Hmmm what am I in the mood to share? Let’s see I have been avoiding working on my novel most of this week. Don’t ask me why. I clearly don’t have an answer to that question. I’ve been doing mostly journal writing which amounts to about 4 pages a day. I seem to be in a negative head space these days and journal writing gives me a space to kvetch. Sometimes getting it out of my system helps to free me up. I’m not sure yet if it’s working but I’ll let you know how I’m progressing on Monday. I can’t believe we are moving into a new month on Monday…I keep hearing that tick, tick, tick of time running out.
I’ve had too much caffeine today and I can feel the buzz, buzz, buzzing of nervous energy coursing through my body.
Let’s see, I’ve also been job hunting for a full time gig, which is always interesting in this economy. I’ve been temping for the past 11 months in the same company and I’d like to do something a little more substantial. I just haven’t figured out what industry yet. My dream job would be to write for television. I have neither the connections nor the portfolio to go into a studio and compete for a post. Then I think, perhaps I can script and video my own project and put it up on public access. It always comes down to funding, funding, and more funding.
*banging head against desk*
I am at a stand still right now. Even now…I’m staring at this screen hoping an answer will come through or pop up. I know I should just work on the novel. Just keep plugging away at it. That should be my priority. But my energies are scattered. My brain is going a thousand miles a minute on job hunting, networking, creating a portfolio, tailoring resumes to key industries. Not to mention the load of laundry waiting for me when I get home tonight.
I think I’m tired. Tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. Tired of low-level positions. Tired of this sucky recession. I know I’m not the only one and I also know that there are people worse off earning lower wages. I get that. I’m just stuck in this weird anxiety over “just-barely-scraping-by.” Four years ago I was at the top of my game working as a technical writer in the IT industry making an actual living from my strongest skill, writing. I won't even go into what today looks like because I'm afraid I will burst into flames from the frustration. Anyway, it is what it is. Onward.
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Pressure...
So where am I? Hmm. It’s hard to admit this but I haven’t worked on the novel. Despite some clever feedback last week and getting excited about a new way to approach the story, I just didn’t/couldn’t write. Lately, it’s difficult to face the page and work on this piece. Good friends keep giving me feedback, advice, book recommendations, blogs, writer’s resources, news sources and that is all well and good but at the end of the day I’ve just hit a roadblock. It’s disconcerting.
It's all self-inflicted. Pressure to work on it and finish it in a timely manner. I’ve been working on this novel for the past 9 months. I get the irony…the story is gestating. And the pressure of not being a good enough writer to finish this project. Crazy-making I know but that is where I am with it. How do I let go enough and really believe that if this is the crappiest piece of work I’ve ever written then it’s a good learning experience? I want this story to be excellent but I’m holding on too tight to that expectation and there is no room for the story to breathe. I mean how could it? I have a strangle hold around its puny little neck wanting the words to come out faster but no space for the words to vocalize. Even as I write these words, I can feel my throat constrict and my neck muscles tighten up. Yes, it’s that visceral and physical for me.
I have to remember to breathe. I find myself hardly breathing these days. At least, I’m noticing the fact that I’m holding my breath a lot. I’ve started taking yoga classes again and good god, I am so inflexible that I feel like I’m going to pop a limb out of a socket as I try to relax into a spinal twist. Not easy for this round body of mine. Actually, I think it goes deeper than that because I’ve managed yoga classes before at this weight. I think it has more to do with how constricted my mind is. How clamped up/shut tight and unwilling to bend. Hmmm. Interesting… I think a dim light bulb went on in the back of my head somewhere.
So despite the lack of writing on the novel, I’ve started on a short story. I needed a place to write and play with language. A place to remind me that I actually “love” to write and I do. I spent the better part of the day working on it and wrote up about 2,000 words. I felt looser for having done it. My uptight neurotic self let go for an afternoon. Is it perfect? Not by a long shot but it’s a decent work in progress.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I feel PRESSURE!
It's all self-inflicted. Pressure to work on it and finish it in a timely manner. I’ve been working on this novel for the past 9 months. I get the irony…the story is gestating. And the pressure of not being a good enough writer to finish this project. Crazy-making I know but that is where I am with it. How do I let go enough and really believe that if this is the crappiest piece of work I’ve ever written then it’s a good learning experience? I want this story to be excellent but I’m holding on too tight to that expectation and there is no room for the story to breathe. I mean how could it? I have a strangle hold around its puny little neck wanting the words to come out faster but no space for the words to vocalize. Even as I write these words, I can feel my throat constrict and my neck muscles tighten up. Yes, it’s that visceral and physical for me.
* Deep breath *
I have to remember to breathe. I find myself hardly breathing these days. At least, I’m noticing the fact that I’m holding my breath a lot. I’ve started taking yoga classes again and good god, I am so inflexible that I feel like I’m going to pop a limb out of a socket as I try to relax into a spinal twist. Not easy for this round body of mine. Actually, I think it goes deeper than that because I’ve managed yoga classes before at this weight. I think it has more to do with how constricted my mind is. How clamped up/shut tight and unwilling to bend. Hmmm. Interesting… I think a dim light bulb went on in the back of my head somewhere.
So despite the lack of writing on the novel, I’ve started on a short story. I needed a place to write and play with language. A place to remind me that I actually “love” to write and I do. I spent the better part of the day working on it and wrote up about 2,000 words. I felt looser for having done it. My uptight neurotic self let go for an afternoon. Is it perfect? Not by a long shot but it’s a decent work in progress.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I’m taking a mental break.
Tonight I am off to yoga.
Afterwards home to spend some time working on rebuilding chapter 3.
I’ve also made a decision to let go of the studio in Harlem.
As excited as I was of having a space to work on my art, it just doesn’t make economical sense to have a separate work space right now
I want to focus all of my efforts on this novel. All of my spare time needs to be about writing, writing, and re-writing so I can get it done.
I’m scaling back to make some room for this creative work.
This feels like the right decision for me right now.
If need be, I can always work on my art in the apartment. My work has started shrinking to about a 10”x10” dimension. Part of it has been practicality. Part of it has been smaller pieces have begun to pop for me. Either way, giving up the studio doesn’t mean I’ll stop painting.
One last thing I wanted to share….check out Florence + The Machine’s, Cosmic Love. Her voice is AMAZING!! I can't stop listening to it.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Afterwards home to spend some time working on rebuilding chapter 3.
I’ve also made a decision to let go of the studio in Harlem.
As excited as I was of having a space to work on my art, it just doesn’t make economical sense to have a separate work space right now
I want to focus all of my efforts on this novel. All of my spare time needs to be about writing, writing, and re-writing so I can get it done.
I’m scaling back to make some room for this creative work.
This feels like the right decision for me right now.
If need be, I can always work on my art in the apartment. My work has started shrinking to about a 10”x10” dimension. Part of it has been practicality. Part of it has been smaller pieces have begun to pop for me. Either way, giving up the studio doesn’t mean I’ll stop painting.
One last thing I wanted to share….check out Florence + The Machine’s, Cosmic Love. Her voice is AMAZING!! I can't stop listening to it.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
And another thing...
Update: So after my fiasco this morning, I came across an article by Rick Gekoski which appropriately enough made me giggle. I recognized myself in the way he struggles with his own writing. The irritability, the abstraction, the wanting to get the phrase down just right, in that moment it became aware again of the kindred spirits out there trying to get down words as fast as one can of the inward voice. And all of a sudden, the frustration I felt this morning didn’t feel so overwhelming or ridiculous. Ahhhh….I am responding to his text in brackets. If you want to read his complete article follow the link here: Writing Is Bad For You by Rick Gekoski from guardian.co.uk.
This portion is only a short excerpt.
“…I'm certain that writing brings out the worst in me.”
[Me too!! Have you read all the whinging texts that I’ve written in the midst of trying to get my head around a project? Trust me, I still write them, I just don’t post them as frequently as I did in the past. Now they are stuck inside a journal.]
“It has become increasingly clear to me…that the more I write the worse I become. More self-absorbed, less sensitive to the needs of others, less flexible, more determined to say what I have to say, when I want and how I want, if I could only be left alone to figure it out.”
[Lately, more often than not, I just want to be left alone to work and think. I may work a day job but my brain is turning over the next scene, the next chapter, what my characters are going to do next and that’s not easy to do when the phone is ringing. No wonder I feel so out of whack when I’ve been away from the page too long. Being out in OAC taught me that I need a lot more quiet time to let the work/words flow out. And the busy-ness of living in NYC can sometimes make it that much more difficult to quiet down enough to hear what comes next. Eeek!]
“… When I am writing I wander in a fug all day, wake in the middle of the night…and stagger downstairs to record a thought or two. Leave the bed with my mind whirling with gorgeously formed sentences…By the time I get to the keyboard their perfection (as it seems to me in my drowsy creative mode) has dissipated, and though I can catch something of what seemed a sensational formulation it is already…only an imitation of the ideal. I fiddle about, rewrite and reconsider, and go back to bed an hour later thoroughly stimulated, dissatisfied, and unable to sleep. I read for another hour. The next day I complain that I am tired, and show all the signs of it: irritability, abstraction, and a tendency to fall asleep on a sofa at any time…”
[Preach on brother-man, if this ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. I think I laughed the hardest in this section because it felt like he was peeking into my life. And that funky sour mood I’m always in…oh yeah, definitely stems from some of this.]
“It is embarrassing, being thus conquered by an inward voice desperate to formulate, reconsider, construct, deconstruct, seek out the right phrase, amend it, think again. And I am only a writer of bits of non-fiction. You'd think it would be easy. Or easier, certainly, than being a novelist. I can hardly imagine what it must be like to be inhabited by many competing voices, ceaselessly reconsidering the flow of a narrative, charting the development of character, juxtaposing one thing with another. It's astonishing that novelists have any social life at all.”
[Well keep on keeping on. For all the creative writers out there…you are NOT ALONE!!]
Peace,
Lily
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
This portion is only a short excerpt.
“…I'm certain that writing brings out the worst in me.”
[Me too!! Have you read all the whinging texts that I’ve written in the midst of trying to get my head around a project? Trust me, I still write them, I just don’t post them as frequently as I did in the past. Now they are stuck inside a journal.]
“It has become increasingly clear to me…that the more I write the worse I become. More self-absorbed, less sensitive to the needs of others, less flexible, more determined to say what I have to say, when I want and how I want, if I could only be left alone to figure it out.”
[Lately, more often than not, I just want to be left alone to work and think. I may work a day job but my brain is turning over the next scene, the next chapter, what my characters are going to do next and that’s not easy to do when the phone is ringing. No wonder I feel so out of whack when I’ve been away from the page too long. Being out in OAC taught me that I need a lot more quiet time to let the work/words flow out. And the busy-ness of living in NYC can sometimes make it that much more difficult to quiet down enough to hear what comes next. Eeek!]
“… When I am writing I wander in a fug all day, wake in the middle of the night…and stagger downstairs to record a thought or two. Leave the bed with my mind whirling with gorgeously formed sentences…By the time I get to the keyboard their perfection (as it seems to me in my drowsy creative mode) has dissipated, and though I can catch something of what seemed a sensational formulation it is already…only an imitation of the ideal. I fiddle about, rewrite and reconsider, and go back to bed an hour later thoroughly stimulated, dissatisfied, and unable to sleep. I read for another hour. The next day I complain that I am tired, and show all the signs of it: irritability, abstraction, and a tendency to fall asleep on a sofa at any time…”
[Preach on brother-man, if this ain’t the truth I don’t know what is. I think I laughed the hardest in this section because it felt like he was peeking into my life. And that funky sour mood I’m always in…oh yeah, definitely stems from some of this.]
“It is embarrassing, being thus conquered by an inward voice desperate to formulate, reconsider, construct, deconstruct, seek out the right phrase, amend it, think again. And I am only a writer of bits of non-fiction. You'd think it would be easy. Or easier, certainly, than being a novelist. I can hardly imagine what it must be like to be inhabited by many competing voices, ceaselessly reconsidering the flow of a narrative, charting the development of character, juxtaposing one thing with another. It's astonishing that novelists have any social life at all.”
[Well keep on keeping on. For all the creative writers out there…you are NOT ALONE!!]
Peace,
Lily
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
writer ripping her hair out
Dear Readers,
I’ve hit a snafu and I’m in a state of shock over my mistake. I was sending some of my newer pages to one of my writing group buddies and I thought I saved the revised version as a new document. I then proceeded to delete the rest of Chapter 3 because I thought I had the older version intact. That wasn’t the case. I deleted 10 pages of work and I had not printed any of it out. I can’t believe I made such a careless mistake. Even now, I keep staring at the list of documents hoping that it shows up. But there is only one Chapter 3 available and it only has 6 pages on it. I am gob-smacked. I can’t believe the rest of the pages are gone. And I know I don’t have a copy of it on my home computer. I’ve been working on my novel online so I haven’t had the chance to download my new pages onto my laptop. *head in hands *…okay it’s official…I’m now having a sucky day. It’s a bit gut-wrenching and although I know where the story is going…to have to recreate those pages…argh! I was going to my studio tonight to paint but going home to re-write that chapter is higher on my priority list. Wish me luck ‘cause I’m gonna need it.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I’ve hit a snafu and I’m in a state of shock over my mistake. I was sending some of my newer pages to one of my writing group buddies and I thought I saved the revised version as a new document. I then proceeded to delete the rest of Chapter 3 because I thought I had the older version intact. That wasn’t the case. I deleted 10 pages of work and I had not printed any of it out. I can’t believe I made such a careless mistake. Even now, I keep staring at the list of documents hoping that it shows up. But there is only one Chapter 3 available and it only has 6 pages on it. I am gob-smacked. I can’t believe the rest of the pages are gone. And I know I don’t have a copy of it on my home computer. I’ve been working on my novel online so I haven’t had the chance to download my new pages onto my laptop. *head in hands *…okay it’s official…I’m now having a sucky day. It’s a bit gut-wrenching and although I know where the story is going…to have to recreate those pages…argh! I was going to my studio tonight to paint but going home to re-write that chapter is higher on my priority list. Wish me luck ‘cause I’m gonna need it.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A little something for your viewing pleasure...
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| 10"x10" Acrylic on Canvas (unstretched) Untitled #2, June 2011 |
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| 10"x10" Acrylic on Canvas (stretched) Untitled #1, June 2011 |
These two pieces come from my studio time last month.
If interested in purchasing one, please contact me.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Enjoy!
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Hello, hello, hello...anyone out there?
I was reminded by a fan *cough, cough, stalker* that I haven’t given anyone an update in awhile. Wow, I’ve been a total slacker. Sorry folks for that.
Well during vacation I came down with an impossible chest cold which had me bed-ridden for the better part of the week. Fevers, body aches, hacking cough, you get the picture? Not a pretty sight. In the midst of this crazy cold, I made it to my studio a couple of times and managed to paint a little. I’ll post pics of some of that work shortly.
As for the novel, *ta-ta-ta-tum dramatic music comes up* I’ve managed to work through Chapter 3 (three times). To be honest, the story has been irksome lately. It keeps moving in a direction that I have no clue about. What is up with that?!! So I keep have to futz with it so it makes sense. And the new turn of events has me creeped out. Yes, as the writer elements of it creeps me out. After I wrote up this last scene, I was trembling and upset that my protagonist went through something super-violent. I keep having to remind myself to trust the process. Trust? Trust: confident expectation of something; hope. Hmmm no wonder I am stumbling…I have to be hopeful that it will all turn out okay. I’ll have to mull over that bit in my spare time while I work through another edit of chapter three.
Then last week I went back at work (day job). What can I say about it now that won’t make me sound like I’m whinging? This week is a shorter week but I feel a nervous tension coiling up in my belly these days. I think I have to start laying off the iced coffee. Too many hits of caffeine has me climbing my internal/mental walls. Ick!
So this week my goal is to make it through Chapter 3 one last time and move through Chapter 4. I think I can do another chapter, just have to put my head down and get to work. So that is what I’m trying to do…I’ll write more tomorrow to update on the progress.
Peace,
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Well during vacation I came down with an impossible chest cold which had me bed-ridden for the better part of the week. Fevers, body aches, hacking cough, you get the picture? Not a pretty sight. In the midst of this crazy cold, I made it to my studio a couple of times and managed to paint a little. I’ll post pics of some of that work shortly.
As for the novel, *ta-ta-ta-tum dramatic music comes up* I’ve managed to work through Chapter 3 (three times). To be honest, the story has been irksome lately. It keeps moving in a direction that I have no clue about. What is up with that?!! So I keep have to futz with it so it makes sense. And the new turn of events has me creeped out. Yes, as the writer elements of it creeps me out. After I wrote up this last scene, I was trembling and upset that my protagonist went through something super-violent. I keep having to remind myself to trust the process. Trust? Trust: confident expectation of something; hope. Hmmm no wonder I am stumbling…I have to be hopeful that it will all turn out okay. I’ll have to mull over that bit in my spare time while I work through another edit of chapter three.
Then last week I went back at work (day job). What can I say about it now that won’t make me sound like I’m whinging? This week is a shorter week but I feel a nervous tension coiling up in my belly these days. I think I have to start laying off the iced coffee. Too many hits of caffeine has me climbing my internal/mental walls. Ick!
So this week my goal is to make it through Chapter 3 one last time and move through Chapter 4. I think I can do another chapter, just have to put my head down and get to work. So that is what I’m trying to do…I’ll write more tomorrow to update on the progress.
Peace,
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
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