Drawing The Line

Today, I am racked with uncertainty on what to do next with my play, Prodigal. I’m not blocked, that’s really not the problem because the words are coming out. Rather, I’m too hard judging every single syllable that comes out. That kind of criticism makes my writing contract, makes itself smaller instead of allowing the writing to blossom.

On Sunday afternoon I went to a dance showcase given by The Alvin Ailey Dance School, what I found absolutely amazing was the joy that these dancers had for their performance. Each group had different levels of abilities from beginners to more advanced students, ages ranging from young teens to older adults. There were some dancers who kept missing the beat and were completely off tempo but it just didn’t matter. A smile came up from my belly to my face because they were doing their very best and it was joyful. There was a modern piece with more advanced students they had beautiful lines and graceful movements across the stage. Then I watched my sister’s group do their hip-hop number, Vick was all smiles as she went through her number, I know how hard she had worked at getting this piece down and it flowed beautifully. I’m always amazed at watching my sisters do the thing that they love to do. Go Vicky!!

Having written that, I think to myself, how is that I can watch these novice dancers and find joy in them missing steps and yet be so ruthless with myself with my writing? How can I be so gentle and forgiving with others and be so demanding of my own work? There is this twisted part of me that actually thinks snapping the whip will get better results, when all it really does is close me up. It makes me retreat away from the work, the words, the characters and then I’m fit to be tied.

There is this Zen practice in brush painting where students are told to draw a line across a paper. That is all they are supposed to do, just draw a line across the paper over and over again. It’s part of their practice to develop their skills. I know I’m oversimplifying here but bear with me. Now if the parallel practice of “drawing the line” is to write, write and write when does the judging mind ever rest? I write my lines and they never seem to be very good or “good enough”. What is in my head does not seem to be articulated correctly on paper. It is so frustrating! Please note, I’m not saying this for pity or sympathy-sake. Nor is this a matter of having confidence in my work. Rather I understand this is part of the creative process to some extent but dear oh dear does my judging brain need to make it so damn difficult?

After the dance recital, what keeps popping up for me is this idea of “beginner’s mind”. Shoshin is the Japanese concept of approaching work with an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level. These “beginner” dancers that I watched perform gave me a gift with this reminder. Their eager open hearts showed me what has been missing for me when I approach my playwriting. I am always so bright-eyed and excited when I first write up a new draft of some zygot of an idea but when it’s time for hard revisions I start to flounder. I lose my footing and really find myself doubting the work. I tend to be unbearable to both friends and family when I am working through these moments. After all, how do I explain to them that I’m frustrated because I don’t understand yet the motivations or actions that my characters have taken in the piece? Or that I just need some quiet time alone to work through this difficult scene?

Yes well, here I am. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’m going to spend the rest of the afternoon working on Prodigal.
Wish me luck. ;-)

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Gosh, where have I been for the last ten days?  I wish I could say that I was lying on a beach somewhere.  Alas, that has not been the case.  More like hand wringing over lack of a paying job than anything else.  I didn't want to take up too much time on this blog whinging about my worries.  I get to a point where I sincerely want to kick my own ass and can't listen to myself complain one more day.  So I opted to just deal with it.

I had applied to chashama for some studio space and was awarded one.  However, when it came time to sign the lease, my lack of job prospects gave me a serious reality check.  I passed on the space because of the lack of incoming funds.  Wouldn't you know it...four days later I land myself a decent long term temp job in the finance sector.  Are you kidding me?!  I swear, sometimes I think the universe just laughs at me.  If I had just a little more patience and a little bit more faith, I could see the opportunities opening up in my life.  But I am an Almendarez...which means very little patience and a doubting Thomas to boot.  The cup isn't just half empty, but there are microbes in the water too.  

So now my challenge will be to be diligent to schedule time before and after work to spend time on my writing and art. My friend Christine (also a writer) gets to work an hour and a half before her day starts just to get some writing done. How does she do it?  I am SO NOT a morning person.  LOL.  My eyes may be open but my brain doesn't click on until at least 10 am with a couple of cups of earl grey tea.  Hmmm, I wonder if that will help me get past my inner critic....that beotch never shuts up.  

Anyway, I've been warned that this position is a mundane sort of job....which is fine by me.  I'd like to keep some of those brain cells for the creative work.  I get some of my best ideas in office environments.  There is something about the rhythm of repetitive work where my imagination decides to stretch.  I'll just bring my notebook to jot things down.  Also, not worrying about money may help the creative process too.  I've been so up and down that it's a wonder that I get any creative work done.  

Hmmm, so what else?  Ah yes, Prodigal, my work-in-progress.  The play is coming along.  It's always so difficult for me to get started but once I'm in it, I AM SO IN IT. I did some hard edits the last two days.  I spent 5.5 hours writing yesterday. Got rid of the character Carlos.  Deleted Scene 4 altogether and I am now focusing on the three main characters Dylan, Mona and Astrid.   It's tough to get rid of some of the writing but I knew that my focus was tilting towards the wrong characters.  I re-worked Scene 2 between Mona and Dylan and I'm not loving it...but I'm definitely NOT hating it.  That's a good sign.  

Afterwards, I curled up with the novel NADYA by Pat Murphy.  But my head was still working on the play.  I opted for eating sushi and watching a couple of episodes of the Dresden Files.  What a really good show, too bad it was cancelled.  Anyway, I've procrastinated enough with this entry.  I'm going to work on the play for a couple of hours before my sisters come over to BBQ.  

    

Peace~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

A Bit of a Walk

Today I went for a long walk around the neighborhood with my niece Gexy. We stopped off at the bank for some cash so auntie could buy herself an iced coffee to help wake up a bit.  First stop the comic book store.  Yes, this is the part where I fess up to being a bit of geeky fangirl.  I checked the newest issues out and looked around for a good long while.  I picked up an issue of Fables, they retell fairy tales with a modern twist.  Very cool indeed.  I checked out the collectible merchandise and wondered if I should sell my Astonishing X-Men collection written by Joss Whedon for some extra cash.  Mental note to check out market value on them.  I know T would kill me if I sold them before he got a chance to read them.  Hmmm.  Just an idea that popped into my head.

Initially, Gexy and I were going to the library to take out the play The Miracle Worker by William Gibson but the library on 6th and 9th street was closed for renovation.  And neither one of us wanted to go ALL THE WAY to Grand Army Plaza on foot, on such a hot day.

We walked up to the local Barnes and Noble and grabbed a couple of empty chairs with an armful of animation books.  Gexy is really interested in technique so a couple of reference books and some behind the scenes books to some of our favorites like Avatar: The Last Airbender (animation series) and How To Train a Dragon (movie).  They showed some of the concept sketches and how they came up with the story arcs for their projects.  Very interesting to see the first pencil drawings as they developed out each of the characters and how they thought out some of the backstory for the characters.  We sat there for a good long while pouring over the pages.

Finally, we bought a copy of The Miracle Worker and went to find some lunch.  We went to Five Guys to grab a couple of burgers and fries.  Yum!  And off we went walking again.  Stopped off at an office supplies store to soothe my inner organizing diva but for the life of me I completely forgot why I was there.  We looked around, laughed at greeting cards and little toys made in china.  One last stop to the local art supply shop on 7th ave to buy a couple of paintbrushes for me and one sanguine drawing pencil for Gexy and we were out back out walking up the hill to the house.  We kept looking for the tree-lined blocks for a bit of shade 'cause it was HOT out there today.

Now we are lying on my bed (me with my laptop, Gexy with her nose in a book) in front of my fan.  At least it's cooler in the basement. I'm off to write my daily pages and read the Cameron book (part of my daily tasks for each day).

I need a little inspiration....if I could only get out of my own way.  I was up until 3 am last night because my brain keeps mulling over Prodigal.  But every time I meet the page, I go blank. As in. nothing there, no one's home.  Funny but true.

All for now,

Lily



All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.