07.02.09

Today S broke things off. It was the first thing I read this morning and that is how my day started.

I began to move, I got up and fed Pandora, took a shower, dried my damp hair and packed a bag to stay at K's place. I kept moving, I dropped a note to T telling him it was done and kept pressing on. He wrote back and told me to keep writing. I wrote a quick note to mami with instructions for P and grabbed my bag and an umbrella and walked to the train station. I arrived just as the train was pulling in and headed into Chelsea. I arrived at K's apt and greeted only T-Bone since Otis was hiding. Her white head rubbed against my black t-shirt and left white bits of kitty hair on it. K left me a birthday present, Lonely Planet's London and I burst into tears.

I wrote a quick note to S and left to go meet Vick for lunch. We ate meek Mexican food and both cried into our salty margaritas. We won't got back to that place. We walked straight through Washington Square Park and parted ways, she went back to work and I went for a walk. I walked to the Strands bookstore looking for an out of print title...but the place was crowded as usual and I couldn't take the meandering tourists today. I walked over to Forbidden Planet...usually the best geek sanctuary but the chick with the attitude at the info booth rubbed me the wrong way so I left. Someone please teach her how to spell. I stopped at a card store looking for a moleskin book but they didn't have any in stock. I wanted to buy an iced coffee but I was afraid my bitter tongue would make me wretch.

Sometimes you just have to be in the right mood...and I wasn't. I kept walking...and kept an eye on the heavy green clouds overhead. I passed a guy eating frozen yogurt with bright red strawberries. I passed a woman who looked like a model, we had the same bangs...she looked better in them. I walked out in front of a car by accident and had a DeNiro moment, I'm walking here. And faster and faster I walked, not wanting to stop, not wanting the crying spell to start. I made it back just as the thunder rolled in and the clouds poured down and I sat in a chair and let all this flood out.

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All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

This...

This is what I show you: I am self-sufficient and I don’t need your help, (but I do), your words do not hurt (but they do), that I can maintain this perpetual state of stasis with you (but I can’t), I’ve moved on (but I haven’t), I will always love you (but I won’t be able to keep it up for much longer), you are enough (but it’s only an illusion),
you fill me up (but you leave me worn thin), you make me feel better (but you drain me), I can’t live without you (but I can’t keep lying to myself), I am strong (but I give over and it renders me powerless), You think you know me….


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.

06.30.09

I can't sleep. My brain won't turn off and it's too hot in my room. Which makes for a very cranky version of me, up at 1.09 am.

Almost as soon as I started to write these words my mind turned off.

It's a fine line between giving my brain a chance to get things down and out AND forcing sleep upon it.

I'm restless...I don't know what I need...I don't know what I want.

I even walked 3 miles today just to tire myself out a bit. That plan did not work.

I'm in that weird space of wanting to quit. Quit school, quit classes, quit working on my writing, quit having ambition for it, quit the uncertainty, *sigh* I know I'm whinging. I can't help myself when I am tired and frazzled at the same time.

A mosquito just flew by my ear...which means I will not get any rest until it's dead.
Even the presence of it makes my skin itch.

I know this is all minutia but it can't be helped. As long as my brain is on auto-pilot, this is my version of just sitting with it.

I've run out of things to say and I'm staring blindly away from the bright computer screen.

Damn, I just got stung by the mosquito....argh! Sleep is a losing battle tonight.


All artwork, photos, and text © Copyright 2008-2009 Liliana Almendarez unless indicated otherwise. All Rights Reserved. Any downloading, copying or use of images on this website is strictly prohibited without express written consent by Liliana Almendarez.