Anybody want to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

Today, I’m in a bit of a foul mood. I’m off my game and I can’t quite get back on track. My writing has been off…mostly because I haven’t been getting up early enough to do it. However, I’m feeling overwhelmed (with life/career/writing) and under motivated to make much headway in that realm. I could blame it on the grey days, severing ties with my ex, mild migraines but the reality is that I’m just feeling down and grey myself. It’s too easy to begin a long litany of complaints but what’s the use in that. It does nothing but allow me to spin my wheels for a spell.

I feel antsy, like I have one foot out the door but I have no idea where I’m going. I have a couple of readings coming up at the Bowery Poetry Club and at Launchpad. I’ll send out specifics this weekend. Just need to sit in front of my computer and post it. Eeek!!

I also have some work to do to find some actresses for a 10-minute reading of my play for a showcase at the end of November. Just might poke some friends to help me it.

The job I currently have pays the bills but I miss having time for the creative work. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I know weeks ago I was griping about worrying over money. Now that I have the job, now I’m vexed over lack of time to write * rolling my eyes *. Did I tell you? I bought a little purple African violet for my desk…the poor thing…the environment is too cold for it…it’s getting leggy and the leaves are curling and the little purple buds are fading fast. I may take her home soon.

This past weekend, I was in Boston for the New England Comic Con convention. *Yep, waving my freak flag*. It was cool, I got a chance to see James Marsten and Amber Benson during a Q&A session. I missed hearing Charisma Carpenter speak but que se va hacer. Also Obama was in town and happened to speak at the same convention center. Secret Service gave me the heebie jeebies but that’s just another tangent. Anyway, the weekend was okay but I could feel myself thinking I was wasting time with this distraction. I am impatient and want to make a much needed leap in my creative career. What that looks like…how that will manifest itself…I don’t know yet. Despite the upcoming readings…I just feel like I’m not doing enough, working hard enough, making enough work...writing enough. I feel hard pressed for time and the pressure keeps mounting. Even as I write this...I could feel tightness in my throat. I just drank a bit of hibiscus tea to help with that. God! I love the taste of that tea.

Anyway, I am staring out the window overlooking Times Square and I know I really want to leave New York City and start over somewhere else. I wish it could be in Barcelona or Trieste…away from the States. God! At this point even Montreal or Toronto will do. I’ve been thinking about Vermont as a possibility as well. I just want to live a simple life, work on my art and writing, get rid of my student loans to free up some cash to travel. I still want to go to Paris, Greece, Morocco, and the list goes on but I feel held back from those possibilities at the moment. And I know it’s me, I feel the limitations of that reality right now. I seem to be closed off to the possibilities because my scope / world view is so narrow at the moment. I can’t get past the basic idea of paying bills and staying afloat. I’m just really tired of doggie paddling my way through this career. Anybody want to buy me a winning lottery ticket?

This is where I am today. I hope this feeling will pass. Look at that…the sun is peeking out.
L~

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