out specifics this weekend. Just need to sit in front of my computer and post it. Eeek!!

I also have some work to do to find some actresses for a 10-minute reading of my play for a showcase at the end of November. Just might poke some friends to help me it.

The job I currently have pays the bills but I miss having time for the creative work. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I know weeks ago I was griping about worrying over money. Now that I have the job, now I’m vexed over lack of time to write * rolling my eyes *. Did I tell you? I bought a little purple African violet for my desk…the poor thing…the environment is too cold for it…it’s getting leggy and the leaves are curling and the little purple buds are fading fast. I may take her home soon.

This past weekend, I was in Boston for the New England Comic Con convention. *Yep, waving my freak flag*. It was cool, I got a chance to see James Marsten and Amber Benson during a Q&A session. I missed hearing Charisma Carpenter speak but que se va hacer. Also Obama was in town and happened to speak at the same convention center. Secret Service gave me the heebie jeebies but that’s just another tangent. Anyway, the weekend was okay but I could feel myself thinking I was wasting time with this distraction. I am impatient and want to make a much needed leap in my creative career. What that looks like…how that will manifest itself…I don’t know yet. Despite the upcoming readings…I just feel like I’m not doing enough, working hard enough, making enough work...writing enough. I feel hard pressed for time and the pressure keeps mounting. Even as I write this...I could feel tightness in my throat. I just drank a bit of hibiscus tea to help with that. God! I love the taste of that tea.

Anyway, I am staring out the window overlooking Times Square and I know I really want to leave New York City and start over somewhere else. I wish it could be in Barcelona or Trieste…away from the States. God! At this point even Montreal or Toronto will do. I’ve been thinking about Vermont as a possibility as well. I just want to live a simple life, work on my art and writing, get rid of my student loans to free up some cash to travel. I still want to go to Paris, Greece, Morocco, and the list goes on but I feel held back from those possibilities at the moment. And I know it’s me, I feel the limitations of that reality right now. I seem to be closed off to the possibilities because my scope / world view is so narrow at the moment. I can’t get past the basic idea of paying bills and staying afloat. I’m just really tired of doggie paddling my way through this career. Anybody want to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

This is where I am today. I hope this feeling will pass. Look at that…the sun is peeking out.
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Another Day, Another Dollar (pronounced dolla')

Let’s see today I did NOT wake up at 5:30 am. Hell, I’m lucky I dragged my butt out of bed today by 7:20 am. I was up late last night watching last season’s episodes of Dexter with Bleu. I meant to only watch one episode and watch another one the next day etc etc. Instead, I watched 3.5 hours worth of episodes. Although, I have to admit that sleeping in felt like a luxury. Seven whole hours, what bliss.

I have to say that the drama keeps playing out in my head. My brain keeps moving around the problems that I know are staring back at me every time I face the page. It’s disconcerting. And I think I may have come up with a tiny solution for one part of the next scene…having some time on my hands in the office, I worked on the scene, wrote up 4 new pages for the next part, and I’m still mulling over what comes next. You see, the 4 new pages is taking the story down the rabbit hole. Where it’s going nobody knows, not even the writer. Again, disconcerting.

This is where I admit what a control freak I am. I really am. Can’t help it. It comes from being the oldest sibling, I think. I’ve been holding on so tight to the story line that I’ve had a hard time letting go of some sequence of events. There are just these moments that I absolutely LOVE now that they are written…I have a hard time changing them/letting them go. Seriously, I wouldn’t be struggling so much with it if I’d just let it flow. If I could be a bit more Zen about it and just stop trying to pin everything down, carve it into stone. What a hard, hard lesson for me. Hehehe. As you can tell, I’m not feeling morose and self-pitying about it…it feels good to be working through this process. I’m learning something new about my craft and about the way I move through a piece of work. Who knows, this play might turn out to be the biggest piece of crap I ever wrote…but at least I’m writing. Usually, I let my self-doubt stop me from making any progress on either the work or the craft. So yay for now!
Today it’s a bright crisp day and life is good ‘cause I’m writing. Peace~



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

I woke up again before my alarm…5:27 am to be exact. I had a hard time getting started with the writing though…my inner critic was awake before I was so she had a good head start. As soon as I broached the page I was absolutely convinced that I will never be able to complete another play again. I have a constant nagging voice that my characters are speaking too directly to the problem and I need to subvert the conversation in some way. But I don’t know how. Hence, why I think I won’t finish this project. So this is what I did, I allowed myself to kvetch for about a page about how I’m too tired and too sleepy to even start working on the play. I even told myself if I can get through one page I can go back to sleep.

The tactic worked. Once I bitched and moaned for a page I looked at where I left off on the scene the last time I worked. It started with one line and it wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as difficult as I thought either. I wrote for about 40 minutes and then I (kind of) got stuck again. I didn’t know what the next line was. I didn’t know how to move into the next scene. I could feel the panic start to rise. I thought to myself maybe I should write to my ex, or maybe I should get my day started and take a shower. Before I let my rising panic force me to run away from the page, I gently told myself, “just stay here for 5 minutes, if nothing comes then you can go take a shower.” And I sat there, in the quiet morning, and the answer bubbled up. I cut a section out to free up the next scene. I still don’t know exactly where it’s going but at least I stuck to it. I find that if I’m a bit more gently with myself I get much better results. So yay for gentle methods!!

Once I cut the section, the writing came out so quickly that I didn’t even notice another 30 minutes had passed. I looked up and jumped out of my chair because it was 7:05 and I had 25 minutes to get ready before I had to catch my train. It felt good to have done the work and my energy was light and airy. The optimism allowed me to enjoy the thin rain in Brooklyn as a hazy light gave everything a quiet hue. I even thought to myself, I should really get up a little earlier to have more time to write. The spirit is willing, the body not so much. Hehehe. Anyway, all for now….serenity now!!

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.