Okay, I admit it. I’m wound up pretty tight. I care about being efficient and meticulous and uber-organized with work (doesn’t really translate to my creative life but we’ll get back to that in a minute). It’s in my DNA, I’m first-born and I grew up as a latch-key kid because both parents worked several jobs to make ends meet. I looked after my younger sisters, I cooked dinner for my folks, me and my sister cleaned the house spotless because that was the expectation. It made me self-sufficient and I get things done. In the past, I would use work as my refuge from the chaos that permeates my life. Some of that chaos is self-perpetuated and some of it is not. With my hyper-focus set on the work place, I’ve allowed things to slide in my personal life. Ooo even as I write these words, I could feel a wave of panic clutch my throat.
My friend Tony told me this story during one of my meltdown moments over work (many years ago):
One day Tony’s mother asked him to clean out the wood stove. He was a teenager at the time. It was not his favorite job because it was both messy and time consuming. Anyway, his mom was really getting on him to take care of this chore and she also asked his sister to clean it out as well. Neither jumped at the chore. Finally, Tony gave in and cleaned out this old wood stove, cleared out the ash and the debris, and scrubbed it clean. It took him a really long time but by the end it was in the best condition it’s looked in years. His mom was so impressed by what a good job he’d done on the wood stove that the next time it was his sister’s turn to clean the wood stove and his sister made a fuss, she turned to Tony and asked him to take care of it because he had done such a good job the last time. Hehehe. (I love this story)
Whenever, I try to “clean the wood stove too well” at work, he gently reminds me what happens. Expectations start to pile on. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if my day job was in line with my career path. Instead, this job affords me to pay rent, buy groceries and still allow me to work on my creative work. I’m grateful for the steady paycheck but I know, like all things, this job is temporary. I’m not stating this from a Buddhist perspective but quite literally this is a temp job that will have lasted two years come this August. *knock on wood *
My initial point to this blog entry is I’m working on taking care of myself now (way to bury the lead). I think I’m finally learning that pouring all my neurotic efforts into the day job won’t add value to my life…not really.
What will add value is paying attention to:
my health (I’ve started to take measures on getting my weight down by eating better and exercising regularly)
to my creative life (because that is where I thrive when I do it consistently)
to my spiritual life (I’ve been training in shaman studies)
a more mindful practice of living in the present moment
and better relationships with my family and friends.
I think all these components have been swirling high over my head and I was delaying the inevitable of putting it into practice. After my weekend retreat away from the city, things began to quickly click into place. I'm taking things in stride a bit better, I feel more awake/alive, I'm having more pleasurable moments (always a good sign). I try to add a little bit more action to those elements into my life every day and it’s made such a huge difference in such a short amount of time. I am very pleased *big cheesy smile *
Last bit, I'm going to take a month-long haitus from writing blog entries in August. I can't promise that I'll stay away entirely but I won't be writing as regularly. I just need some time to put fully into practice some very new habits.
Peace,
L~
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