Long Answer to a Short Question

It’s Tuesday. Started my day with the sound of construction work outside my window. A jack hammer alarm is harder to find the snooze button on it. For a change, it actually didn’t bother me as much as it usually does. Mostly because the sound of construction gives me a sense that money is being spent on the infrastructure of the city and that always helps our limping economy.

Writing Update: Yep, don’t really wanna talk about it. Just haven’t done much with it this week. There are a hundred and one reasons (a.k.a. exuses) but none of them really matter. I was supposed to have been at 25,000 words on November 15th…wasn’t even close…still teetering around 14,000 somewhere [earlier I wrote 1,400 and that wasn't the case]. Writing this novel makes me want to hide my head under my duvet. It’s frustrating. I have a hard time letting go of control. Ergh. This lesson is biting me in the ass.

Last Wednesday, I was having the worst possible day. I hit my wall. I was just angry. Part of it is the writing (or lack thereof). Part of it is my past keeps trying to invade my present…and I was having complicated feelings about it. The scale was starting to creep up again. I know this is all very personal but hell this is part of the human experience, no? We all struggle with feelings of frustration and anger and how that impacts our every day. And I wanted to quit. Quit EVERYTHING!! Quit writing, quit my shamanic training, quit my job, quit project “healthy me.” Just cut out. Running away fantasies. The problem with running away is that I take ME along in this scenario. It doesn’t matter where I go, I will come upon the same problems and the same manners in which I deal with them in the same way. No way of getting around it…and no matter where I go, there is my stack of baggage that comes along. It didn’t help that I was also dealing with a wicked migraine. I just tuck myself into a cold dark room and I want the world to go away. Actually, I just want the pain to go away.

There is always this moment whenever I am doing things that are healthy for me where I just want to stop. No rhyme or reason to why I want to stop, I just don’t want to continue. I convince myself that nothing is ever really going to work. In fact, several years ago, I was running (jogging) pretty steadily. I had moved myself from running a couple of miles up to 5.5-6 mile runs. I was getting that lovely release of endorphins and feeling pretty good about my pace. Then one day, I went for a run down along the river and made it down to 116 street from 151 street. It was less than a 2 mile run and I stopped. I wasn’t hurting, I wasn’t winded…I just stopped moving. It was a clear bright cool spring day and I turned around and caught a bus home. I didn’t ask the question, didn’t even bother. That was the last time I ran. I miss running. Note to self: start running again.

I woke up on Thursday having a complete change over. Magic elves were working on my psyche that night because I felt bright and positive and shiny again. Where had all the self-pity that I usually cloak myself with gone? Instead, I opted to get back on healthy food choices and a long walk during lunch. I added another 200 words to my novel but I hardly count them. In fact, I don’t even think I added them onto my NaNoWriMo tally. Ergh! Anyway, neither here nor there. I just realized that I matter. Yes, my writing will sometimes suck…but my writing is just an aspect of who I am, it’s not the sum of all my parts. Weird how something so obvious seems so foreign to me.  This is my long answer to a short question: I'm back on track.

Friday night I went to dinner with a friend and we went to see the play, The Outgoing Tide written by Bruce Graham. Such a good piece of drama. Peter Strauss as the lead actor was fantastic! His performance gave me goose bumps. Graham’s writing was gorgeous because it was both funny and serious in a way that was even-handed. There were scenes that went on a tad too long but for the most part it really was an amazingly well developed piece.

Then Saturday night, I went to see Ani DiFranco in concert at Town Hall. She went on one of her feminist liberal rants and I LOVED IT! She started off the night by doing a poetic piece. About being citizens, not just consumers. Yay!! She said a lot more but I don’t want to mis-represent her with my own feminist rant! Hahaha!

Wait, before I get ahead of myself. Let me first talk about the opening act. A little group from Brooklyn called Pearl and the Beard. Their sound was so right on, they actually blew me away. I am sharing one of their songs below. They are so good that I didn’t want them to stop singing. They are playing at Brooklyn’s Bell House, Dec 1st. May go see them there. Their music give me chills!!

Back to Ani DiFranco. She sang new material and there is something about her music that speaks to me down to my DNA. She had some beautiful fucked up love songs that did me in. I was sitting in the balcony with big soppy tears streaming down my face but they were so WORTH IT! She also sang some of her old material, like 32 flavors and Shameless (one of my favorites) and I loved it when the audience sang along. It was a great moment. Really fantastic!
Okay, I think we are all caught up.

'Nuff 'bout me
L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Inner Critic Won This Round

Let's see, where should I start this?...oh yes, word count.  I will confess that Friday night I did not write.  * Gasp - I KNOW * I had my inner critic shaking her finger at me and ranting on and on about laziness which is never my favorite word.  I was checked out and having a pity party for myself.  Should I list all the things that got in the way...really it was just my "skewed thinking brain" that got in my way.  Here are some sound bytes (take with a grain of salt in the light of day):  I don't like the story any more, I don't think I am smart enough to write this particular story, I am convinced that my writing is crap with all my split infinitives and excessive ramblings, And then it got worse. And nothing I told myself worked, I was convinced that washing dishes and  cleaning my cat's litter box was SO MUCH more important that working on my writing.  Really?!  Really?  So ONE WHOLE DAY without writing.  Ergh.

Today I was racing through my day.  Saturday was spent in a crazy whirlwind of errands. Picking up my dad's birthday present from the post office, buying the appropriate display case for it and pretty wrapping paper, lots of time on a line that snaked for two and a half days through the store, sheesh, ...it was crazy-town in my brain today because no one was moving fast enough. Then at 3:30, I met up with my writing group and we talked about Christine's story...gosh, so very proud of her and all the work that she's done on it. All the talking about writing craft made me ready to FACE THE PAGE...* by the way, I did that with a low, booming voice * So I hopped online, went to the NaNoWriMo website to check my stats and they were dismal since I didn't put one word on the page yesterday.  Today, I managed, 1,600 words in two and a half hours.  Yay!  Okay, I'm still behind the eight ball on this one...do you see that diagonal line...that's where I should be hitting right now if I'm going to hit 50,000 words at the end of the months...eeesh!  My grand total so far is 11,101 words.  Now, according to all their stats I need to write 8,000 words on Sunday to be caught up.  Why does it feel like I'm in school all over again? My goal for tomorrow is 5,000 words.  Eight hours, two breaks to eat a small meal...I can do it right?  *gulp* And could I possibly squeeze in a walk in Central Park?

I have a dinner party to go to tomorrow night.  That's actually going to be my incentive...prize at the end of the tunnel...'cause I love Lance's cooking and his wife Patty makes the best Sangria EVER!!

My Stats on NaNoWriMo Website...Eeek!!

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Note to Self: Write

First thing first: Word count for today is 1,004 bringing total word count to 9,501
I'm okay with the short clip.  Not fighting with my story and just allowing myself to follow its lead.  It's funny, I've written and re-written the first six chapters so many times that I sometimes lose the story line thread.  Today, I kept checking back on what I've written to make sure that the new material is mostly in line with what I've written before.   Note to self: print out the last version of Indigo and place in a binder.  I've had my computer crash one too many times not to have a hard copy handy.  Altho' I could back up my files too...hmm should be time since I can't remember the last time I actually backed up my computer.

New music...I came across this artist while surfing for new music.  Heard the song and really liked it's pop-py tune. Misha B's voice reminds me of my queen of soul, Chaka Khan. This song, at around 2:39, picks up temp and it's the reason why I keep listening to this song over and over again.  Enjoy!!

Peace,

L~

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2012 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.