Hmmm what am I in the mood to share? Let’s see I have been avoiding working on my novel most of this week. Don’t ask me why. I clearly don’t have an answer to that question. I’ve been doing mostly journal writing which amounts to about 4 pages a day. I seem to be in a negative head space these days and journal writing gives me a space to kvetch. Sometimes getting it out of my system helps to free me up. I’m not sure yet if it’s working but I’ll let you know how I’m progressing on Monday. I can’t believe we are moving into a new month on Monday…I keep hearing that tick, tick, tick of time running out.
I’ve had too much caffeine today and I can feel the buzz, buzz, buzzing of nervous energy coursing through my body.
Let’s see, I’ve also been job hunting for a full time gig, which is always interesting in this economy. I’ve been temping for the past 11 months in the same company and I’d like to do something a little more substantial. I just haven’t figured out what industry yet. My dream job would be to write for television. I have neither the connections nor the portfolio to go into a studio and compete for a post. Then I think, perhaps I can script and video my own project and put it up on public access. It always comes down to funding, funding, and more funding.
*banging head against desk*
I am at a stand still right now. Even now…I’m staring at this screen hoping an answer will come through or pop up. I know I should just work on the novel. Just keep plugging away at it. That should be my priority. But my energies are scattered. My brain is going a thousand miles a minute on job hunting, networking, creating a portfolio, tailoring resumes to key industries. Not to mention the load of laundry waiting for me when I get home tonight.
I think I’m tired. Tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. Tired of low-level positions. Tired of this sucky recession. I know I’m not the only one and I also know that there are people worse off earning lower wages. I get that. I’m just stuck in this weird anxiety over “just-barely-scraping-by.” Four years ago I was at the top of my game working as a technical writer in the IT industry making an actual living from my strongest skill, writing. I won't even go into what today looks like because I'm afraid I will burst into flames from the frustration. Anyway, it is what it is. Onward.
L~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Pressure...
So where am I? Hmm. It’s hard to admit this but I haven’t worked on the novel. Despite some clever feedback last week and getting excited about a new way to approach the story, I just didn’t/couldn’t write. Lately, it’s difficult to face the page and work on this piece. Good friends keep giving me feedback, advice, book recommendations, blogs, writer’s resources, news sources and that is all well and good but at the end of the day I’ve just hit a roadblock. It’s disconcerting.
It's all self-inflicted. Pressure to work on it and finish it in a timely manner. I’ve been working on this novel for the past 9 months. I get the irony…the story is gestating. And the pressure of not being a good enough writer to finish this project. Crazy-making I know but that is where I am with it. How do I let go enough and really believe that if this is the crappiest piece of work I’ve ever written then it’s a good learning experience? I want this story to be excellent but I’m holding on too tight to that expectation and there is no room for the story to breathe. I mean how could it? I have a strangle hold around its puny little neck wanting the words to come out faster but no space for the words to vocalize. Even as I write these words, I can feel my throat constrict and my neck muscles tighten up. Yes, it’s that visceral and physical for me.
I have to remember to breathe. I find myself hardly breathing these days. At least, I’m noticing the fact that I’m holding my breath a lot. I’ve started taking yoga classes again and good god, I am so inflexible that I feel like I’m going to pop a limb out of a socket as I try to relax into a spinal twist. Not easy for this round body of mine. Actually, I think it goes deeper than that because I’ve managed yoga classes before at this weight. I think it has more to do with how constricted my mind is. How clamped up/shut tight and unwilling to bend. Hmmm. Interesting… I think a dim light bulb went on in the back of my head somewhere.
So despite the lack of writing on the novel, I’ve started on a short story. I needed a place to write and play with language. A place to remind me that I actually “love” to write and I do. I spent the better part of the day working on it and wrote up about 2,000 words. I felt looser for having done it. My uptight neurotic self let go for an afternoon. Is it perfect? Not by a long shot but it’s a decent work in progress.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I feel PRESSURE!
It's all self-inflicted. Pressure to work on it and finish it in a timely manner. I’ve been working on this novel for the past 9 months. I get the irony…the story is gestating. And the pressure of not being a good enough writer to finish this project. Crazy-making I know but that is where I am with it. How do I let go enough and really believe that if this is the crappiest piece of work I’ve ever written then it’s a good learning experience? I want this story to be excellent but I’m holding on too tight to that expectation and there is no room for the story to breathe. I mean how could it? I have a strangle hold around its puny little neck wanting the words to come out faster but no space for the words to vocalize. Even as I write these words, I can feel my throat constrict and my neck muscles tighten up. Yes, it’s that visceral and physical for me.
* Deep breath *
I have to remember to breathe. I find myself hardly breathing these days. At least, I’m noticing the fact that I’m holding my breath a lot. I’ve started taking yoga classes again and good god, I am so inflexible that I feel like I’m going to pop a limb out of a socket as I try to relax into a spinal twist. Not easy for this round body of mine. Actually, I think it goes deeper than that because I’ve managed yoga classes before at this weight. I think it has more to do with how constricted my mind is. How clamped up/shut tight and unwilling to bend. Hmmm. Interesting… I think a dim light bulb went on in the back of my head somewhere.
So despite the lack of writing on the novel, I’ve started on a short story. I needed a place to write and play with language. A place to remind me that I actually “love” to write and I do. I spent the better part of the day working on it and wrote up about 2,000 words. I felt looser for having done it. My uptight neurotic self let go for an afternoon. Is it perfect? Not by a long shot but it’s a decent work in progress.
Peace,
Lily~
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I’m taking a mental break.
Tonight I am off to yoga.
Afterwards home to spend some time working on rebuilding chapter 3.
I’ve also made a decision to let go of the studio in Harlem.
As excited as I was of having a space to work on my art, it just doesn’t make economical sense to have a separate work space right now
I want to focus all of my efforts on this novel. All of my spare time needs to be about writing, writing, and re-writing so I can get it done.
I’m scaling back to make some room for this creative work.
This feels like the right decision for me right now.
If need be, I can always work on my art in the apartment. My work has started shrinking to about a 10”x10” dimension. Part of it has been practicality. Part of it has been smaller pieces have begun to pop for me. Either way, giving up the studio doesn’t mean I’ll stop painting.
One last thing I wanted to share….check out Florence + The Machine’s, Cosmic Love. Her voice is AMAZING!! I can't stop listening to it.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Afterwards home to spend some time working on rebuilding chapter 3.
I’ve also made a decision to let go of the studio in Harlem.
As excited as I was of having a space to work on my art, it just doesn’t make economical sense to have a separate work space right now
I want to focus all of my efforts on this novel. All of my spare time needs to be about writing, writing, and re-writing so I can get it done.
I’m scaling back to make some room for this creative work.
This feels like the right decision for me right now.
If need be, I can always work on my art in the apartment. My work has started shrinking to about a 10”x10” dimension. Part of it has been practicality. Part of it has been smaller pieces have begun to pop for me. Either way, giving up the studio doesn’t mean I’ll stop painting.
One last thing I wanted to share….check out Florence + The Machine’s, Cosmic Love. Her voice is AMAZING!! I can't stop listening to it.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2011 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
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