03.18.09

I am having one of those moments...when I am writhing in my own skin.
When the glorious mild March day is wasted away on this abject bad mood.
When the writing is not coming along and anything I'm reading is barely delicious.
When there are things to be done and errands to be run and I can't face it...any of it.
I want to scream from the top of my lungs because it's the only sound to slice through this meekness.
There is raw tension along my jawline and I want to press it away.
There is tension held in the back of my throat....it's like an ache...right before a good cry.

It's frustrating. It's like losing a sense of one's self.
Turning myself inside out and wondering why I feel so naked.
Perhaps I take things too seriously...this is what I hear from friends...I think too much.
Really? What does that mean anyway?

Perhaps, I am too close to the material.
Perhaps, I don't know how to create enough distance between who I am and what I write but that's where I am right now in this process.
To try to break that enmeshed reality is to try to pry it apart with a crowbar.
Dents in the surface. Deep cuts along the bruised ego.
Damn ego needs to go.

*****************
Jumping ideas....because really this is the way my brain works:

I've been reading Wetlands by Charlotte Roche and it's strangely fascinating. At times it's too gross for my very sqeamish stomach but it makes me laugh out loud at the strangest times...for the weirdest reasons. I understand the dichotomy of this modern world and ultra-cleanliness and how this book is breaking all the boundaries by using bodily fluids in direct contrast throughout the narrative. The main character Helen just has a unique way of interacting with the world. All messy, naked and spreading her bacteria all over the place. Ick!


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

02.09.09

Today I woke up at the time when the universe sighs...(2:30 am) and I wrote for a couple of hours.
I had been writing and re-writing a monologue in my head for about a week and the impulse was too great to ignore. All I could do was wake up and write. There was no question, no argument and no resistance. Just the rest of Jamie's monologue.

I went back to bed and tried to read but I was too tired.
I tried to watch tv but I was too tired.
I tried to go back to sleep but I was too tired.

Then it was 8 am and then the day became doing and moving.
It became:
mascara on eyelashes, liquid eyeliner on eyelids,
shower and brush teeth
changing bed clothes for street clothes
socks without holes and sneakers
layers of sweater and coat
snatch up phone from a red side table
lock the top lock
push elevator button
walk through the park on a cold crisp day
take train to school

answer e-mails
create new e-mails
answer questions
answer phones
buy tangerines
drop them off

sit in on a class
watch students
walk to the Grind
buy a Mountain Dew
walk to office
sit and chat
before head to workshop
hand out sheets
pass attendance sheet

time for class
discussion
questions
answers
laughter
he reads
class over

hop on train
home bound


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

02.08.09

I haven't posted anything on this blog for quite some time. The winter has left me hibernating under my duvet. Sometimes I put this pressure to come up with quality writing only to find myself dwindling in my effort to even try. The effort to write feels hard and taxing. A big black chasm of nothingness....where do I start?

This past week has been a particular difficult one for me. I spent more days near tears despairing over how uncertain things are: writing, creative life, home life, family life, relationships, finances, etc, etc, etc. Only to discover there are no guarantees, there is nothing to cling to for reassurances.

Then, I went to see this amazing play last Wednesday, Ruined by Lynn Nottage. It touched me the way nothing else has for a long time. She had some beautiful lines, some heart-wrenching moments and an ending so positive and life -affirming...it gave me hope. It rekindled a light within me. The actors were amazing but the language/the text was there to help them soar.

So I've decided for the next while to write, in this blog, a bit about process, to write about craft, to share images and text that inspire me until I am back in the flow. This blog will be part of my process to keep an active mind/heart on my artmaking. Eventually, I want to see a small part of my writing soar.




All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.