Dancing with the Devil

I've been here two months and four days now.  I have 27 days left here at OAC.  I've had some really good moments and I've had some of my inner demons make an appearance.  Being so isolated out here in Belle, MO has allowed for all those old insecurities to creep out in order to be addressed and it hasn't always been easy.  Tony encouraged me to write about it but I always feel a bit self-conscious of putting out there how I struggle with my creative work.

Most of my life, I've looked for external validation to put worth and value to myself and my work.  Some may argue that self and work are two separate entities but I have it fixed in my mind that I had to produce work to be of value.  In my family, what you accomplish is so much more important than who you are as a person.  Having the time now to seriously take a look at this core belief has rattled me down to my very toes.  It's been uncomfortable and disconcerting and I know I have pressed friends for words of encouragement to get me through some of my darker days.  The problem is I was playing into my old way of being, looking outside of myself to see me through the eyes of my friends and family.  I know this is an oddball thing to write but...I'm not really sure how else to put it. 

I shy away from criticism.  I've been told that I need thicker skin, perhaps that's true.  It still doesn't discount the fact that painting and writing leaves me feeling terribly exposed and vulnerable.  Especially, when the work is freshly painted or at its inception stage of becoming something.  Whatever that might be.  My Cancer crab ways makes me want to retreat into my hard shell to prevent feeling so exposed.  Hmmm. 

Having written out all of that...I now have to say that (for the record) this residency has been pretty amazing.  I would never have been able to face some of those demons at home.  I have so many distractions that I could bury my head in the sand and ignore the bad feelings until they went away.  Instead, I am able to feel bad, as bad as I have to feel and still write and paint.  No distractions. 

I especially love it when it's a bright day outside and a warm wind is wafting into the studio space.  I start to paint or write and the world falls away.  I look up and 5 hours have slipped away and I'm exhausted but satisfied with myself.  Those are the moments when I don't question who I am and what I'm worth.  Now how do I do that on a more consistent basis?  I know, I know...it takes practice.  Yes, I've rolled my eyes...I am impatient.

I feel time racing away from me.  This months will go by very quickly and I want to get as much work done before its time to leave.  That's the New York neurotic in me.  However, the sun is out today, the sky is bright blue, and Cat and Vick brought by a hummingbird feeder....too sweet!!  I'm going to finish my second cup of tea,  take a book to the chaise lounge on the porch to take in some sun and to read for a little while.


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