Tonight, I'm feeling a little lost.  I feel like a hamster spinning in my wheel going nowhere fast.

It's strange to think that particular image with everything "right" that has been going on in my life lately.  The NYFA Entrepreneurial workshops have been amazing, my writing group is quite wonderful, my creative meetings with my best friend T keeps me focused and positive but I feel stretched thin.

I've also been working on a event "on the side"  for the Fall but the specifics have been a bit sticky and I'm coming up against resistance.  For the record, I dislike when obstacles are thrown up in the way.  I get a bit cranky over it and really there is a part of me that just wants to raise my hands and give up on that particular project. But on principle alone, I don't want to do that.  I tend to meet obstacles as brick walls and I stand there, scratch my head and think to myself, "how high is this wall?"

I keep weighing the pros and cons over whether or not to move forward with it.  Perhaps all these no's means it's not something that I should expend my time and energy on.  I miss my events partner-in-crime right now but alas she is away on holiday. I need to gripe, complain or thrash this around with her and figure out if this is something we should even do.  Argh!!  No easy answers at the moment.  I'll just have to wait another week before I can talk it over with her.  I am sitting here waiting for the wave of frustration to subside.  Perhaps, there will be some divine intervention on the matter.

Pandora decided this was the moment to squish her body against my left thigh and sprawled out.

I feel like I'm missing something.  Like something's not quite working. It's an uncomfortable nebulous angst.  I've been pointing to the Event as if it's the reason but it's just a symptom of not feeling centered. Not feeling right.  Not getting enough work done.  What's up?  I think it's time to put some words down in my journal to see if I can sort this out.  Otherwise, I'll be up half the night tossing and turning.

Peace. x.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Let's see, I did not work on my goals nor my website yesterday or today.

Instead, I went to check out an apartment to rent with my sister in Crown Heights.  The place is still under construction and it's very cute but not really ready for tenants.  It's a 2.5 bedroom apartment but the place is narrow.

I feel a bit pinched for time and money lately.  Isn't everyone these days?  I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have and instead trying to focus on the roof over my head, clean drinking water, food in the fridge, a fan to keep me cool, and a working laptop.

But I can't help feeling stretched thin.  Stressed about my future.  It's a looming void of unknowns right now.  Being the self-proclaimed control-freak that I am, these unknowns feel outside of my control. Transition times are so disconcerting for me.  Looking for a new place to live, a new way to bring income into my life, writing, creative work, readings, writing groups, website work, figuring out goals...it's a lot right now.  I know it will all work out (I guess) but I can't help feeling a bit unsure of how things will unfold.
 
I am taking a deep breath, hoping for the best, and investing more time into the creative work.  At the end of the day, it's the thing that centers me, makes me feel whole, takes me away from the chattering doubts in my head and into the present moment.  Now if only I can remember this state of mind when I am panicking about my life.  ;-p


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Today is a new day.  My bad mood has subsided.  It might have something to do with the fact that I am sitting directly in front of my fan.  I woke up this morning, took a quick shower, ate a bowl of cold cereal, sat in front of my laptop and worked on my one-act play for 3.5 hours today. No excuses, just sat and tapped words onto an empty page.  Which by the way needs a title,... any suggestions will be taken into consideration.  :-)  I didn't even make myself a cup of tea...so without the help of caffeine, I sat and worked on my play.  It's coming along.  I worked in a new scene between Carlos and Astrid...which is still a little flat for me and I don't know what's missing yet but I'm taking it to my writing group this Friday for a little feedback.  Can't tell you how much this helps the process.  Otherwise, I would be sitting in my room pulling my hair out by my roots...and really the bald trend is just not a good look for me.  Some people can pull it off...but not me.

Anyway, I put in a brand new scene and revised a previous scene between Mona and Dylan.  Their fight is still a little too safe, it still needs a little more heat, turn the pressure up....but not sure how to raise the stakes yet.  I'll keep tweaking.  I am trying to get this one-act in a healthy place by the end of August.  I am submitting it / applying for the Ensemble Studio Theater One-Act Marathon for next year, deadline is September. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed.

What's next for today?  Two things:
1. I'm working on my website.  Easier said than done.
2. Working on creative goals for the NYFA workshop.

Both feel very time consuming and bit too much for right this minute.  I have to giggle because I am the queen of procrastination!!  Seriously!!  You would think that I would learn by now that if I work a little bit on it every day it doesn't feel so big and unwieldy.  Instead, I wait 'til my head is about to pop off from the stress of it before I start to manage it.

Well first the world cup semi-final game between Spain and Germany AND THEN website and goals. I could use a tiny 90-minute break.  Then back to work.  

;-)


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.