I can't sleep. My brain won't turn off and it's too hot in my room. Which makes for a very cranky version of me, up at 1.09 am.
Almost as soon as I started to write these words my mind turned off.
It's a fine line between giving my brain a chance to get things down and out AND forcing sleep upon it.
I'm restless...I don't know what I need...I don't know what I want.
I even walked 3 miles today just to tire myself out a bit. That plan did not work.
I'm in that weird space of wanting to quit. Quit school, quit classes, quit working on my writing, quit having ambition for it, quit the uncertainty, *sigh* I know I'm whinging. I can't help myself when I am tired and frazzled at the same time.
A mosquito just flew by my ear...which means I will not get any rest until it's dead.
Even the presence of it makes my skin itch.
I know this is all minutia but it can't be helped. As long as my brain is on auto-pilot, this is my version of just sitting with it.
I've run out of things to say and I'm staring blindly away from the bright computer screen.
Damn, I just got stung by the mosquito....argh! Sleep is a losing battle tonight.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
06.29.09
Today, on this Monday afternoon, I am tied up in knots inside. I am joking around with classmates that I'm giving myself two weeks notice and that I want a vacation from myself. I have this odd anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach now that classes are over for the summer. There is space to breathe and I don't know what to do with myself. So I sit here in the writing center, writing it up on this blog.
I joke around about having a personal assistant. Someone to make decisions for me. Someone who is highly organized and can take care of all of those little details that I let slide, like working out and having fun. Hehehe. I know it's all very absurd but I have forgotten how to have fun. How to manage a little levity in my life. It's been about school and assignments and internships and graduate assistantship and doing laundry and it's gotten a bit boring and a bit blah << that's the technical term.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a laugh going out with some classmates and having a beer or two...or three with them this past Thursday. But...but...I am always a little afraid when I don't have some structure in my days. I feel like I will flounder and waste time. And I can't afford to waste time, I feel like the white rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date." There are things to get done, plans to think about, a thesis to work on, and really things just feel so up in the air lately. How do I ground myself? I already know what T is going to say, "Just write Lily." I get that and I am...see me writing on my blog right now...but I feel the worry in my body. I feel it welling up in me and making me twist and writhe.
Perhaps, I need to create a schedule for myself. Like make an appointment to show up for working out, taking a swim, writing, etc. Good Lord! I could use a swim in the ocean, getting some much needed sun right now. The weather is heating up and my body wants to MOOOOOOOVE. Yikes!
So, I have an hour left for this place and then I'm going to walk home, perhaps pass by the park and enjoy the breeze. I don't think I can bear getting home and having a group of screaming, crying toddlers at the moment. I don't want to hide from them...just don't want to deal with a house full of children. I'm praying for some patience and some guidance.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I joke around about having a personal assistant. Someone to make decisions for me. Someone who is highly organized and can take care of all of those little details that I let slide, like working out and having fun. Hehehe. I know it's all very absurd but I have forgotten how to have fun. How to manage a little levity in my life. It's been about school and assignments and internships and graduate assistantship and doing laundry and it's gotten a bit boring and a bit blah << that's the technical term.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a laugh going out with some classmates and having a beer or two...or three with them this past Thursday. But...but...I am always a little afraid when I don't have some structure in my days. I feel like I will flounder and waste time. And I can't afford to waste time, I feel like the white rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date." There are things to get done, plans to think about, a thesis to work on, and really things just feel so up in the air lately. How do I ground myself? I already know what T is going to say, "Just write Lily." I get that and I am...see me writing on my blog right now...but I feel the worry in my body. I feel it welling up in me and making me twist and writhe.
Perhaps, I need to create a schedule for myself. Like make an appointment to show up for working out, taking a swim, writing, etc. Good Lord! I could use a swim in the ocean, getting some much needed sun right now. The weather is heating up and my body wants to MOOOOOOOVE. Yikes!
So, I have an hour left for this place and then I'm going to walk home, perhaps pass by the park and enjoy the breeze. I don't think I can bear getting home and having a group of screaming, crying toddlers at the moment. I don't want to hide from them...just don't want to deal with a house full of children. I'm praying for some patience and some guidance.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Waiting…
Daybreak looms in the horizon. Why agonize over running out of time? Drag out the seconds by repeating secular Psalms. The candlewood is burrowing a hole in my hand. A counterfeit life has taken on a favorable margin. Don’t write it down, the promises may expand.
I envy the way you welcome pleasure. Everything stays the same in this letter to you. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. Break apart my skull and glance in, I think something is jammed. You wear your grumbling mood to protect yourself against me. Isn’t it time to flip the script yet? Speak softly if you want to charm me back into your decent graces. I think something is jammed. Quick, break me open and repair the broken bits. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. You enjoy life so intensely I envy you. I think something is jammed. We keep meeting at this intersection. Speak softly…the charm is starting to wear off.
We wait at the crossroads with a snack and an umbrella. Multiple waves of chimerical visions wash over us. You lose sleep over wasting time. Remember to pack boysenberry jelly sandwiches in case we get hungry. The clock on the wall has knotted up its hands into a clamped fist. The apple has a worm. Can you tell if you’ve eaten its head or its tail? How long should we wait for the storm clouds to gather? The sands continue to sift through slotted eyes. Neither one of us has a chance against the distortions.
You cut the dragons loose and left us unprotected. We have ten conversations between us to wrestle loose from each other. The signs have been collected, weighted, and dispatched via messenger. We have waited for the thunderclap to kick us into gear but we have not taken refuge. Instead, we stand there in the green light of a pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone, looking to the other for shelter.
***
Again I've been reworking some of the smaller pieces I finished a month ago and trying something out. Hmmm. Several lines surprised me so that's always exciting. Enjoy!
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I envy the way you welcome pleasure. Everything stays the same in this letter to you. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. Break apart my skull and glance in, I think something is jammed. You wear your grumbling mood to protect yourself against me. Isn’t it time to flip the script yet? Speak softly if you want to charm me back into your decent graces. I think something is jammed. Quick, break me open and repair the broken bits. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. You enjoy life so intensely I envy you. I think something is jammed. We keep meeting at this intersection. Speak softly…the charm is starting to wear off.
We wait at the crossroads with a snack and an umbrella. Multiple waves of chimerical visions wash over us. You lose sleep over wasting time. Remember to pack boysenberry jelly sandwiches in case we get hungry. The clock on the wall has knotted up its hands into a clamped fist. The apple has a worm. Can you tell if you’ve eaten its head or its tail? How long should we wait for the storm clouds to gather? The sands continue to sift through slotted eyes. Neither one of us has a chance against the distortions.
You cut the dragons loose and left us unprotected. We have ten conversations between us to wrestle loose from each other. The signs have been collected, weighted, and dispatched via messenger. We have waited for the thunderclap to kick us into gear but we have not taken refuge. Instead, we stand there in the green light of a pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone, looking to the other for shelter.
***
Again I've been reworking some of the smaller pieces I finished a month ago and trying something out. Hmmm. Several lines surprised me so that's always exciting. Enjoy!
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Brash howls the nighthawk
Brash howls the nighthawk. Thin branches bend in a penitent way. Night sets in an unforgiving fashion. Fall asleep at the wheel while indigo visions tunnel me blind. We are never far from our true nature despite evidence to the contrary. Drama manuals are drawn up on crisp white linen sheets. Bedstead rules break while wearing maroon fingernail polish. Your sex is distracting me from ending things between us. Pylon pieces smash upon the hearthstone. If you happen to pass my life on the street, grab her and drag her home. I believe in terrible ghosts from strange places and the paper monsters that dangle from string. Your frailty skim my hands and I believe in my foolishness to make you burst into laughter. If you look out the window, a hovel burns down the stretch with licking flames. Your departure has left careless marks against my questions. Snail-slouching murmurs gather where raindrops have pooled. A metallic taste lingers on the tongue when there is talk of kinship. Thoughts hunker down; silence floats freely along an undercurrent.
*****
My thoughts:
One of the things I've been contemplating is the fine line between short versus long poems. This piece is an experiment of taking lines from shorter pieces and mixing them up together. Lewis gave me some decent feedback about the prose poems I submitted and I find the way these lines mash-up against each other working in a way I hadn't thought before. So if you recognize lines from earlier drafts you know why. Poets recycle, recycle, recycle to mine those gems.
****
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
*****
My thoughts:
One of the things I've been contemplating is the fine line between short versus long poems. This piece is an experiment of taking lines from shorter pieces and mixing them up together. Lewis gave me some decent feedback about the prose poems I submitted and I find the way these lines mash-up against each other working in a way I hadn't thought before. So if you recognize lines from earlier drafts you know why. Poets recycle, recycle, recycle to mine those gems.
****
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
06.16.09
Ai-ya-ya-ya
Two more weeks left of summer session classes...
two more books to read...
one more 2-page journal entry to write...
one more creative piece to muster up...
6 more writing center sessions...
and then I'm off.
I mean completely free to work on my thesis.
Hoorah!
I'm sure I'll whinge away at being bored in a couple of weeks but for right now...
2 more weeks is my light at the end of the tunnel.
Tunnel me blind baby!
******
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Two more weeks left of summer session classes...
two more books to read...
one more 2-page journal entry to write...
one more creative piece to muster up...
6 more writing center sessions...
and then I'm off.
I mean completely free to work on my thesis.
Hoorah!
I'm sure I'll whinge away at being bored in a couple of weeks but for right now...
2 more weeks is my light at the end of the tunnel.
Tunnel me blind baby!
******
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Monday, June 1, 2009
06.01.09
I've gotten home at the very early hour of 3:33 pm in the afternoon.
Lying on my belly on my bed as I write this freewrite.
Pandora is gnawing on the leathery parts of my black suede sneakers and I'm just not stopping her. She wants me to feed her.
I found a sunny spot in the Writing Center to do some journal writing...summers are slow, we've had three students in two weeks. I enjoy the hushed tones of the place. The quiet space to think and write.
Bleu is in his room strumming chords on his guitar and I can hear the children in the backyard yell and roar and cry as they play. Mami and Magdelena are chatting in Spanish while they keep an eye on the kids. Mami sings to them "suve a mi moto" didn't Menudo sing that song?
My 5.30 date with S. has been cancelled so I'm here trying to rev myself up to do work / start homework / do some reading / write some poetry / work on a scene for my playwriting group / clean my desk / write out my to-do list or at least figure out what needs to go on a to-do list.
What I'd rather be doing is chat with Sam, watch back episodes of Eureka on Hulu, go to the beach, go for a swim, go for a walk, listen to music, sleep, hmmmm.
So I lie here on my belly...watching the clock tick tick tick away. Why do I feel like I'm running out of time?
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Lying on my belly on my bed as I write this freewrite.
Pandora is gnawing on the leathery parts of my black suede sneakers and I'm just not stopping her. She wants me to feed her.
I found a sunny spot in the Writing Center to do some journal writing...summers are slow, we've had three students in two weeks. I enjoy the hushed tones of the place. The quiet space to think and write.
Bleu is in his room strumming chords on his guitar and I can hear the children in the backyard yell and roar and cry as they play. Mami and Magdelena are chatting in Spanish while they keep an eye on the kids. Mami sings to them "suve a mi moto" didn't Menudo sing that song?
My 5.30 date with S. has been cancelled so I'm here trying to rev myself up to do work / start homework / do some reading / write some poetry / work on a scene for my playwriting group / clean my desk / write out my to-do list or at least figure out what needs to go on a to-do list.
What I'd rather be doing is chat with Sam, watch back episodes of Eureka on Hulu, go to the beach, go for a swim, go for a walk, listen to music, sleep, hmmmm.
So I lie here on my belly...watching the clock tick tick tick away. Why do I feel like I'm running out of time?
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
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