So the last couple of entries have been up and down, solidly reflecting my state of mind.  Sunday I was up because Spain won the World Cup and yes I was cheering very loudly!!  Go Spain!!  I'm sure my Mexican ancestors are turning in their graves pero que se puede ser?  And that night I managed to finish putting together an application for a studio space.  The organization chashama helps artists find affordable studio spaces to work in NYC.  Go chashama!!

Then yesterday was a low-energy day.  I'm not sure if it's the humid weather or what but I'm just struggling with getting things done this week. I'm just feeling BLECK!  That is the official scientific term.  I worked on an art piece that I am building up and I couldn't get out of my own criticizing way to enjoy the process.  The judgmental internal voice really stopped the work from flowing.  Not to mention my 2-year old niece kept trying to climb my back while I was bent over the sprawled out canvas.  Although she kept making me laugh so there was that.  Plus my mother and grandmother where looking on while I tried to work through my process which is always pretty strange. My family supports my artistic efforts, up to a point.  They don't get why I'm doing it or how I do it and lately they watch me more often. Hmmm.  I'm not going to delve too deeply there.  Perhaps this is their way of supporting me by being witnesses to the artistic process. :-)

So today I went to preview a movie that totally sucked!  I can't say which one based on my agreement with the organization that allows me to see them at no cost.  After seeing that little 2-hour disaster, I decided to walk over to the MOMA and go visit some of my favorite art pieces.  My favorite is Jackson Pollock, his work makes me want to cry from the pure pleasure of looking at it.  The fluidity of the paint, the way the layers are built up, his work is just amazing to me. MOMA is also giving a special exhibit on Abstract Art by Women Artists.  As I was walking around this particular exhibit, I realized that I really need to look up more women artists.  My vocabulary pertaining to women and art is so limited.  I can name male artists with no problem but women artists (?). I'm shaking my head from the lack of knowledge.  I've got some homework to do.

Anyway, on my way home I bought myself a bouquet of White Lilies and Gerber Daisies.  Just something pretty to pick up my mood.  I love the smell of Lilies.  I'm hoping they'll shake me out of my funky mood.  ~Peace.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Tonight, I'm feeling a little lost.  I feel like a hamster spinning in my wheel going nowhere fast.

It's strange to think that particular image with everything "right" that has been going on in my life lately.  The NYFA Entrepreneurial workshops have been amazing, my writing group is quite wonderful, my creative meetings with my best friend T keeps me focused and positive but I feel stretched thin.

I've also been working on a event "on the side"  for the Fall but the specifics have been a bit sticky and I'm coming up against resistance.  For the record, I dislike when obstacles are thrown up in the way.  I get a bit cranky over it and really there is a part of me that just wants to raise my hands and give up on that particular project. But on principle alone, I don't want to do that.  I tend to meet obstacles as brick walls and I stand there, scratch my head and think to myself, "how high is this wall?"

I keep weighing the pros and cons over whether or not to move forward with it.  Perhaps all these no's means it's not something that I should expend my time and energy on.  I miss my events partner-in-crime right now but alas she is away on holiday. I need to gripe, complain or thrash this around with her and figure out if this is something we should even do.  Argh!!  No easy answers at the moment.  I'll just have to wait another week before I can talk it over with her.  I am sitting here waiting for the wave of frustration to subside.  Perhaps, there will be some divine intervention on the matter.

Pandora decided this was the moment to squish her body against my left thigh and sprawled out.

I feel like I'm missing something.  Like something's not quite working. It's an uncomfortable nebulous angst.  I've been pointing to the Event as if it's the reason but it's just a symptom of not feeling centered. Not feeling right.  Not getting enough work done.  What's up?  I think it's time to put some words down in my journal to see if I can sort this out.  Otherwise, I'll be up half the night tossing and turning.

Peace. x.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

Let's see, I did not work on my goals nor my website yesterday or today.

Instead, I went to check out an apartment to rent with my sister in Crown Heights.  The place is still under construction and it's very cute but not really ready for tenants.  It's a 2.5 bedroom apartment but the place is narrow.

I feel a bit pinched for time and money lately.  Isn't everyone these days?  I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have and instead trying to focus on the roof over my head, clean drinking water, food in the fridge, a fan to keep me cool, and a working laptop.

But I can't help feeling stretched thin.  Stressed about my future.  It's a looming void of unknowns right now.  Being the self-proclaimed control-freak that I am, these unknowns feel outside of my control. Transition times are so disconcerting for me.  Looking for a new place to live, a new way to bring income into my life, writing, creative work, readings, writing groups, website work, figuring out goals...it's a lot right now.  I know it will all work out (I guess) but I can't help feeling a bit unsure of how things will unfold.
 
I am taking a deep breath, hoping for the best, and investing more time into the creative work.  At the end of the day, it's the thing that centers me, makes me feel whole, takes me away from the chattering doubts in my head and into the present moment.  Now if only I can remember this state of mind when I am panicking about my life.  ;-p


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.