Grumpy

It's 7:00 pm on a Wednesday evening and I am grumpy.  I've had a mild migraine for the better part of the day.  I woke up grumpy but I grumbled along as best as I could.  Then I was aggravated by the stupidity of people.  I should just let things go, not give over to every angry impulse but I didn't win out on that count. Instead I ate comfort food to stuff down my feelings.  Yes, I am quite aware of my food issues.  I haven't been sticking to my food restrictions either which may explain some of the grumpiness and overall yucky feeling. The only time I feel almost normal is when I have nothing in my system.  Being empty helps give my system a break. I may do that tomorrow. It will help. Where was I?  Oh yes, being grumpy.  So I tried writing some poetry while I was at lunch but that didn't really amount to much.  I'll include it in this entry just to share the first draft of a peom/poem. [I misspelled poem and liked the way it looked so I held onto it.]  Okay, right so moving on.  Despite the warmed weather, I'm still feeling cold. Clammy cold.  Must be the migraine.

Okay so the poem that I wrote this afternoon with just a few minor changes:

Thunder-Struck Silence at a Quarter to One

A reluctant start to this grey day
damp wind caresses skin promising
Spring sun, waking up a need/want
hunger with an open voracious mouth,
all-consuming, to be filled up to the brim
with some-thing/some-one of substance
to fill up the blank page
to fill up the darkness
to be reminded of days that held
hopeful dreams in bright neon colors.
Light reflects off the wet bricks
on a building across the street
a folded piece of paper opens
and closes, opens and closes
with each gust of air. We are
actors without a play or a part.
Metal beads scrapes across
the window pane, reflections
captures our attention, wander past
our thoughts toward higher ground
where we will not drown.  Heaven
is a sometimes promise to the weary
heart. We dare not shout into Winter's
dark. A star in the corner of a page is
a reminder to come back. We are asleep
with our eyes wide shut. I am not listening.
Need/want hunger suffocates. A life
without pain is a life without language.
Turn down the music there are people
lying. Turn down the covers, these
are the moments to despair.  Fold us
along our edges and press down tight.
                                                      -03.11.15

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Saturday Torch Light

I've carried a torch for someone for the past umpteen years and every Valentine's Day I spend the day pining after someone who's made another life for them self with someone else.  Every year I let go again. Intellectually, I know what the reality is and I have made peace with it in my own way. Sometimes it's a thin veneer.  The underlying beating heart of that truth delves far deeper.  It looks into the dark abyss.  It's been a slow methodical process to get to a different head space.  Some days are more successful than other days.  I am not writing this to be pitied. Trust me, I have enough self-pity to last me several lifetimes. I am writing this entry because I've been thinking a lot about the way I love. Why have I held onto someone for so long when we've had at best perhaps a handful of days together?  The fantasy far exceeds the reality.

Of course, when I am most desperately struggling with my creative writing, the obvious choice is to gravitate to the fantasy as a place to lose myself in for a couple of hours, days, weeks.

This morning, I did not want to rouse myself from sleep.  My head was pounding with a relentless migraine and all I could do was curl up and sleep half the day away. It is now late afternoon on a Saturday and I've managed to revise a 10-minute play and send it out to my writing group, get some laundry done, pick up Pandora's meds from the vet, buy a couple of steak tacos and now I'm writing this entry. I still have cleaning chores to take care of...I need to start with Pandora's litter box.  God! how I hate to clean it but it must be done.  Otherwise, I'll have a pile of poop waiting outside of the box as she protests using it even one day more unless I clean it. There is also a stack of papers, receipts and bills waiting to be sorted, paid and put away.  And a bottle of saki on my desk waiting to be opened. If I open that bottle now, nothing else will be done today.

I've been reading Karl Ove Knausgaard's, My Struggle, Book 1 and I am hooked on his writing. It's autobiographical but it's labelled as fiction. Autobiographical Fiction?  He makes the details of his life feel epic in nature.

Perhaps that's why I started this entry the way I did. Carrying a torch for someone for all those years has been a bit of a folly on my part.

I think it's time to find myself a new activity, preferably something physical to get this restless energy out of my system. Spring is right around the corner and I think I want to take up sailing.  I love being in the water and I could use something bright and beautiful to look forward to. I've gone on for way too long now. I still have not made up my mind on what to do next but... c'est la vie.

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Chappie

On Friday I went to see the movie Chappie, written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tachell.  It's about a robot who gets uploaded to think and feel for itself.  Artificial intelligence and what it may look like in the near future.  The action sequences were pretty over the top and for those fan boys/girls who need the adrenaline rush, it will certainly fill that void.
What was touching about this movie is the robot's coming to terms with it's own mortality and the lengths he would go to for self-preservation. That is the story that intrigued me more.  It has some humorous scenes with the robot trying to understand the world around him.  A film definitely worth catching on the big screen.  Hoo-Rah!

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2015 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.