06.29.09

Today, on this Monday afternoon, I am tied up in knots inside. I am joking around with classmates that I'm giving myself two weeks notice and that I want a vacation from myself. I have this odd anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach now that classes are over for the summer. There is space to breathe and I don't know what to do with myself. So I sit here in the writing center, writing it up on this blog.

I joke around about having a personal assistant. Someone to make decisions for me. Someone who is highly organized and can take care of all of those little details that I let slide, like working out and having fun. Hehehe. I know it's all very absurd but I have forgotten how to have fun. How to manage a little levity in my life. It's been about school and assignments and internships and graduate assistantship and doing laundry and it's gotten a bit boring and a bit blah << that's the technical term.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a laugh going out with some classmates and having a beer or two...or three with them this past Thursday. But...but...I am always a little afraid when I don't have some structure in my days. I feel like I will flounder and waste time. And I can't afford to waste time, I feel like the white rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date." There are things to get done, plans to think about, a thesis to work on, and really things just feel so up in the air lately. How do I ground myself? I already know what T is going to say, "Just write Lily." I get that and I am...see me writing on my blog right now...but I feel the worry in my body. I feel it welling up in me and making me twist and writhe.

Perhaps, I need to create a schedule for myself. Like make an appointment to show up for working out, taking a swim, writing, etc. Good Lord! I could use a swim in the ocean, getting some much needed sun right now. The weather is heating up and my body wants to MOOOOOOOVE. Yikes!

So, I have an hour left for this place and then I'm going to walk home, perhaps pass by the park and enjoy the breeze. I don't think I can bear getting home and having a group of screaming, crying toddlers at the moment. I don't want to hide from them...just don't want to deal with a house full of children. I'm praying for some patience and some guidance.



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