Feeling the Crazy

So yesterday wasn't a good day...my computer crashed and is currently out of commission, a friend finally called quits on our friendship, and my brother Bleu decided that my needing system disks overnighted to me wasn't a high priority and waited until a quarter to five to post the much needed disks.  Yesterday, I was calm and really took all issues in stride. 

Today, I'm feeling the crazy.  My teeth are on edge because I'm thinking the worst case scenario regarding my computer (despite reassurances from Tony) and I'm kicking myself for NOT having backed up my computer in  three weeks.  I won't receive the disks until Saturday so I have another day to worry that I've lost three weeks worth of written work...not to mention that my whole life is in that MacBook.  I know, I know I'm being melodramatic but like I wrote earlier I am feeling the crazy.  The rational part of me knows that I at least have a back up drive...so that if this computer is fried I have at least some semblance of work stored.  It's scary to think of needing another computer right now and shelling out a grand to buy another Mac.  And yes I'm a die hard Mac user...a PC will not suffice.  (That just made me giggle, I sound like a Mac commercial.)  I have an old titanium powerbook that I could brush the cobwebs off of at home but that system overheats so much to the point of being almost useless.  * sigh *  Do you see what I mean? Watch as head spirals into the bad dark place.

Today I didn't want to get out of bed to face my day.  I really didn't.  It's cold and raining again as it has been for the past three days or so and it's supposed to rain the rest of the weekend.  I forced myself to get up.  Took a shower, ate some oatmeal, had two mugs of earl grey tea and I forced myself to go out and take a walk.  I walked a couple of steps out into the world and the earth is soaked and muddy.  My inner whiner wailed at the prospect of going any farther but I forged ahead.  I walked down the path and left some apple pieces on a flat rock for the very many squirrels and rabbits.  That did make me feel a little better.  I kept walking but I was so focused on watching where I was going (muddy, slippery path) that I startled a large animal. I didn't even get to see what it was...it was grey I think and it made a weird sound as it ran/flew (?) away.  All I saw was a dash a fur or feathers (?) and the wake of branches moving down the path where it to took off.  I was so busy trying not to fall on my ass...I might have missed a sighting of Big Foot.  LOL!  But I'll never know now.

I meant to take food scraps down to the compost heap and realized at the bottom of the hill that I forgot the pail.  I told myself I'd do it tomorrow.  I knew that if I went back to the studio...I'd just go back to bed.  Hehehe.  It's TRUE!!  So it's still raining but I stop and say hi to the cows....one made this weird coughing noise...do cows cough? do they get colds?  Trust me I've seen the runny noses, ick but is that a sign of cold or just normal body function for them?  It's strange the kinds of questions that pop up in my head whenever I encounter an animal. 

I digress, so I went to the dream studio, my jeans completely soaked from my knees all the way down to my toes...my boots are no longer waterproof apparently and my socks were soaked.  I sat on the floor, lit a stick on incense,and  hoped the smell of sandlewood would calm my damn nerves.  I pulled out Carol Lloyd's book, Creating a Life Worth Living: A practical course in career design for artist, innovators, and others aspiring to a creative life. I've been working through the exercises trying to figure out creative goals and practical plans for the future.

Today's chapter centers around the Daily Creative Process. It helps me self-assess my daily routine, what motivates me, what attitudes I have about the creative process.  Right! so she has this little checklist of unhealthy processes and I came across something she calls the Ambition Virus.  OMG!! She may have written this portion directly to me.  She talks about my trouble with procrastination, check; feeling like I'm playing catch-up with time, check; feeling like I've wasted years and now I have to make up for it by working like mad, check; I have lots of regrets, Hello! Big Double Check; booming judgmental voice in the background whenever I've made a "bad" move, Holy Hell! Big Ole Check...and it goes on and on and I can see how sometimes my relentlessness takes the joy out of the creative process for me.  So a suggestion to counteract this little virus was: "Actively reign ambition in....your new motto must be 'in search of mediocrity'".  WHAT?!!! I actually laughed.. Seriously?! I laughed out loud and thought to myself there is NO WAY I'm in search of mediocrity...sorry nope, can't seriously wrap my head around that AT ALL!  And of course, as soon as I felt the resistance in my body, the observer in me thought, "huh, interesting, what's up with all this resistance."  Good god...all this introspection is making me mad (crazy-not angry).

Anyway, the Lloyd chapter helped divert my mind from the tension earlier.  I can't really write about letting go of a friendship...it's a fresh cut so I'll leave it there.  But the rest, I can manage.  So now I'm off to go figure out some healthy creative processes to take back to NY with me.  How can I take what I've learned out here at OAC back out into the "real world"?  This place has felt like a sanctuary and I want to continue finding healthy ways to "focus on the enjoyment of the act" of creating.  Sweet!!
 

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