I Woke Up Sideways Today

I woke up sideways today, that is too say my perspective is skewed and morose. It’s a dark, overcast day and it’s supposed to start raining any minute. Perhaps, I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up to a strange sound in my apartment. As if a swarm of locusts had invaded the living room. Or the sound of bat wings flapping against the living room walls. I might have been dreaming but it woke me straight up out of bed and I could feel a cold fear in the pit of my stomach as I went out into the living room to check. I was actually surprise when there was nothing there other than my cat Pandora sprawled out on the table. After I removed her from the table, I went back to bed and listened to the sounds of fire engines race down the street outside my window for ten minutes. *sigh * It was well after 1:30 before I finally went to sleep only to be woken up by my cat knocking the remote control off my desk and breaking it into a dozen pieces as it hit the wood floor at 5:30 in the morning. I should’ve just stayed up. Anyway, I’m in a rotten mood and despite the strong coffee I’ve had, I’ve been trying to wake up while I listen to Mozart’s opera, Don Giovianni. Dramatic much?

Anyway, I found out yesterday that I didn’t get a writing grant that I tried out for, Ergh! Chalk up another rejection letter. It would have been a substantial amount, one I could have used to allow me some time to write without having to work full time. It’s disheartening to say the least. Intellectually, I know the odds were not in my favor, I was one in 4,000+ applicants. There are folks more established, with more of a track record, hell…with more talent. Every time I get a rejection letter I just grumble and pace in front of my computer. It reminds me of that line in Brokeback Mountain, “I wish I could quit you.” Very dramatic I know. And to be clear, I don’t want to quit because of the rejection letter. I think it just brings up all my old insecurities and they flutter around me, spiral me away from the work. The work that I’ve needed to reconstruct after losing my hard drive two weeks ago. I know its par for the course but damn it to hell I really wish that hadn’t happened. I’m being abstract but not on purpose. The self-doubts double in size on days like this. I begin to question the work and how good or bad it is and whether or not I should be doing it at all. Even as I write this…I’m bubbling up with emotions because there is nothing else I’d rather be doing. But it’s so far from finished. In the two years since I’ve started working on this novel, there are other writers who have written two and three full-length novels. It’s not a race…it’s not a race…it’s not a race.  But the hungry, ambitious part of me wants this project to be done so I can start on the next one. 

So now I am sitting at my desk, my palms pressing into my eyeballs, trying to stop the self-pity from taking center stage. I’m frustrated. I know I promised not to whinge on this blog and for the most part, I do my best to keep a lot of this out but today is the exception to the rule. I’m on edge and I just need to rattle this out in hopes of getting back on track afterwards. I am going to spend the afternoon writing maybe, just maybe, this feeling will pass.

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Inside Out

It's been a long, drawn-out, emotional week and I feel like I've been turned inside out. Brandon's wake was on Wednesday night and they buried him Thursday morning. The family had made posters with hundreds of pics of him at various stages of his young life. The moment when David and Lewis (his brothers) read from two of his favorite books, I lost it.  So did most of the people who came to the service.  It was a grand affair with hundreds of people paying their last respects.  The community had turned out in droves. There have been many articles and many school and community fundraisers in his honor throughout the year and a half he was battling his cancer.  I won't pretend to understand what it's like to lose a child but the loss of my little cousin has had a ripple effect across this family and his community.
Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Screaming Females – Expire

Expire by Screaming Females

If no one’s listening in
I’d like to pull apart the core of you
and squeeze myself back in
and if we can’t make friends
then I will live my life in servitude
and you can watch me give

I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire

Stamp your heels for autumn
‘cause you ought to live your memories
and void and erase the page
and as my cells expand in me
[and shakes the secrecies and sneaks me in]
now I can see

I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire

Every week I wait for you
to bring me home
or break my back
or string me thru the noose
The burning tree and strongest hand
the soil of the earth
depends that I die eternally

I want to have faith in you
be wild and [wander]
I want you to tell me to expire

**please note any lyrics in brackets are my best guess. So I may be completely off despite listening to this song non-stop today.

[2/28/15-I gave a fresh listen to this song this morning and changed the lyrics accordingly. Love to listen to this song back-to-back multiple times.  Sweet!]

********
Today I’m doing what I do best whenever I’m feeling very emotional, I’ve been listening to music in that neurotic, obsessive way that I do. Ged put this link out on FB and I’ve been listening to this song over and over again ever since. So thank you Ged for putting up this link to this song, it totally rocks! I tried figuring out the lyrics as best as I could so I may totally be off with some of it. Anyway, it’s a great song and definitely an East Coast indie band that I will check out live the next time they play in NYC.

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.