I can't sleep. My brain won't turn off and it's too hot in my room. Which makes for a very cranky version of me, up at 1.09 am.
Almost as soon as I started to write these words my mind turned off.
It's a fine line between giving my brain a chance to get things down and out AND forcing sleep upon it.
I'm restless...I don't know what I need...I don't know what I want.
I even walked 3 miles today just to tire myself out a bit. That plan did not work.
I'm in that weird space of wanting to quit. Quit school, quit classes, quit working on my writing, quit having ambition for it, quit the uncertainty, *sigh* I know I'm whinging. I can't help myself when I am tired and frazzled at the same time.
A mosquito just flew by my ear...which means I will not get any rest until it's dead.
Even the presence of it makes my skin itch.
I know this is all minutia but it can't be helped. As long as my brain is on auto-pilot, this is my version of just sitting with it.
I've run out of things to say and I'm staring blindly away from the bright computer screen.
Damn, I just got stung by the mosquito....argh! Sleep is a losing battle tonight.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
06.29.09
Today, on this Monday afternoon, I am tied up in knots inside. I am joking around with classmates that I'm giving myself two weeks notice and that I want a vacation from myself. I have this odd anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach now that classes are over for the summer. There is space to breathe and I don't know what to do with myself. So I sit here in the writing center, writing it up on this blog.
I joke around about having a personal assistant. Someone to make decisions for me. Someone who is highly organized and can take care of all of those little details that I let slide, like working out and having fun. Hehehe. I know it's all very absurd but I have forgotten how to have fun. How to manage a little levity in my life. It's been about school and assignments and internships and graduate assistantship and doing laundry and it's gotten a bit boring and a bit blah << that's the technical term.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a laugh going out with some classmates and having a beer or two...or three with them this past Thursday. But...but...I am always a little afraid when I don't have some structure in my days. I feel like I will flounder and waste time. And I can't afford to waste time, I feel like the white rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date." There are things to get done, plans to think about, a thesis to work on, and really things just feel so up in the air lately. How do I ground myself? I already know what T is going to say, "Just write Lily." I get that and I am...see me writing on my blog right now...but I feel the worry in my body. I feel it welling up in me and making me twist and writhe.
Perhaps, I need to create a schedule for myself. Like make an appointment to show up for working out, taking a swim, writing, etc. Good Lord! I could use a swim in the ocean, getting some much needed sun right now. The weather is heating up and my body wants to MOOOOOOOVE. Yikes!
So, I have an hour left for this place and then I'm going to walk home, perhaps pass by the park and enjoy the breeze. I don't think I can bear getting home and having a group of screaming, crying toddlers at the moment. I don't want to hide from them...just don't want to deal with a house full of children. I'm praying for some patience and some guidance.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I joke around about having a personal assistant. Someone to make decisions for me. Someone who is highly organized and can take care of all of those little details that I let slide, like working out and having fun. Hehehe. I know it's all very absurd but I have forgotten how to have fun. How to manage a little levity in my life. It's been about school and assignments and internships and graduate assistantship and doing laundry and it's gotten a bit boring and a bit blah << that's the technical term.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a laugh going out with some classmates and having a beer or two...or three with them this past Thursday. But...but...I am always a little afraid when I don't have some structure in my days. I feel like I will flounder and waste time. And I can't afford to waste time, I feel like the white rabbit, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late for an important date." There are things to get done, plans to think about, a thesis to work on, and really things just feel so up in the air lately. How do I ground myself? I already know what T is going to say, "Just write Lily." I get that and I am...see me writing on my blog right now...but I feel the worry in my body. I feel it welling up in me and making me twist and writhe.
Perhaps, I need to create a schedule for myself. Like make an appointment to show up for working out, taking a swim, writing, etc. Good Lord! I could use a swim in the ocean, getting some much needed sun right now. The weather is heating up and my body wants to MOOOOOOOVE. Yikes!
So, I have an hour left for this place and then I'm going to walk home, perhaps pass by the park and enjoy the breeze. I don't think I can bear getting home and having a group of screaming, crying toddlers at the moment. I don't want to hide from them...just don't want to deal with a house full of children. I'm praying for some patience and some guidance.
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Waiting…
Daybreak looms in the horizon. Why agonize over running out of time? Drag out the seconds by repeating secular Psalms. The candlewood is burrowing a hole in my hand. A counterfeit life has taken on a favorable margin. Don’t write it down, the promises may expand.
I envy the way you welcome pleasure. Everything stays the same in this letter to you. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. Break apart my skull and glance in, I think something is jammed. You wear your grumbling mood to protect yourself against me. Isn’t it time to flip the script yet? Speak softly if you want to charm me back into your decent graces. I think something is jammed. Quick, break me open and repair the broken bits. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. You enjoy life so intensely I envy you. I think something is jammed. We keep meeting at this intersection. Speak softly…the charm is starting to wear off.
We wait at the crossroads with a snack and an umbrella. Multiple waves of chimerical visions wash over us. You lose sleep over wasting time. Remember to pack boysenberry jelly sandwiches in case we get hungry. The clock on the wall has knotted up its hands into a clamped fist. The apple has a worm. Can you tell if you’ve eaten its head or its tail? How long should we wait for the storm clouds to gather? The sands continue to sift through slotted eyes. Neither one of us has a chance against the distortions.
You cut the dragons loose and left us unprotected. We have ten conversations between us to wrestle loose from each other. The signs have been collected, weighted, and dispatched via messenger. We have waited for the thunderclap to kick us into gear but we have not taken refuge. Instead, we stand there in the green light of a pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone, looking to the other for shelter.
***
Again I've been reworking some of the smaller pieces I finished a month ago and trying something out. Hmmm. Several lines surprised me so that's always exciting. Enjoy!
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
I envy the way you welcome pleasure. Everything stays the same in this letter to you. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. Break apart my skull and glance in, I think something is jammed. You wear your grumbling mood to protect yourself against me. Isn’t it time to flip the script yet? Speak softly if you want to charm me back into your decent graces. I think something is jammed. Quick, break me open and repair the broken bits. We’ve repeated the same patterns for quite some time now. You enjoy life so intensely I envy you. I think something is jammed. We keep meeting at this intersection. Speak softly…the charm is starting to wear off.
We wait at the crossroads with a snack and an umbrella. Multiple waves of chimerical visions wash over us. You lose sleep over wasting time. Remember to pack boysenberry jelly sandwiches in case we get hungry. The clock on the wall has knotted up its hands into a clamped fist. The apple has a worm. Can you tell if you’ve eaten its head or its tail? How long should we wait for the storm clouds to gather? The sands continue to sift through slotted eyes. Neither one of us has a chance against the distortions.
You cut the dragons loose and left us unprotected. We have ten conversations between us to wrestle loose from each other. The signs have been collected, weighted, and dispatched via messenger. We have waited for the thunderclap to kick us into gear but we have not taken refuge. Instead, we stand there in the green light of a pouring rain, getting soaked to the bone, looking to the other for shelter.
***
Again I've been reworking some of the smaller pieces I finished a month ago and trying something out. Hmmm. Several lines surprised me so that's always exciting. Enjoy!
All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.
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