Dancing with the Devil

I've been here two months and four days now.  I have 27 days left here at OAC.  I've had some really good moments and I've had some of my inner demons make an appearance.  Being so isolated out here in Belle, MO has allowed for all those old insecurities to creep out in order to be addressed and it hasn't always been easy.  Tony encouraged me to write about it but I always feel a bit self-conscious of putting out there how I struggle with my creative work.

Most of my life, I've looked for external validation to put worth and value to myself and my work.  Some may argue that self and work are two separate entities but I have it fixed in my mind that I had to produce work to be of value.  In my family, what you accomplish is so much more important than who you are as a person.  Having the time now to seriously take a look at this core belief has rattled me down to my very toes.  It's been uncomfortable and disconcerting and I know I have pressed friends for words of encouragement to get me through some of my darker days.  The problem is I was playing into my old way of being, looking outside of myself to see me through the eyes of my friends and family.  I know this is an oddball thing to write but...I'm not really sure how else to put it. 

I shy away from criticism.  I've been told that I need thicker skin, perhaps that's true.  It still doesn't discount the fact that painting and writing leaves me feeling terribly exposed and vulnerable.  Especially, when the work is freshly painted or at its inception stage of becoming something.  Whatever that might be.  My Cancer crab ways makes me want to retreat into my hard shell to prevent feeling so exposed.  Hmmm. 

Having written out all of that...I now have to say that (for the record) this residency has been pretty amazing.  I would never have been able to face some of those demons at home.  I have so many distractions that I could bury my head in the sand and ignore the bad feelings until they went away.  Instead, I am able to feel bad, as bad as I have to feel and still write and paint.  No distractions. 

I especially love it when it's a bright day outside and a warm wind is wafting into the studio space.  I start to paint or write and the world falls away.  I look up and 5 hours have slipped away and I'm exhausted but satisfied with myself.  Those are the moments when I don't question who I am and what I'm worth.  Now how do I do that on a more consistent basis?  I know, I know...it takes practice.  Yes, I've rolled my eyes...I am impatient.

I feel time racing away from me.  This months will go by very quickly and I want to get as much work done before its time to leave.  That's the New York neurotic in me.  However, the sun is out today, the sky is bright blue, and Cat and Vick brought by a hummingbird feeder....too sweet!!  I'm going to finish my second cup of tea,  take a book to the chaise lounge on the porch to take in some sun and to read for a little while.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

04.12.10

I spent the better part of the morning looking for Kiara, one of the dogs who lives on the farm.  She was nowhere to be found.  In the midst of looking for this dog, I came  across quite a few deer.  The first sighting happened when I reached the orchard.  I had just gotten a ways past the entrance and two deer shot out from the brush.  I think we startled each other.  The first one took a look at me and then the second one, who was right behind, dashed past which made the first one bolt as well.  They crossed my path and I watched their little white tails run up the hill.  I was completely amazed.  

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a deer in nature before.  I’m sure I’ve seen them at the zoo at one point in my life but it’s so different coming face to face with a large animal in their natural habitat.  Their coats were light brown and one of them had faded white dots on their fur.  Once the deer hit the top of the small hill one of them stopped, looked back and just stared at me.  All I could do was stare back and smile.  It was just for a couple of heartbeats but that moment filled me with pure joy.  That pause was a gift.  They turned and ran into the denser part of the woods and all I could see was a little white tail and white hind legs.  I kept walking and thought to myself this is so cool and I couldn’t help but smile out loud. 

I walked past the orchard, past the garden area, past another wooden gate, onto a path that would take me to a more wooded area.  I took only a couple of steps onto the path and the blue jays started screeching up a storm, startling me and quite a few deer in the process.  I can hear them bolting, branches breaking and I saw bits of hooves and quick dashes of light brown fur but I couldn’t quite make them out, there was too many tree trunks in the way to get a proper look.  I also knew there was no way Kiara would be out this way because that dog would have been hunting those deer down if she was anywhere nearby.  I walked further down the road until I hit the boulders but no sign of the dog. 

Tony mentioned the other day to me that the spirits of the land doesn’t like the presence of the dogs.  I wonder if Spirit cast Kiara out.  Perhaps her presence was too disruptive.  Hmmm.  I’m just worried that she is tangled up with her metal chain on trees and brush somewhere unable to free herself.  I may go out again and roam the land between the Indian pasture up into the denser paths to see if she’s just stuck. 

Anyway, I turned back and started heading back to the studio.  I swung by Mark’s place to see if Kiara had turned up and found Bo tucked underneath a white pickup truck for a little shade. No Kiara but Bo growled at me, of course.  After I filled his bowl up with cold water and he took a long drink, he was my best friend.  He tried to show his domination by sitting on my feet and leaning up against my legs but I pushed him off and started to walk up the hilly road. Once I cleared the hill, I found Zeus at the top by the chicken coops.  I filled up a bowl of cold water for him too since I was up by the pump, then headed back on the road.

If I wasn’t so scared of the chickens, I would have gone in and gotten some fresh eggs.  Yes, this is one of those moments that I know I didn’t grow up on a farm.  I tried it once on my own while at OAC but I get overwhelmed when all the chickens start to swarm around my legs.  They think I’m gonna feed them or something.  The panic starts to rise and then I’m running out of their coop.  Yes, it’s funny. Another day in the life of this Brooklyn girl in Belle, MO.

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

After the Sun Broke Through

A mossy path is spongy

tiny red and yellow flowers

line the way. A black moth

leads while bird-cries echo

through tree limbs. The land

is greener and a turtle crosses

with deliberate steps.

A stark branch, cracked

at the joints, lies white

in the late afternoon sun.

Purple blossoms on a thin tree,

the air smells of burning wood.

A small blue moth closes

its wings, grey triangle

on top of muddy tracks.

A dozen vultures glide high

in criss-cross air currents.

Elusive water, frozen moment,

reflecting sunset light. 

All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2010 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.