Pity-Partying Tango

Writing Update.
Is this the part where I tell you that I want to quit writing?
The part where I tell you that I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing with this novel.
And I really, really want to give up on it. I mean REALLY!
Light the manuscript on fire and let the whole thing go up in smoke.
Yep, that's how I'm feeling about it these days. I know this feeling will pass but until that feeling passes I wait.
I want to move onto a new project. Perhaps go back to my first love, poetry.
Throw some snow on the wall and see what sticks.
Go back to playwriting and write 110 pages of a full-length play.
Do almost anything else but deal with the vast blankness that I have pertaining to this novel.
The writing muse is gone...or at least in a deep sleep...or a coma....or on vacation.
I try to fake it for awhile but there is just so much faking I can do before I know that the words are not right.  The writing isn't getting better.  The story is floundering.  And so am I.
I read in one of my many books on writing that sometimes if you have shared too much of the story... the creative self will stop writing.  Might that be the case?  Well I can't un-do the sharing.  I can't unpop that cork. Going forward I may hold back and keep my fingers still from writing on my blog about the next project but for right now...I am slowly wallowing in the murky depths of a story that doesn't quite work.  Ergh!  If I were to start over, hack it up, what would be left over?  Perhaps I'm not meant to be a novelist?  Who intentionally signs up to be a writer anyway?
I wrote to an old friend to tell them how writing was my first love. And that in my early twenties I thought myself a force to be reckoned with...I wanted to take the publishing world by storm.
Twenty years later, I'm just working on facing the page and not quitting.
My friend reminds me that I persevere, no matter what...I keep moving forward. I feel stuck tonight.
I spent the better part of my adult life working on Plan B, trying to sort out a career, a relationship (a couple of them), some savings for the future.  Yes, well that didn't work out either.
There is no more Plan B.  Writing is what I have.  It's all I've ever wanted to do.  And as I sit here rubbing my eyebrows off, I have to say tonight, I just wish I was a better writer.
Better at the craft. Better at making it work.  Better at not allowing the funk to get the best of me.
I'm still writing...I spent the better part of the day working on one character.  One small slice of the story.  How do you build them up so that they seem like living breathing characters?  One layer at a time. Ergh!

There have been all these articles lately about how a "writer" must conduct themselves pertaining to their blog in order to build their audience.  They say not to share too much personal information, not to whine, not to complain too much.  Yep, I've done all of these "no-nos" in varying degrees since I've first started this blog back in 2008. And really, it's not bad advice since you always want to put your best self out there.  But for f**k sake this is PART of the writing process too. This unmitigated impatience and pity-partying tango is part of it too. Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. Those articles be damned!

Peace out,
L~


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Bittersweet Love

Lots went on the last week and a half.  Highlights are long overdue.
On Monday, July 29th- I took the day off from work and went to see Ben Howard in concert in Central Park. Super performance and I enjoyed every minute.  His music is just really laid back and groovy.  He had a few up-tempo songs that sounded amazing live. But mostly I was there to enjoy his steady grounded vibe. I opted not to stand in the pit so I could actually enjoy the music.  I'm uploading a video from YouTube (recorded by R. Ridder) singing Old Pines. Lovely.

On Saturday, I took my niece to see Wolverine.  I really must have been in the mood to see this movie because I loved the highly stylized martial arts in this film.  There were a couple of scenes that were so over the top that I couldn't help but roll my eyes...like the chase on the high speed train...but for the most part I enjoyed it as summer fare.

Today, I re-read Annie Proulx's short story Brokeback Mountain. As much as I love the movie, I love the actual short story even more. She captures tender moments so well that it physically makes me ache with longing. The language condensed but it speaks volumes. There is one paragraph in the story when Jack is thinking back over his time with Ennis.  Ennis wraps an arm around Jack...that moment makes my throat raw with unshed emotion. Even now as I think about it...my throat tightens up with the bittersweetness of the multi-layers of love in its purest form. This story is just so beautiful.

All for now....

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Writing vs. Laundry

11:30 am on Saturday and I am procrastinating on writing with laundry. Even writing this blog entry is about not working on my novel. Ergh! It's that thing that I need to work on but it feels like work so I'm avoiding.  This week I've been distracted with life, concerts, dating, poetry readings and now I'm trying to catch up with myself. Good thing, right?

The problem with catching up with myself is that all those feelings that I've been distracting myself from are now sitting in the forefront. They are just feelings and they will pass but breaking off with my last gf has left me feeling shitty. I just miss her company.  Bleck!!  :-P
Am I using this "feeling shitty" as an excuse not to write?  Damn Skippy!

I finished reading Barbara Kingsolver's Flight Behavior.  God! She's such an amazing writer and altho' I did not like her last title Lacuna...this book..this book...was magic.  These are her opening lines to Flight Behavior:

A certain feeling comes from throwing your good life away, and it is one part rapture. Or so it seemed for now, to a woman with flame-colored hair who marched uphill to meet her demise.  Innocence was no part of this.  She knew her own recklessness and marveled, really, at how one hard little flint of thrill could outweigh the pillowy, suffocating aftermath of a long disgrace.  

There are moments in this book that broke me open, dug into the middle of my chest and crushed the air out of my lungs.  The suffocating emotions she evoked were carved out of this stark small town landscape and the monarch butterflies were the catalyst to Dellarobia Turnbow's transformation.  Kingsolver has a way of crushing together hard science, the natural world and the human species into a tangible relationship. Beautifully written. I found myself choking back unexpected tears.

Okay, enough procrastinating.  Time to face my novel.
Peace,
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2013 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.